


Luminescence

by phloridas



Category: Phandom/The Fantastic Foursome (YouTube RPF)
Genre: Alternate Universe, Alternate Universe - College/University, Angst, Concerts, Films, First Kiss, Fluff, Getting Together, M/M, Musicians, Smut, Strangers to Lovers, law student dan, musician Phil
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2017-02-05
Updated: 2017-10-03
Packaged: 2018-09-22 05:59:28
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 16
Words: 58,013
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/9586916
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/phloridas/pseuds/phloridas
Summary: (Previously titled "One for the Books")Dan never expected Phil to notice him. Sure, maybe he'd glance at his sign and laugh, but not even in his wildest dreams did he imagine actually getting called up onstage to do the one thing he'd dreamed of for years. But what happens when a simple kiss unexpectedly turns into something more? And what about Dan's acting dreams, pushed aside so he can study law, but now suddenly taking center stage again? Musician!Phil/fanboy!Dan AU





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> (Taken from [this](http://phanfic.tumblr.com/post/155982404752) prompt on Phanfic) 
> 
> Literally as soon as I saw this prompt I knew I had to write it. Like, come on, who doesn't want a steamy make out session (and then some) from famousmusician!Phil/nervousfanboy!Dan? Anyway, I hope you enjoy!

If Dan could spend his entire life going to concerts, he absolutely would.

The feeling was just unlike any other. The air sparked with excitement. Thousands of people all chattering at once created a welcoming din that allowed Dan to forget about his struggles for the night. But the moment his favourite singer/songwriter, Phil Lester, stepped onstage was one unlike any other. The chattering immediately became a roar, one that Dan was more than happy to join in. Phil’s beautiful black hair fell majestically across his forehead in a way that Dan could only wish his hair would do. And his face when he trotted out with his trademark acoustic guitar slung across his body was honestly the most beautiful thing Dan had ever seen. Somehow, in a room of 30,000 people, Phil seemed to make it as intimate as if he were serenading Dan right in his own living room. Dan honestly couldn’t recall a time he had ever felt this alive.

“Alright, guys! As you probably know, I’m a strong purveyor of love, especially young love. I mean, I’d say I’m still pretty young so I’ve still got a lot to learn. But I do think I’ve experienced enough to teach people some things.” Holy shit. Wait. This was Dan’s chance! He thrust his poster up, a large feat for his already tired arms. It was certainly gutsy, but how else could he get Phil to notice him?

“So, I’m seeing some of you out in the audience here, some with boyfriends and girlfriends, but probably just as many of you are here alone and that’s totally fine as well! Let me hear all you singles out there!” A deafening roar shook the entire arena, with Dan’s voice among the loudest. “And all you lovers here tonight!” Another roar lifted up from the crowd, although slightly smaller this time.

“So, I know some of you have probably seen already, through social media and the like, but some people apparently really want me to be their first kiss?” At this, Dan screamed even louder, throat nearly ripping in two, and waved his sign back and forth a bit. “I mean, I personally don’t really see the appeal, but I certainly won’t say no! And...what’s this I see? ‘Phil, will you be my first kiss?’” Dan’s heart stopped. Surely Phil couldn’t be reading his exact sign. There were probably at least ten others that said the exact same thing. “You in the black, with the brown fringe! Come up onstage! I’d be absolutely honoured!”

Suddenly, it was like the world had stopped turning. Light shined blindingly in Dan’s face, rooting him to the spot. “Come on! It’s alright, I’m completely harmless!” Phil flashed his angelic smile, the one that had so charmed Dan from the moment he initially glimpsed Phil’s face in his first ever music video. A security member materialised beside him, gently tugging his arm, and just like that, Dan was unfrozen and shakily making his way up to stage left and up the steps to meet his idol.

A thousand thoughts ran through his mind the moment he gazed up at Phil Lester, each one floating away just before he could grab onto it. Dan knew he was shaking from head to toe. He just hoped none of the big screen cameras trained right on him could pick it up.

“Well hello there! Can I get your name, fine lad?” Phil held his microphone out and Dan giggled his name, hearing it back in such intensity that he nearly wanted to run off the stage. But Phil’s dazzling expectant grin kept him chained there like a dog tied to a fence. “Dan?” The brunet nodded. “Well, Dan, are you ready?” The crowd before them sounded like a monster waiting to strike and Dan couldn’t imagine how Phil dealt with this nearly every night. He could barely open his mouth to speak, so he just nodded.

And then Phil leaned down, grabbing Dan’s face, and their lips were colliding. Dan couldn’t think, could barely even move. His poster fluttered to the floor as Dan’s fingers suddenly unfroze and flew up to Phil’s delicately soft hollow cheeks. Phil’s lips were rough and sweet and after the initial shock, Dan found himself kissing back as if he would never get enough. (Because really, would he ever get this chance again?) The audience was just a dim background noise now, as all Dan could hear were his and Phil’s hungry breaths. The feeling grew more and more intense and Dan suddenly understood why everyone raved about kissing so much. If this was what it felt like every time...well then, how the hell had it taken him nineteen years to finally experience it?

Dan had expected Phil to pull away after a few seconds, but some unmistakable force kept his lips glued on Dan’s. He could feel Phil’s fingers knotting in his sweaty hair, too, and it was all he could do to keep himself from letting out the deep moan that was building in his chest. Sparks popped behind his closed eyes as he breathed in Phil’s intoxicating mixture of musk and sweat. Dan’s heart banged against his chest and he was sure he was about to either explode or collapse from a heart attack right there on the spot, but just as he was starting to get hard, Phil pulled away with an attempt at a cheeky smirk. But Dan could tell his eyes were filled with just as much wonder as his own.

“Well! I hope that was alright for you, Dan! Thank you for allowing me to be your first kiss, I honestly feel so honoured!”

Dan leaned into Phil’s microphone. “Are you kidding me? That was fucking fantastic! Wow. Thank  _ you _ , Phil!”

Phil shook his head mock-bashfully down at his shoes and suddenly spotted Dan’s sign lying between them. “Hey, would you like me to sign this?” After a quick nod from Dan, Phil scooped up the poster and pulled a Sharpie from his black denim pocket to sign the poster with a flourish. He grinned back at Dan and gestured enthusiastically at the security guard waiting at the side of the stage. Once he had dashed over, Phil whispered something in his ear that sounded suspiciously like “Get him backstage after the show,” and Dan’s heart stopped yet again. Was this really happening?

The security man nodded curtly. Phil grabbed Dan’s hand and thrust it in the air in a victory pose. “Everyone give Dan a big congratulations, alright?” The crowd, which had been pulsating at a steady earsplitting roar throughout the entire exchange, somehow ramped their screeches up a notch. Phil pulled Dan in for the hug that he had been dreaming about for years and Dan felt a mountain of love transferring in the soft exchange. He wished it could have lasted as long as the kiss, but Phil quickly released Dan with a dazzling grin, a pat on the back, and a nod to his security guard. In an instant, the man returned to lead Dan back to his seat on the floor. Dan could feel his whole body crackle with adrenaline and he honestly couldn’t imagine loving Phil more than he did right then.

The rest of the show passed by in a blur. Sure, Phil played some of Dan’s favourite songs and he sang and danced along like he was having the time of his life (and he honestly was), but he couldn’t once get his mind off that kiss. Dan had actually kissed his idol-- _ actually kissed him _ . And it was the most glorious thing he had ever experienced. Would he ever get the chance to feel that again? Phil  _ had _ invited him backstage after the show, but Dan refused to push his hopes any higher than a proper conversation. Phil probably had a secret girlfriend or boyfriend already. But then again, if he did...well, he certainly had no business kissing Dan like that.

Suddenly, Phil had reached the end of his set, with confetti exploding into the crowd and a look of pure awe in his deep blue eyes. Dan grabbed at the scraps of paper floating down like memories, catching a few and stuffing them in his pockets for safekeeping. He was sure there were at least a few stuck in his hair, too, and the thought only made him smile bigger.

With a final wave, Phil disappeared backstage, leaving Dan with a pounding heart and a heightened sense of anxiety. How was he supposed to get backstage? Did Phil even actually want him backstage in the first place? What was he supposed to do?

All around him, people were gathering their belongings and gushing about the fantastic performance (it was a well-known fact that Phil didn’t play encores, preferring instead to extend his main set by a few fan-chosen songs), but Dan stood stock-still, his eyes fixed on the spot where his idol had stood just a minute ago. Phil had been there. He had actually seen him with his own eyes. Dan  _ himself _ had stood on that stage. Had it been real?

Before he knew what was happening, the same security guard had somehow materialised in front of Dan, tapping his arm. “Mr. Lester would like to see you backstage. Come on.” He beckoned Dan to the end of the row and Dan had no choice but to follow him.

The walk backstage seemed to take no time at all. Dan weaved through curtains and ducked past countless crew members and equipment boxes until he was suddenly right in front of Phil for the second time that night. Again, he was even more beautiful up close. Dan could see each tiny bead of sweat clinging to his flushed face, driving him absolutely insane. What he wouldn’t give to reach out and wipe that away….

“Dan! I’m so glad you could make it back here!” Phil reached out his arms for another hug and Dan gladly received it. “That was a damn good kiss you gave me up there. You’re sure it was your first?” Phil’s lips were right up against Dan’s ear, burning into his skin. Just as quickly as he had embraced Dan, though, he pulled away with a highly suggestive smirk. Dan gulped.

“Yep, hate to break it to you but I’m not that much of a ladies’ man. Or a man’s man. Or much of anything, really.”

“Well, hate to break it to  _ you _ , but you’re wrong about that, Dan. Come on. I wasn’t finished up there, you know.” Phil took Dan’s hand and led him through another tiny corridor and into a large open dressing room, kicking the door shut as they entered. If Dan thought his heart was going to explode onstage, it was almost certainly going to burst out of his chest now.

Phil leaned against the door and curled a finger under Dan’s chin, bringing them impossibly close. “You know, all throughout that show I couldn’t get your kiss off my mind. It was...gosh, incredible doesn’t even come close to describing it. I always try to do the opposite of what people expect, but I think you may give me a run for my money.” Phil’s teeth grabbed and pulled on his lip ever so suggestively. Holy  _ fuck _ .

“Trust me, I’m really not that interesting. You don’t know what you’re getting yourself into.”

“Oh, I think I know damn well. Now shut up and kiss me, you fool,” Phil grinned. Dan gasped slightly and then suddenly they were kissing again, much rougher than the first time, and it was like Dan couldn’t possibly get enough. Phil’s lips felt just as fantastic as they had an hour ago, but now there was a heightened sense of passion behind them. Dan’s heart pounded in his ears as his hands again instinctively reached out for Phil’s feathery black hair. Oh, how he had dreamed of running his fingers through this hair--and it was every bit as soft as he had imagined it. Phil grabbed Dan’s neck delicately, like Dan was something he could easily break, and that was all it took for Dan to lose it entirely. He shuddered with pleasure, finally letting out the long moan he had worked so hard to hold in the first time.

“Sensitive spot?” Phil smirked, lips moving from Dan’s lips to his chin and down his neck.

“You have no idea,” Dan gasped. A tiny voice in the back of his mind warned him that this was moving way too fast, that he’d undoubtedly get hurt somewhere along the way, that he could never be enough for Phil--but he was enjoying this far too much to care.

Just as quickly as he had kissed him, though, Phil suddenly pulled away with a question on his face. “Hey, do you have to be anywhere tonight? I’d love to keep you here, but I’d hate to put you in trouble with your parents or anything like that. I mean, not that I’m saying you’re young, but....”

“It’s fine, don’t worry,” Dan giggled, suddenly much more at ease. Damn, what did those neck kisses do to him? “I’m nineteen and I live at uni, so parents aren’t an issue for me anymore. Thank God,” he added in an undertone.

“Good. You know, there’s a couch back there.” Phil pointed straight ahead and Dan turned around to find a very inviting grey sofa draped with a decorative blue and green blanket. “Would you care to….get a bit more comfortable?”

Was Phil asking what Dan thought he was asking? And did he  _ want _ to? “Um, is the sky blue?”

“I’ll take that as a yes,” Phil laughed, intertwining his fingers with Dan’s and leading him over to the couch, where they plopped down beside each other, Phil smiling brightly. “Hey, so this kissing has been wonderful, don’t get me wrong, but I feel like I barely know you. Tell me about yourself, Dan. Your friends, your hopes and dreams, what you’re studying in uni….tell me everything.” Phil’s voice was nothing but sincere. Was this man even real?

“Well, for starters, I took a gap year so I’m currently in my first year studying law and I absolutely hate it. I’m not really that good at anything else, though, so I’m sort of stuck with it unless some golden opportunity drops out of the sky.”

“How come you’re studying law if you hate it so much, though?” Phil looked genuinely confused. “Isn’t there something else you could do that you’d enjoy a lot more?”

“I’d love to be an actor, but nobody can just become an actor, can they? No, I need something that makes me look clever and employable. Plus, it looked really cool in  _ Legally Blonde _ ,” Dan sighed, then started laughing upon seeing Phil’s amused face. 

“You know, if you still want to make the acting thing a reality, I know some people who could help you get there.” 

“R--really? You’re sure about that?”

“One hundred percent. As long as you have the talent, anyway. But something tells me you’ve got more than enough for both of us,” Phil grinned, sending a new wave of happiness crashing over Dan. 

And then somehow, he found himself more or less pouring out his entire life story to his idol, who astoundingly hung on Dan’s every word. Phil inched closer with each new detail until he was practically in Dan’s lap and eventually started playing with the sleeve of his jumper. After the initial jolt, it actually felt quite relaxing. Dan could certainly get used to this.

“Okay, I’ve seriously been talking your ear off tonight, I’m so sorry. Don’t you have anywhere you need to be after a show, like a hotel room or something?”

“Actually, I usually sleep on the bus even when I’m in the same city a couple nights in a row. It’s got this really nice big bed, even if it can be a little lonely sometimes.” Phil frowned slightly, but perked right back up as if nothing ever happened. “But I’d much rather be here with you, Dan, trust me. Now, I believe we had some unfinished business to take care of?” He smirked, his hand moving up to the neckline of Dan’s jumper and twisting it around his finger. Dan couldn’t possibly stop the huge smile from spreading across his face. He was sure he looked like an idiot, but he was past the point of caring now. Phil grinned even deeper and pushed Dan down with a single pointer finger until he was lying down on the couch, Phil straddling him and pressing kisses down his neck, occasionally sucking at the skin and leaving Dan hard and utterly whipped.

“Fuck, Phil, I...yes, oh God, yes!” Who cared if he had clearly visible marks after this? Honestly, Dan would wear these with pride. They were given to him by the one and only  _ Phil Lester _ . And that didn’t happen every day, did it?

His hands found their way to the hem of Phil’s blue and black plaid shirt. “C--can I?” Dan asked, voice barely above a whisper.

Phil only just gasped out a “Yes,” his electrifying lips moving to Dan’s chest and asking the same of him.

“Shit, of course!” And then both shirts were off and Dan could see Phil’s beautiful snowy white chest for what it truly was. Phil refused to do shirtless photoshoots (Dan couldn’t understand why, as he clearly had a fantastic body), so this truly felt like a treat. Dan ran his fingers over it, feeling every nook and crevice, and Phil’s back arched at his soft touch. His lips left streaks of fire all down his chest and Dan couldn’t possibly imagine a better feeling, couldn’t possibly comprehend anything but the feeling of Phil’s skin and his lips on Dan’s own skin and  _ God _ , it was good, so so good. Phil knew what he was doing, clearly. Dan could only hope that he didn’t appear too inexperienced.

The rest of the night seemed to happen slowly and quickly all at once. Phil was nothing but lovely, asking Dan for his consent every step of the way and assuring him that there was absolutely nothing wrong with saying no. But Dan was more than ready, and he felt incredibly confident in his decisions. When it was all over, he lay curled up against Phil’s soft body, feeling a rush of love he had never experienced before--but he hoped it could stick around for a while. He knew absolutely nobody would believe him the next day, but it didn’t matter. What was important was that  _ he _ knew he had experienced this utterly insane night with his idol--and absolutely nothing and nobody could take that away from him.


	2. Chapter 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Dan attempts to navigate his bland uni life after the fantastic night with Phil. Phil, on the other hand, is thoroughly enjoying touring and can't wait to give Dan all the juicy details. Little does Dan know, though, that Phil may have a proposition that could turn both their lives around in more ways than one.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I have no apologies for any of the angst in this chapter. It needed to be written. Anyway, I hope you enjoy!!

How was he supposed to return to school after this?

Dan had just experienced what could only be described as an intensely wild night with the person he had been dreaming about for years. Anyone would have killed to be in his position Saturday night. But absolutely nobody would want to trade places with him today.

Rolling out of bed for his lectures Monday morning felt like a march to the guillotine. He had to remind himself that Phil wouldn’t be there when he woke up, that he was supposed to return to merely existing after he had well and truly lived for the first time in quite a while. However, something had definitely changed in him that night, and so it was with a straightened posture and a slight sway in his hips that he stepped into his first lecture hall, even with the giant lead weight pushing down on his chest.

All throughout that day, Dan couldn’t focus on anything besides Phil. The feel of his skin, the lilt of his voice, his unending charm--Dan hadn’t gotten nearly enough of him that weekend, and it was driving him insane. He wanted nothing more than to be back in that spacious dressing room, or anywhere but here, really, as long as it was with Phil. If he had trouble with his coursework before, now it was pretty much a nightmare. He abandoned all hope of ever comprehending his homework and chose instead to spend nearly all of his spare time texting and talking to Phil.

In a sharp contrast to Dan, Phil was all smiles and rainbows. Of course, how could he not be--he had the best job, and Dan was exceedingly jealous of that. What he wouldn’t give to spend night after night onstage, feeling that adrenaline rush again and again. If anything, those few minutes onstage had only reignited Dan’s love for performing and feeling the pulse of the crowd, but he couldn’t burden Phil with this--not when he was bursting at the seams with the juicy details of his performances.

“You should’ve been there, Dan, it was absolutely amazing! Seeing that entire arena light up the second I asked people to pull out their phones...it’s unreal. I wish you could experience it sometime. Oh, I’m so rude! I’ve been talking your ear off about Leeds and I haven’t even gotten to ask how your life is going! How is it down in Manchester U?”

Dan sighed, a smile spreading across his face for the first time in a while. “Well, it’s...it’s going, alright.” He wasn’t sure how he could possibly paint this into a rosy picture for Phil, but he could certainly try. “I haven’t missed a single one of my classes this week, even though I’ve desperately wanted to. Plus, I actually turned in my paper that was due on Tuesday, even though I completely bullshitted the entire thing. I seriously don’t know how people can actually stand this. I feel ready to pull my hair out every day--oh God sorry, was that too much? I’m kinda venting now, I’m sorry.”  _ Shit _ . He had probably totally spoiled Phil’s mood. There was no way he’d want to talk to him now.

“Oh Dan, it’s okay! Vent all you want, I’d love to help in any way I can!” Phil’s voice was like cool honey on a warm day--just sweet enough for Dan to melt like the the disgusting sap he was. “Are my stories too happy for you? I’m sorry, I’ll stop if you need me to.”

“No, no, keep going! God knows I need something positive to distract me from all this.” Dan gazed around his prison cell-like dorm room, forcing a stiff laugh that he hoped would satisfy Phil.

“Really? Well, if you’re sure…” And Dan leaned back into his pillows, letting Phil’s lilting voice wrap him up like a soft, fluffy blanket. This clearly beat studying law any day. He only hoped that, like most nice things, Phil wouldn’t be ripped away just when Dan got the chance to really appreciate him.

 

\--

“Dan! Oh my God, is it true that Phil Lester kissed you onstage Saturday night?” A girl Dan recognized from his law courses, but had previously never spoken a word to in his life, suddenly rushed up to him on his way to Business Law.

“Oh! Uh...yeah I did. It was pretty great, actually.” He smiled at the memory.

“Really? I’m  _ so _ jealous! I’ve been in love with him since high school, he’s seriously so gorgeous. His music is pretty much the soundtrack to my life. I heard you guys were practically making out up there, though?”

“Oh, well...yeah, I guess you could say that. Um, it looks like class is about to start, don’t you think we should…?” Dan made a gesture to the door in front of them, where students were already trickling inside in various states of exhaustion, but the girl seemed quite determined to keep questioning Dan right where he was.

“What was it like? Was it everything you thought it would be? Oh my God, I can’t even tell you how many times I’ve fantasised about that! He’s seriously so perfect, like, I think I would die right there on the spot!” She hitched her backpack up on her shoulder with an expectant grin as Dan merely shuffled his feet, a tightness building in his chest.

“Um, yeah, pretty much. I mean, it all happened kind of fast so I don’t really remember that much.” Dan took a step towards the door, but the girl grabbed him by his backpack strap. Dan’s breath hitched. She was  _ ruthless _ . Holy shit.

“Really? Because I heard he invited you backstage too! Come on, Dan. Don’t worry, I won’t tell anyone!” The nasty gleam in her eyes seemed to say otherwise, though.

“I--okay, yeah, he did. But we really don’t have time for details right now, come on. Dr. Hill is gonna kill us if we’re late.” With that, Dan finally turned and headed resolutely for the lecture hall, law girl hot on his heels with a “Fine, but I expect some juicy details after class! You’re not done with me yet, Dan.”

Dan finally slid into a seat in the back of the hall with a big sigh and ran a hand through his fringe, feeling like he just dodged a bullet. Well. This sure was shaping up to be an interesting week.

 

\--

“So. Phil. You're never going to believe who I saw when I opened up Firefox this morning.” Dan laughed, but Phil could probably tell it was forced.

Sure enough, there was a slight pause before Phil tentatively replied, “...Who?”

“Well, it was quite funny, actually. Wouldn't you know, it seemed to bear a shocking resemblance the very face I see in the mirror every day.”

“Oh,  _ Dan.” _ But Dan didn't want Phil’s pity.

“No, no, Phil it's fine. I thought it was funny!” Well, sort of. “I'm just...not really used to this fame thing, I guess. A bunch of people have come up to me and Facebook messaged me already, asking about it. Well, girls mostly. I guess I just wanted to say...what are we, Phil? Do you want to go public with this? I mean...if there even is anything to go public about, oh God, forget I even said that, it’s way too early…” But Phil just laughed.

“Hey, we can be whatever you want us to be. I personally have both my pros and cons for public and private relationships. But for this kind of thing, though, I really think it would be best to keep it on the downlow. I don’t want you to have to deal with paparazzi, Dan, they’re seriously a pain in the ass and I wouldn’t wish that on you for even a second.”

Dan let out a massive sigh, feeling an entire week’s worth of tension leave his body. “Okay thank you, that’s exactly what I was thinking. How  _ do  _ you deal with paparazzi anyway, Phil? I can’t imagine anyone actually wanting to take photos of me, especially when I’m just walking around somewhere. It must be brutal.”

Now it was Phil’s turn to sigh, and the sound made Dan want to reach through the phone and drown him in a massive hug. “Well, to tell you the truth, it pretty much is. But I’ve learned to just accept that it’s going to happen no matter where I am, so I may as well keep my guard up. Plus, they’re just doing their jobs, so who am I to harass them? It’s much more fun to smile than be upset about it, anyway.”

“You know, that’s actually really good advice, Phil. Although it’s pretty hard for me to keep a positive attitude here, I have to say.”

“Oh, Dan! I’m telling you, just say the word and I’ll have you on the next West End stage or big blockbuster before the end of your term. I can’t have you suffering in Law anymore, it’s not fair to either of us.”

Dan’s heart swelled and a warm, floaty feeling quickly replaced the dull ache that was seemingly everpresent. “Thank you, you don’t know how much I appreciate that. But what if it doesn’t work out? What if I’m not actually good enough to be an actor? I need something to fall back on and besides, my parents will kill me if I drop out. I have to be realistic, and if that means taking a course I can’t stand just so I can have a stable job someday, then that’s just how it has to be.”

“Dan. Seriously. It doesn’t have to be this way! I’m not going to fight you tooth and nail about it tonight, but just know that I want to help you in any way I can if you’ll let me.”

Dan could feel a bit of the tension return to his body, but just then, Phil switched topics and they spent the late-night hours discussing their favourite TV shows, video games, and music. It came as no surprise to Dan that Phil shared quite a few of his interests (he may have actually been the one to get Dan into a few of them...maybe), but Phil sounded delighted to finally have someone to “nerd out with”, in his words. It really was adorable.

Dan didn’t know what it was, but something about Phil’s voice made even his drab dorm room a tropical paradise. If he closed his eyes, he could see thousands of colours curling out of the phone, twisting up and around each other into the prettiest pictures he could imagine. Somehow, in just a couple weeks, Phil had already begun to feel like home. Was it dangerous to fall for someone this fast? Well sure, but Dan knew his limits--or, at least, he thought he did. He never imagined himself fucking the first person he ever kissed, let alone just hours after that kiss, but life sure had a funny way of working out. Just as he felt himself drifting off, though, a slight change in Phil’s tone jolted him awake and confirmed that Dan would in fact be getting no sleep at all tonight (not that he would have gotten much in the first place, but still).

“Hey, Dan, so I’ve been doing a lot of thinking lately and...well, I know I’m supposed to head to LA for some studio time after this tour finishes in a couple weeks, but--and this is just a thought--I’m thinking I might wanna come back home to Manchester instead? I’ll figure out a way to get around my record label and everything, I promise, I just really need to see you again. Would you be okay with that?”

Would Dan be okay with that? A better question would be how was he supposed to survive the next few weeks until he could be back in Phil’s arms? A nervous giggle trickled out of him. “Yeah, of course, I--I would love that. Wow. You’re really willing to do that, Phil?”

“Yes, absolutely. You know, I’ve been having a hard time writing and composing for a while now. Maybe some Dan time is just what I need to get my mojo back.” Phil’s words and the slight lilt in his tone were enough to send a spark throughout Dan’s entire body. Needless to say, his life was about to get very interesting--just as long as he could make it through this next fortnight, anyway.


	3. Chapter 3

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> A trip to Phil's house dredges up some forgotten feelings--but will Phil's insistence finally push Dan too far?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Again, I have no apologies for the angst in this chapter. I promise it will get better soon! Anyway, I hope you enjoy!!

Dan was actually quite surprised at the lack of paparazzi the whole way to Phil’s house.

Then again, he remembered it _was_ private property. Well. Thank goodness for that because the wind had sent his hair into a frazzled mess. He had done his best to push it back down and straighten it out, but some things just couldn’t be tamed. There was probably a metaphor in that somewhere.

As he trod up the long pathway to the paper white front door, Dan couldn’t help marveling at Phil’s gorgeous house. Of course, he knew all those number ones and sold out tours must go somewhere, but...damn. This was like the house Dan had always dreamed of as a kid. With its mixture of elaborate touches and country-like simplicity, Dan couldn’t possibly imagine Phil living anywhere else. He pushed the doorbell with a flutter in his heart and immediately heard the loud _ding-dong!_ echoing inside--along with some very insistent barking.

“Dan! It’s so great to see you! Welcome! Oh, and don’t mind Totoro, he’s just a big excited teddy bear.” Phil threw the door wide open, giving Dan a huge hug and a kiss just below his ear that set his skin on fire.

“So this is the famous Toto. Well, I’m honoured to finally get the chance to meet him.” Dan stooped down and ran his hands all over the black labradoodle’s shaggy fur, drawing out a big doggy grin and turning his tail into a mini tornado.

“Dan! If I didn’t know any better, I’d say you’re more excited to see the dog than me.”

“Oh, don’t you start now. You know how much I’ve been dying to see you since that night. Now stop pouting, you dork.” Dan rolled his eyes at Phil, straightening back up, but there was no denying the smile creeping across his face like an eavesdropping child.

“The Phil Lester charm doesn’t work on you anymore?” Phil widened his eyes in an absolutely irresistible expression. How would Dan ever be able to say no to that face?

“Anymore? Who said it ever did in the first place?” Dan’s heart was racing, just dying for Phil to grab him by the collar and smash their lips together just as he had that glorious night in the dressing room.

“Well. Who knew you were such a challenge, Dan Howell.” Phil’s mouth twitched up, but before Dan could just grab him himself, he added, “Which, by the way, that reminds me--I wanted to talk to you about this acting thing. Like I’ve been saying, if you’re really serious, I can get you what you need.”

Dan blinked rapidly. This wasn’t exactly the kind of greeting he expected. His stomach suddenly turned to ice. “Yeah. Um, about that…”

Phil’s face immediately dropped. “Is there something wrong? Come on, let’s head to the lounge.” He led Dan into a large open room with windows covering all four walls, a giant TV sitting on a pale blue cabinet, and a grey sofa that he promptly sat down on and motioned for Dan to join him. Dan acquiesced, and nearly found himself swallowed up by the couch. Well. He could certainly get used to this. A jingle of tags signaled Totoro’s arrival, and he jumped up on the couch in between the two boys. Dan smiled a bit, even as his entire body seemed to be sent into overdrive.

“Dan.” Phil’s eyes had a fire in them that was new to the brunet and he leaned in close enough for Dan to smell his clean but just slightly musky scent. “That first night, when you told me you were interested in acting, there was a passion in your voice I don’t think I’ve heard in anyone before. And I could see something in your eyes when you were onstage. Sure, you were terrified--and I would have been too, don’t get me wrong--but you were living off that crowd just as much as I was. That’s the mark of a true performer. I may never have seen any of your shows, but I don’t need to. You belong on the stage just like the sun belongs in the sky. So what are you so afraid of? You can tell me, come on, I want to help.” His eyes had softened now, taking on the mesmerising kaleidoscope of colours that Dan had memorized before he had even met Phil.

Dan opened his mouth, but closed it just as suddenly. His heart raced. Phil had hit the nail on the head alright--maybe a little too accurately. But he had to tell him the truth, no matter how much it hurt. “Well, it’s not that I’m afraid exactly. It’s more like I’m realistic. I mean, how many rags-to-riches stories do you _really_ hear? Most movie stars only get their big break because they know somebody, or they have to do some seriously shady shit. Plus, I’m really not that talented. I mean, look at someone like Marlon Brando or Tom Hanks, for crying out loud. I could never measure up to that!” He threw his hands in the air, clapping them back down on his black jeans just as quickly as they had gone up. “No, trust me, it’s better for everyone that I just stay on this path. I mean, being a lawyer isn’t that bad! You get to argue and...stuff.”

“Dan! Listen to yourself.” Phil took Dan’s left hand in both of his own, bringing out a gasp from the discouraged law student. “You can’t just compare yourself to someone like that. They’ve had years and years to perfect their craft. That’s like me saying I’ll never be a good musician because I’m not David Bowie.” Alright, Dan had to smile a bit at that. “What was it that got you into it in the first place? Maybe you can rekindle that fire.” Phil let go of Dan’s hand, but his wide-eyed, expectant gaze remained. Dan still had trouble believing Phil found him so interesting. Maybe he was an actor too and this was all just a game--although if he was, Dan was seriously going to have a run for his money.

“Well, don’t laugh but...I was Santa in my nursery’s Christmas play. And that was pretty much all it took,” Dan shrugged. “My teacher said I had a natural stage presence. I couldn’t get enough, so I begged my parents to let me go to stage school on the weekends. As I got older, it got to be more about the whole camaraderie of the cast and the process of putting a good show together. I mean, getting lead roles and having everyone look up to you is pretty cool, but some of my best times were just running around being an idiot without a care in the world.” Dan sighed, finally moving his eyes from Phil to run them over the room.

It was honestly one of the most beautiful places he had ever seen. The cream walls acted as the perfect simple background for all the modern furniture. Directly in front of the couch they were sitting in stood a glass coffee table topped with a large marble blue bowl and several music magazines emblazoned with Phil’s face--but somehow, it felt more proud than conceited.

A giant TV sat opposite them, surrounded by stereo speakers and just the right height for gaming. Various dog toys were strewn throughout the room, with a bookshelf in the far right corner tying off the whole cosy-but-modern aesthetic. Dan could immediately picture himself living here, plucking off a book and curling up on the couch with Toto while Phil plucked out a tune on one of the acoustic guitars in the next room.

“Okay, I’m not following this. If you had something so good, then how come you threw it all away? Wouldn’t you want to try to keep that as long as possible, maybe even see where it could take you?” Phil’s eyebrows furrowed in the cutest way. Dan couldn’t possibly be mad at him, even if this was a subject he felt they had already driven into the ground. He sighed.

“I told you, Phil. I grew up. I realised I had to actually do something productive with my life, or risk living under a box. I’m not like you. I didn’t have parents who would go to the ends of the earth for my dream. I wasn’t discovered at the ripe young age of sixteen. I’m not special. I’m destined to live the same boring life as everyone else, probably dying alone with almost nothing to show for it.” He spread his arms wide, then let them fall back to his legs with a smack, gazing down and twisting one of the Reading Festival bracelets around and around his wrist.

“Dan.” Phil grabbed the worn bracelet Dan was so focused on so that he had no choice but to look straight into those ocean-like eyes. “I’m telling you, that’s no way to live your life. You can’t just sit back and let the world go by. Nothing’s going to change if you don’t do something. So are you just going to sit here and mope or are you actually going to let me help you?”

Just as suddenly as Phil had grabbed him, Dan pulled away. “I’m not moping about anything. I’m being realistic. I knew you wouldn’t understand.” Toto let out the softest of whines, gazing between the two boys with a question in his deep black eyes.

“Fine. You can be realistic all you like, see where it gets you. You know, I had an agent all lined up for you and everything, but you’re clearly not ready. A shame--you seemed to have so much potential too.” Phil shrugged, his eyes showing only indifference.

Dan, however, just felt like he got punched in the stomach. Phil had an _agent_ lined up for him? He actually believed in Dan that much? “I am ready! Just...give me some time to figure things out. I mean, I can’t exactly drop out of uni right this minute.”

“Dan, that’s not what I’m asking,” Phil sighed, shaking his head. “You can continue with uni if you still want a backup plan. In fact, that’s actually a really good idea. I just thought you might wanna give this a second chance. It never is too late to give up on your dreams, you know. You’re not even 20 yet. J.K. Rowling didn’t even publish the first _Harry Potter_ book until she was 31. You’ve still got loads of time.”

“Sure, if I don’t die before then,” Dan muttered. He ran a hand over Toto’s soft curly fur, hoping it would calm him down somewhat. It didn’t.

“Look. Dan. I told you, I’m not going to argue about this with you. I care about you a lot and I want you to be happy. But if you’re determined to be miserable, then fine. Now, would you like a drink? I’ve got quite the selection.” Phil tilted his head in question, but his fingers curled slightly into a fist, his knuckles white and nails surely digging into his palms.

“You know, I think I should get going. I have a giant paper due tomorrow and it’s better if I start it sooner rather than later. I hope you have a nice day, Phil.”

“Wait! Dan!” But Dan was already off the sofa and heading for the door, Toto hot at his heels. “I’m sorry if I upset you, but I genuinely want to help you as much as I can! Is there anything I can do?”

“Yes. Please stop nagging me about this. I swear, I’ll figure it out eventually. I just really hate when people are on my ass about things. I’ll call you later tonight or tomorrow, alright?” Phil’s wide eyes and slightly opened mouth twisted Dan’s heart more than he’d like to admit, but just as quickly, his mouth hardened into a straight line and his eyes chilled to a steely gaze.

“Fine. If that’s the way you want to play it. Have a nice day, Dan.” Phil held the door open as Dan slipped outside, his chest tight and head down.

_Well, there you go. You just fucked up your one chance with the one and only Phil Lester. Are you happy now?_

He knew the answer to that. But it didn’t stop the tear from slipping down his cheek. He brushed it away with a scowl. Dan wasn’t going to cry over Phil Lester. No, that rich nag didn’t deserve it. Still, he couldn’t quite shake the tightness from his chest for the remainder of the day. Well, whatever. He’d get over it, just like everything else in his life. Right?


	4. Chapter 4

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Dejected after his argument with Phil, Dan knows that he has to make things right. A day of running monologues at Phil's house turns into an overnight stay and suddenly, Dan feels himself falling harder than ever--but what happens when Dan's new agent brings up an offer he absolutely can't refuse?
> 
> TW for slight anxiety at the end

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> As a sincere apology for two chapters of angst, I give you 5k words of the fluffiest of fluff. I hope you enjoy!!

Dan was a mess.

Scratch that. He was more than a mess. He honestly didn’t know how he was even existing right now.

The last few days had been full of sleepless nights and a blur of classes that Dan didn’t even bother paying attention to. No matter how much he tried, he just couldn’t shake Phil from his mind. Dan felt like he had thrown his entire future away. There it was, glimmering right in front of him, and what had he done? Just pushed it to the side like the coward he was. Didn’t Dan want to live? Didn’t he want to at least have a taste of his dream coming true?

He knew what he had to do. It was going to be terrifying--and he had no idea if it would actually work out--but he at least had to try.

Thankfully, Phil picked up on the third ring. “Dan? Is everything alright? I haven’t heard from you for a few days. I wanted to tell you I’m really sorry for pushing you into something you’re clearly not ready for. We don’t even have to talk about that anymore, alright? Just pretend it never happened and we can go on with our lives like normal. Dan?”

“No, I’m sorry, Phil,” Dan sighed. “I was an absolute twat and you don’t deserve that. I let my anxiety get the better of me and I took it out on you. You don’t deserve to be treated that way and I promise I’ll do better if you let me. Also…” he took in a deep, shaky breath, “I’ve been doing a lot of thinking these last few days and I think I am ready to take up your offer, Phil. If you’re still up for it, I’d really like to see where this acting thing can take us.” Dan could barely breathe as he waited for Phil’s answer, his suddenly sweaty hand nearly dropping the iPhone from his ear.

“Really? You’re absolutely sure about that, Dan?”

“Yes. I realised that there’s way too much fun and joy in the world to waste any time doing something that makes me unhappy. I’m still not dropping out of law school or anything because my parents would kill me, but I figure I’d be tremendously dense not to take up this offer. So...what do you say, Phil?”

Dan could hear the smile in Phil’s voice and it soothed him more than the brunet would have liked to admit. “Dan! Oh my God, this is fantastic! I’m so excited for you! Okay, so first of all, I never asked you--are you looking to be more of a film actor or a stage actor? Because I know the perfect people for either.” Phil’s words tumbled out in a rush, and Dan couldn’t stop himself from giggling lightly.

“Film one hundred percent. Being onstage is fantastic and there’s really nothing like it, but my dream from day one has always been to be a film actor.” His heartbeat picked up. This was really happening. All those trips to the cinema or just sitting at home on the couch, watching film after film, dreaming of the day he could be the one on the screen--he wanted this more than anything, perhaps even more than he wanted Phil himself.

Somehow, Phil sounded even more excited, if that was even possible. Dan only wished he could see his face. He was sure it was lit up with his precious trademark smile that somehow made everything okay. “That’s perfect! Okay, that just means I’ll have to talk to Tony...and we’re gonna have to get you some monologues to memorise as I’m sure he’ll have an audition ready for you in no time...how confident do you feel actually auditioning in front of a casting director?” Dan could hear papers shuffling in the background.

Suddenly, the clenched feeling had returned to Dan’s stomach. He had to stay strong for Phil, though. He was turning his entire life over for Dan. The least Dan could do was go along with it, no matter how anxious he felt. “Ummm…” he stuttered.

“Don’t worry, we’ll get you up to speed in no time. You can run monologues with me and I can do my best to let you know if it’s good or not. Oh, and hey,” a smirk had now crept into Phil’s voice, “this just means we get to spend even more time together.”

Dan couldn’t argue with that. At this point, he would jump at any excuse to see Phil. They had only been in each other’s company twice, but both times, Dan felt as if he couldn’t ever get enough.

He was falling hard--no doubt about that. He could only hope that this time, he could actually find his footing and it wouldn’t end in flames (unlike a certain relationship with a certain toxic girl).

 

\--

“Dan. You’ve got to stand up straight. Here, let me help you.” Dan suddenly felt a hand at the small of his back and another at his elbow. Phil gently pushed Dan into a more upright position and Dan smiled back shyly.

“Thanks. You know, I slouch so much, I don’t even notice it anymore. I suppose that’s not exactly going to make the best impression on those casting directors, though.”

“Ding ding ding, we have a winner.” Phil’s voice was soft in Dan’s ear as the brunet turned to face him. He still hadn’t let go, and if anything, had actually moved closer. A flush crept up Dan’s neck as he gazed into those oceanic irises that somehow housed three different colours at the same time, twinkling fondly. They held each other’s gaze for a few seconds before Dan finally broke it to look back down at his book, pages bent backwards in a way that would cause a librarian to faint.

“So, you really think Shakespeare is a good idea? Like,  _ Romeo and Juliet _ isn’t too overdone or anything?” Dan bit his lip, shuffling his feet slightly.

“Absolutely. Tony told me it would actually be your best option. A lot of people have a hard time understanding his meanings and getting the intonation right. Plus, you have experience playing Benvolio--and he’s not the most obvious character. Most guys go for Romeo’s famous soliloquy, so you’ve already got a leg up on them. Trust me, Dan. I wouldn’t be pushing you so hard if I didn’t think you could do it.” Phil’s breath was warm on Dan’s skin, transporting him into some kind of alternate reality where it was just the two of them, with no problems and no pressing deadlines--nothing but the sweet opportunity to explore each other with no limits. Dan only wished he could stay in this universe forever. He smiled.

“You sound like my old drama teacher. Funnily enough, I wanted to make out with her too.” He was staring at Phil’s lips now, a soft smile on his face, just barely flicking his gaze up to make eye contact at the last second. He felt some magnetic force pulling him in, dragging him closer and closer to the ebony-haired mythical being that was Phil Lester until--

“Well, as much as I would enjoy that, you and I both know we have some serious work to do. Don’t you want to get rolling on this as soon as possible?”

Of course Dan did--but...Phil’s lips just looked so inviting today. Hell, everything about Phil was drawing him in. It must have been that blue shirt he was wearing. It really did bring out his eyes.

Dan spent the next few hours in a strange state, feeling like he had one foot in the past and one foot in the present day. One second, he was twelve years old again, back on that little stage with some of his closest friends, and the next he was back in Phil’s wide-open music room, doing his best not to walk into the many instruments surrounding the perimeter. And still other moments, he was swept into the centuries-old tale of  _ Romeo and Juliet _ , slipping back into the character he had so enjoyed playing seven years ago.

When he finally flopped down on Phil’s couch, voice raw and thoroughly exhausted, he felt a warm body curl up next to him. Dan somehow found the energy to smile lazily up at Phil’s shining face, reaching a tentative hand up to tuck a stray bit of fringe back into place. Phil’s eyes crinkled even deeper, if that was possible.

Words didn’t need to pass between them. Just gazing at Phil with the goofiest expression that was reflected in the older’s face was enough to put Dan more at peace than he had felt in a long time. Finally, he let out a deep sigh, which apparently prompted Phil to open his mouth.

“You know, I’m  _ so _ proud of you, Dan.” He ran a hand down Dan’s arm, causing goosebumps to pop up even under the thick sleeve of his jumper. “I was right. You really are a fantastic performer. I have no doubt in my mind that you’ll nail your first audition.”

Dan’s heart swelled nearly to the point of bursting. He had certainly been complimented on his performances before, by some pretty important people, but none of those had felt quite this sweet. “Thank you, Phil. You know, it’s really all thanks to your fantastic help. Thank you for believing in me. I can’t even begin to tell you how much that means to me.”

“Awww, Dan! Hey,” Phil’s face suddenly took the form of a question, “what do you say to staying here tonight? We could get some more work done tomorrow--well, probably not, but you know.”

“Are you shitting me?” Dan gasped. “Yes, Phil, absolutely!” He had only been dreaming of spending another night with the enigmatic musician since their first one just over a month ago. Then he frowned just as suddenly as his heart had soared to the stratosphere. “Wait a minute...I don’t have any clothes or anything. Is that alright?”

“No worries. You can borrow some of mine,” Phil smiled and Dan swore his heart stopped beating. Wearing  _ Phil Lester’s _ clothes? That honestly sounded like a dream come true. Some of those were probably worth more than his entire university education. Dan did his best to play it cool, though.

“Sweet, thanks.” Phil smiled back for a second, then jumped up.

“Hey, if you’re going to be here all night, how about a film? I have some pretty fantastic frozen pizza I can heat up too. Just head over to the bookshelf there,” Phil pointed to a tall white set of shelves next to the TV, “I’ve got tons to choose from.”

“Pizza and a film sounds perfect,” Dan grinned, then let out a massive yawn. “Just be aware that I might fall asleep on you, though.”

“All that talking tired you out? You know, you’re going to have to get used to working extremely long hours as an actor,” Phil teased. “Don’t worry, I’ll find a way to keep you up. Don’t think I’m done with you yet, Howell.”

“Can’t wait,” Dan smirked, heaving himself off the sofa and over to the DVD shelf.

Sure enough, Phil had nearly every film imaginable--or at least, all the ones Dan had any interest in. He spent quite a bit of time browsing through titles, often having to squint at the tiny writing printed on the thin boxes, but finally pulled out  _ Wall-E _ and wandered into the kitchen to find Phil.

“Did you get a good one?” Phil asked without turning around, his shirt riding up to show off an irresistible strip of skin as he slid the pizza into the oven. Dan merely ambled over to the ocean-eyed man, holding the DVD box up in response.

“Oh, I love that one! Pixar is one of my favourites. Good choice, Dan.”

“Really? I cried like a baby the first time I watched it, so I’m fully expecting to be an absolute mess all over again. It’ll be worth it, though, it really is such a fantastic film.” Truly, Dan was curious to see Phil’s reaction to the story. Something about it had touched Dan deeply, where very few films could, and he could only hope that Phil shared some of his conceptions.

“It really is. Hey, if you’re gonna be a mess, at least you’ll be in good company. I’m making no promises that I’ll be holding it all together either.” Phil cocked a heart melting smile in response, leading the way back to the lounge. He took the DVD box from Dan to get the film started as Dan gratefully settled into the sofa, feeling a great weight float off his chest that left him floating off in a delirious state. He momentarily saw his life as if from someone else’s eyes, observing a rare peaceful Dan curled up on the sofa watching Phil’s back. Quite frankly, it really was a great view. Dan felt quite positive he would never tire of this.

“So Dan, what sorts of films do you like? Pardon me if I’m wrong, but I’m assuming you’re probably quite a film buff if you’re thinking of being in them someday?” Phil curled back up on the couch next to Dan with what may have been the cutest inquiring face.

“No, you’re absolutely right.” Dan could feel a smile slowly trickling its way across his face like rain dripping into a gutter. “I’m probably one of the biggest film nerds you’ll ever meet.”

Phil’s eyes positively lit up at that. “Really? Me too! I mean, you’ve seen my DVD collection--and then there’s still so many I want to watch one day.”

Dan’s heart swelled as he felt the deep seeds of a connection beginning to set in between him and the ebony-haired beauty next to him. His smile cut into his cheeks, but he didn’t care. “I know, right? Anyway, I guess I’m pretty much into anything good, really. Horrors, dramas, musicals, comedies, maybe even the odd soppy romance--oh, and of course animations like this one.” He gestured to the TV, still on the DVD main menu screen.

“Dan. You literally described my exact taste.” Phil grabbed Dan’s hands with an unmistakable fire in his eyes. “Well, maybe besides the dramas and soppy romances, as I find them a bit boring sometimes, but I’m also quite a science fiction nerd, as I’m sure you saw.”

“Are you kidding me? Me too! I swear, it’s like we’re the same person or something.” Dan felt his heart swell like a balloon, along with a strange sense of even deeper connection with the man who was still firmly gripping his hands. “Except for the whole ‘dramas are boring’ part. I’ll have to show you some of my favourite Oscar winners one day. I guarantee you’ll be eating your words, Phil Lester.”

“That sounds like a challenge,” Phil smirked, staring Dan down for an intense few seconds before finally tearing his hands and gaze away to grab the TV remote and start the film.

Almost immediately, Dan felt himself pulled into the story. It was one of his favourite parts of cinema--everything else melted away as he was transported in these peoples’ (or robots, in this case) lives, feeling their struggles and triumphs just as acutely as if they were his own. He was still aware of Phil beside him, but more in the back of his mind than anything. This bubble was burst slightly once their food was ready, but Dan didn’t mind. Lounging here on the sofa, eating some of his favourite foods cuddled up next to the man of his dreams? Dan honestly couldn’t recall ever feeling happier.

Then, of course, they had nearly reached the end and Dan just couldn’t hold his tears back any longer. Phil must have sensed something, as he moved even closer, taking Dan’s entire body in his arms and holding Dan’s head close to his chest without a word. His fingers stroked a calming rhythm through Dan’s hair and suddenly, Dan couldn’t help himself. His silent tears turned into quiet sobs, his heart twisting at the baffling fact that this incredibly soft and caring man was one who Dan could somehow call his. Everything about Phil was warm and soothing--except for his heart, which Dan could hear beating wildly inside his chest.

By the time the credits were rolling, Dan knew one thing for sure: he didn’t ever want to leave Phil’s embrace, even if he did have a sneaking suspicion they would be sharing the same bed tonight.

“Hey. Shhhh. It’s okay, Dan, I’m here. It’s okay. I know it’s a really emotional film. You can let it out, it’s safe here. You don’t even have to tell me anything if you don’t want to. Just know that I’m here for you, alright?” Phil’s voice, a gentle murmur in Dan’s ear, was the icing on the comforting cake. He felt himself falling deeper and deeper until there was no way he could possibly get out.

“God, just...thank you, Phil,” Dan gasped out, his sobs finally subsiding slightly. “You know, nobody’s ever had this reaction to me being upset before. Everyone just wants me to grow some balls and get over it, but sometimes you just have to let it out, you know? I’m not exactly one of those people who can turn their feelings off like a faucet. This just...this really means a lot to me. I really can’t thank you enough, Phil.”

Phil made a noise that sounded like a cross between a sigh and a hum. “Oh Dan, you know I’m always here to help whenever you need it. Honestly, it kills me to see you upset like this. I’d do anything to see those cute little dimples of yours again. Which actually reminds me...I think I know just the thing to cheer you up.” His voice grew suddenly suggestive and the glint in his eye finally rose Dan’s smile from the ashes of his face, confirming his earlier suspicion.

“Oh really? Well, why don’t you show me then, Mister Secret Wielder.” Dan reluctantly tore his body away from Phil, wiping his eyes and taking in a shaky breath before Phil grabbed his hand in a shockingly cold one of his own and led Dan out of the room, a hint of a smile making his face appear utterly angelic.

Dan felt himself get pulled up the carpeted stairs as if in a dream, dancing down a long hallway and finally into…”My bedroom! I know it’s kind of weird, with all the random nerdy bits everywhere, but, well, it’s home,” Phil shrugged, suddenly bashful.

“Oh Phil, it’s perfect! Everything about this is so utterly you, I can’t imagine you being anywhere else.” Sure enough, the dressers were full of aesthetically nerdy items like a Pac Man ghost lamp, various plushies and books, along with both an acoustic and electric guitar in the far right corner. Some colourful art hung on the walls and as Phil turned to shut the door, Dan discovered a  _ Kill Bill _ poster hung on the back of it, with Uma Thurman brazenly staring them down. Best of all was Phil’s ginormous bed in the middle of everything with a green and blue duvet and various notebooks that Phil quickly shoved off. It dimly registered that Dan was in  _ Phil Lester’s bedroom _ . Millions of girls (and probably some guys) would kill for this. Dan, however, just desperately wished he wouldn’t screw anything up.

Once his songwriting notebooks were cleared off his bed, Phil jumped up on it with a devilish grin and that was all it took to break down Dan’s entire armour. Suffice it to say, he was about to have yet another unforgettable night--even with a blown-up Uma Thurman watching his every move.

 

\--

A strange smell drifted into Dan’s nose the next morning. He reached over, hands grasping for Phil and coming up with nothing but air. Then his eyes snapped open.

Wait. Was that...something burning? Oh God. Dan rubbed his eyes, blushing at the  _ Kill Bill _ poster on Phil’s door, Uma Thurman now appearing to give him a judgmental look. (Once everything was over last night--and just as wonderful as the first time--the phrase “Uma Thurman just watched me have sex” popped into Dan’s mind and refused to leave. It would have made a nice tweet, come to think of it.)

He finally stumbled down into the kitchen, clad in a random T shirt and joggers of Phil’s, slightly surprised that he already knew the layout of Phil’s house. “Whatcha makin there?” Dan yawned, coming up behind Phil to nestle his chin into Phil’s shoulder.

“Well…” Phil sighed, turning his head just a little to make eye contact. Dan found himself once again mesmerised by those multicoloured pools of beauty. “I tried to make pancakes, but as you can see, they’re kinda burnt.”

“Kinda? I thought I woke up in the middle of a forest fire!” Phil shot Dan a disappointed look, but Dan just giggled. “Okay, sorry. I really do appreciate the effort you’re going to with these, though! You didn’t have to do all that for me.”

“Who said I was doing it for you? Maybe I wake up extra early to make pancakes every day,” Phil fired back, but Dan could see the smile he was trying so hard to hide. Dan smirked and finally Phil cracked. “Okay fine, you got me. I usually just make a bowl of cereal and eat it in front of the TV. The breakfast of kings, I know.”

“Wow. So very healthy, Phil,” Dan chortled. “Don’t worry, I do the same thing. Just trade out this fancy house for some shitty university housing and you’ve got the right idea,” he sighed. Suddenly, his heart sank. Dan didn’t want to return to uni tonight--or ever, if he was being honest. Phil’s house was more of a home than anywhere he had ever lived. Dan hadn’t even been there for twenty four hours, but he already felt as if he had been living there for years. Everything about this place was beautiful and welcoming, from the grand entryway to Phil’s bedroom that perfectly displayed his personality and even the aesthetically decorated bathrooms. “So, do you think you’ll be making something else after this massive pancake failure or can I take over? I don’t think there’s much you can really fuck up with toast.”

“Go ahead,” Phil sighed. “I may as well just clean this up.” So Dan headed over to the toaster, unwrapping a loaf of bread right next to it. Figuring it was already on the correct toast setting (if the bread was right there then what else would Phil use it for?), he merely popped it in and returned to Phil’s side, hoping he could at least help somewhat. Judging by Phil’s grateful smile, though, he must have been doing something right.

They cleaned in silence for a while, no words needing to pass between them as Phil had left all the kitchen cupboards open and Dan could clearly see where everything belonged. It felt comfortable, though, and Dan was once again at peace--until the toaster started to stink.

“Oh fuck,” Dan muttered under his breath.

“Dan? Something’s telling me that toast isn’t exactly golden brown. Would you like some help?”

“No, no, I’ve got this,” Dan sighed, shaking his head and heading back to the toaster, a flush creeping up his neck. He pushed the lever up to release the toast, but nothing popped up. Oh God. It was stuck. Dan jiggled the lever, hoping that would somehow release it, but to no avail. All the while, the burning stench only grew, now with tiny wisps of smoke rising from the top. No. No. Oh God no. Phil’s expensive toaster was going to be ruined and it would be all his fault. He’d never invite Dan over again. He’d probably break up with him right on the spot. Dan was such a fuckup. Such a failure. Such a....

“Well don’t just stand there, Dan! Unplug the toaster or something!” Phil would have rushed right over, but his hands were currently tied up in a jumble of fragile dishes and high shelves. Something in Phil’s voice switched Dan out of his anxiety-induced frozen state. He ripped the cord out of the wall, but of course that did nothing to assuage the smell. Shouldn’t the smoke alarm be going off by now? Dan’s heart still raced, but he chose to take the lack of an alarm as a good sign.

What was he supposed to do about the bread stuck in the toaster, though? He stuck his thumb and pointer finger inside one of the slots, but merely broke off a piece of crust and succeeded in pushing the rest of the bread down even farther. Was this really happening?

Dan slid over to a drawer a few feet to his right, locating a fork and jamming it in the metal slats. Thank God he had already unplugged the appliance. However, his attempted stabbing at the bread only served to mash it into an even crumblier mess. His breath caught in his throat. What was wrong with him?

Thankfully, Phil took that moment to sneak up and knead his hands into Dan’s shoulders. Just like that, Dan melted into his touch, although his anxiety didn’t completely dissipate. “Hey. Hey, Dan. It’s alright. Can I see the toaster?”

Dan simply slumped away in response, giving Phil full access to his disaster. Phil reached down under the sink to pull out the garbage can and fluidly flipped the toaster on its side, exposing a tray on the underside that he slid out and shook into the garbage, releasing a shower of crumbs. He then turned the toaster upside down, smacking it like you would a choking victim and finally succeeded in pushing out Dan’s bits of charred bread. The flush grew even deeper on Dan’s face, if that was possible.

“See, that’s all you had to do!” Phil turned to Dan with a big grin, but it slipped off his face the moment he glimpsed Dan’s expression. “Dan? Are you okay?”

“I--” Dan’s face was on fire, but he forced himself to spit out the words, not meeting Phil’s eyes. “I fucked up your toaster and froze at what should have been an incredibly simple task. But it’s fine. I mean, it’s not like I don’t deal with this every day or anything.” He pushed out a laugh, but immediately knew that Phil wouldn’t buy it.

Sure enough, Phil dropped the toaster back on the counter and joined Dan in his corner of shame, tucking his arms around the dejected boy and pressing a kiss to the skin just in front of his ear. If it was burning before, it was positively ablaze now. Part of Dan wanted to pull away and just sulk by himself, but a much bigger part of him melted into Phil’s touch. Damn that man. He clearly had Dan wrapped around his finger. However, Dan didn’t think he minded that much.

Just then, the doorbell rang, causing both boys to jump apart. “Oh my God, Dan. I’m so sorry I never told you, but I kind of sent some videos of your monologue practice yesterday to Tony and he said he wanted to come in to see you today. I guess he’s early, though.” Phil rushed to the front door, leaving Dan rooted to the kitchen floor and buzzing with questions. One part of him wanted to scream at Phil for sending those videos without his permission, but he just couldn’t bring himself to do that after the wonder of these past two days.

“So. Tony, this is Dan. Dan, this is Tony. He’s a top film agent and just happens to be friends with my producer Steve.” Tony was a tiny man, with curly black hair gelled up and slicked back to the extreme and dark brown eyes, wearing a professional white button-down and black jeans. He pushed a button on his earpiece, then immediately stuck his hand out to Dan. They shook, Dan barely having time to feel embarrassed at his choice of clothes before Tony opened his mouth to speak in a hurried northern accent.

“Dan. I saw your videos that Phil here sent to me and let me just say, you have talent. It’s practically dripping out of your ears. Of course, that doesn’t mean there aren’t things you should work on, but suffice it to say, you certainly have promise. I’d love to help bring you to your full potential. In fact, I already have an audition for you should you choose to accept it. It’s for a modern adaptation of  _ The Taming of the Shrew _ and I think you’d be a shoo-in for Lucentio. Judging by your monologues, you clearly know Shakespeare and his intentions. The audition’s not until the third of January, so you still have a bit of time. What do you say?”

Dan was struck dumb for a few seconds. This was...so much to take in. And the audition was the third of January? That was just before his exams! “I...wow, this is a lot to process. You know what, though? I think I may just take you up on that audition.” Dan’s lips twitched up even as his heart banged against his chest.

“Brilliant! I’ll send you more details as I get them. Until then, just continue to study Shakespeare, maybe look over the original play a few times and keep working on your Benvolio monologues. Oh, and here’s my card.” He handed Dan a small white card that Dan stuck in his pocket without looking at it. “Now, I have to run--Kate’s got an audition tomorrow and I promised her I’d help her out with those last-minute nerves. You star in one of the most successful films of the past twenty years and yet that stage fright still never goes away.” He shook his head, then gave Dan’s arm a reassuring squeeze. “Good luck, kid. Let me know if there’s anything you need, okay?” And just like that, he was power walking through the kitchen and back out the door, snapping something unintelligible into his headset. Dan slumped against the kitchen counter as soon as he heard the front door slam. 

How was he supposed to add this to all the other stresses on his plate? More importantly, how was he going to tell his parents about this? Dan desperately hoped he could find the answers soon--otherwise, he risked losing his single chance to actually live out his lifelong dream, and there was no way he could live with that regret.


	5. Chapter 5

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> After a solid two months of preparation, the day is finally here: Dan's first big film audition! Can he find it in him to finally let go of his nerves and put on the performance of his life? Or will he crack under the pressure, making a fool of himself and losing out on his one chance to actually live his dream?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So, first of all, EXCITING NEWS!! From now on, this fic is going to be (hopefully) updated weekly, rather than biweekly, on Sundays! I've finally run out of ideas for oneshots and I really want to dedicate more time to this story since I'm starting to get super invested in it and hopefully you are too! Of course, this depends a lot on schoolwork and deadlines and such (I'm in my second year of college, or uni as you folks across the pond say, and the projects are beginning to pile up just before my May exams), but I'm going to do everything in my power to stick to this schedule because I'd really hate to let anyone down. Also, before anyone asks: Yes, Dan is auditioning for 10 Things I Hate About You, as I absolutely adore that film and we're just going to pretend they're making it in 2011 rather than 1999. I hope you enjoy!!

In future years, if you were to ask Dan about the next six weeks of his life, he wouldn’t be able to tell you a damn thing. All he knew was a blur of black hair and late nights, frustrated tears over impossible assignments, and equal feelings of anticipation and dejection.

That was why he felt so incredibly grateful for Phil. Out of no obligation of his own, that boy had slowly become Dan’s rock, the one thing that kept him tethered to reality while his world spun out around him. Through practices with Phil and Paul, Dan’s new acting coach (a sometimes tough but ultimately kindhearted guy), Dan certainly kept himself busy.

About a week before the audition, he found himself curled up on Phil’s sofa with the man himself, flipping through headshot photos, a slight twinge in his gut.

“Holy crap. Dan. We have to keep this one, you look amazing!”

“Yeah, I guess it’s okay.” Phil shot him a side-eyed glance, breaking Dan’s cool and dissolving him into giggles all at once.

“Is it bad that I want to keep all of these? I don’t know, there’s just something about you in black and white with such a serious expression...Fuck, it just _does_ things to me,” Phil sighed, and it took everything in Dan not to jump him right then and there.

“Yes. That’s why you have me, as the voice of reason. Now, this one’s got to go, I look like I just swallowed a knife or something.”

“But I love that one!”

“Really?”

“Okay, _fine_ , if you insist,” Phil pouted. “But that just means we have to keep this one.” He held up a shot of Dan clearly in mid-pose and smirked.

“You little shit. Give me that.” Dan snatched the photo away, crumpling the expensive shiny paper into a ball and lobbing it at Phil’s head. Phil gasped and showered Dan with a series of soft punches until tears dripped down both their faces, sides shaking from hysterical silent laughter. By this point, Dan had fallen backwards on the sofa, feeling the older man’s trembling breath on his face as their noses were just inches apart. Dan gazed directly into those blue, blue eyes, seeing every fleck of green and gold that shot out around his pupils like a starburst. His heart pounded in his ears, setting every particle of skin alight. “Hi,” he breathed, thoroughly enjoying Phil’s equally goofy smile.

“Well hello there.” Phil’s attempt at a suave, deep tone cracked them both up. “I have to say, I think I like this Dan even more than the one in the pictures.”

“Oh come on, you can’t possibly mean that.”

“Yes. I. Do,” Phil replied, kissing a different part of Dan’s face with every word--first his nose, then his chin, then down his neck, drawing out a shiver of delight. He pulled away with a smirk, leaving Dan pouting like a confused puppy, just barely stopping himself from whimpering for more. How could Phil’s lips feel _so good_ on that long strip of skin separating his head from his collarbone? He was going to need an intervention at some point.

“So, I’d say we have a pretty good stack now, don’t we? Those casting directors honestly aren’t going to know what hit them.” Dan barely registered Phil’s words, though, as he was too busy staring at those pink, pink lips.

“What? Oh uh yeah, I guess we’re good. I mean, they’re not phenomenal or anything, but they’ll do.”

“Dan. Come on. Is it in your DNA to be less modest?”

“Nope. That’s what a solid nineteen years of self-hatred will do to you.”

“Okay, I’m not going to start anything tonight, but please just know that you’re absolutely perfect to me. Alright?” Phil’s eyes communicated nothing but softness, softer than the fur of Totoro lying at their feet. It took Dan’s breath away even more than the words that came out of his mouth. Phil’s feelings for him never failed to shock Dan every time. He chose to say nothing, but snuggled into the man next to him with a half-hug and a deep kiss on the side of his head, right above his ear. The rest of the night unfolded quite comfortably, as Dan and Phil had already somewhat settled into a routine during their weekends together.

Somewhere along the way, amid his peaceful thoughts, one suddenly permeated his consciousness: If this was what living with Phil was like, Dan certainly wouldn’t mind it one bit. In fact, if he was being completely honest with himself, he wanted it more than just about anything. He couldn’t possibly tell Phil yet, though. He had just gotten over the feeling of being an intrusion. Things were going so well now, there was no way he could even consider sabotaging that. But maybe...just maybe, if things kept going like this--who knew what his future could hold?

 

\--

“Phil?” Dan felt Phil’s bare chest vibrate against his ear. “What if I fuck everything up tomorrow?”

Finally, the big day had nearly arrived. More than anything, it felt like Dan’s entire life had been leading to this. Of course, with that came a crushing anxiety and a crippling fear of failure. “Or worse--what if I somehow do amazing and they still don’t like me?”

“You’re really worried about that?” Phil rolled over so that Dan could see the full concern etched into every corner of his face. It tore Dan apart, deep inside. He nodded, attempting his best fake smile. Phil brushed a hand through Dan’s long fringe, resting just above his ear.

“Hey. Either way, you’ll know you did your absolute best. Yes, even if you screw up,” Phil added in reply to Dan’s raised eyebrows and parted lips. “No matter what happens, you worked your ass off for this and I couldn’t be prouder of you. You did it, Dan. That’s all that really matters.”

“Has anyone ever told you how amazing you are, Phil?” Dan sighed, feeling a bit of the weight float off his chest like a balloon. But not all of it.

Phil hummed. “Maybe a few times.” His attempted cocky smirk just made Dan snort. “Dan. Look me in the eyes right now.” Phil’s voice was soft with just a hint of firmness, like a well-toasted crumpet. Dan had no choice but to hold his gaze. It wasn’t easy to see Phil’s eyes in this dim lighting, but the utmost sincerity they held spoke to Dan loud and clear.

“You are going to be absolutely fine tomorrow, I promise you. You’re Dan Howell! You’ve performed in front of so many people--and not to mention, you kissed _me_ onstage in front of 21,000 people.” Dan blushed at the recollection. “If those directors tomorrow see even a hint of that boy I saw on that Manchester Arena stage, you’ll be golden. Plus, that audition tape is absolutely golden, I made sure of that.” Dan grinned, remembering the hours spent doubled over in silent laughter as Phil had graciously filmed him and the two had edited down the footage together. It reminded Dan of the YouTubers he had spent much of his teen years idolising, but never quite had the nerve to follow in their footsteps.

“Now stop worrying that pretty little mind of yours and get some sleep, alright? You’re gonna need it.” Phil grabbed Dan’s head and kissed it for just a second before snuggling deeper under the covers. Dan had to agree with him. The audition may not be until 3 in the afternoon, but it would do him absolutely no good to spend all night worrying about it.

Of course, he knew this in theory, but as with everything, putting it into practice was near impossible. Try as he might, his brain just wouldn’t shut up--that is, until an already asleep Phil rolled towards him and settled his arm around Dan’s torso with the sweetest of soft sighs. Dan never realised just how much a simple touch could calm him until that moment. While it may have taken him a while, he eventually drifted off to sleep, a smile pushing up on his lips and a deep comfort stemming from the place where Phil’s skin touched his and spreading all throughout his body. Tomorrow may bring what it would, but in this moment, he had Phil and that was all that truly mattered.

 

\--

“Okay. Okay, okay. You’re sure I’m ready? There’s nothing else I somehow forgot about?”

“Isn’t that something you should be asking yourself, not me?” Phil chuckled lightly, shooting Dan one of his trademark tongue-sticking-out grins.

“Alright, you spork. I thought maybe you might have a better idea of how this might go, since you’re sort of in the business and all, but I get it.” He reached down to stroke Totoro’s shaggy fur, hoping the dog could offer him a comfort similar to Phil’s arms the previous night. It helped a little, but Dan still had to jump around like an idiot just to release some of the tension coursing through his veins.

“Well, the music biz is quite different from the acting world, but I guess they’re not complete opposites. I felt about the same way before my first label showcase. I was even younger than you, you know.”

Dan knew. But he wasn’t about to tell Phil that. He didn’t need to know just how much Dan fangirled over him--especially not when things were going so well. He just studied Phil while shuffling his twin black folders together absentmindedly.

“Hey,” Phil added, “I know I’ve told you this a million times, but I promise you, you’ll be perfectly fine. I’ll be cheering you on from here.” He moved closer and kneaded his hands deeply into Dan’s shoulders, causing the younger boy to melt gratefully into his touch. Dan desperately wished Phil could join him, but he also knew it would cause quite the unnecessary commotion.

A sharp doorbell ring made Phil jump back, face guilty, and Dan felt an immediate chill where his hands had previously rested. Dan shrugged on his coat and gathered up his portfolios, hurrying the short distance from Phil’s lounge to his front door with a tightening in his stomach. Phil followed closely behind, a fact Dan was extremely grateful for. He turned back to the obsidian-haired beauty, whose face showed nothing but encouragement in the purest form.

“Phil, before I go, just….thank you for everything. You’ve been my guiding light and an unwavering whisper of support these past few months and it honestly means the world to me. No matter what happens today, I just want you to know that.”

“Oh, Dan!” Phil’s eyes melted as he pulled Dan into a tight embrace, rubbing a short but comforting rhythm into his back. In just a few seconds, Dan could feel every bit of emotion Phil was transferring, and it filled him like nothing had before. Part of him wanted to remain there forever, but a bigger piece of him knew his destiny lay just outside that door. So he pulled away after one last squeeze with his bravest face and squared shoulders, exchanging his final goodbyes and stepping out into the frozen British air without once looking back. It was all up to him now--but the knowledge that Phil Lester believed in him gave Dan a new shot of strength that he couldn’t find anywhere else. And that was truly something special.

 

\--

The hallway was a bit of a disappointment, to say the least.

Sure, it was far from ramshackle quality, but it wasn’t exactly the pristine, ultra-sleek area Dan had pictured either. He settled himself into a hard plastic chair, heart pounding even faster at the sight of the other hopefuls. A few other boys sat around him, distressingly dressed exactly like him in an array of graphic T shirts and black jeans, flipping through their portfolios and staring at the white cinderblock walls, probably mentally running through their monologues. The guy directly across from him even had the nerve to size Dan up and down, shooting him a challenging glare before turning back to his portfolio. He remembered Tony’s words from the car ride there: “Everyone’s going to want it just as badly as you. You’ve just got to show them why _you_ deserve it more than anyone else in the world.” If only that was all it took.

A few silent minutes passed, Dan doing everything in his power not to pull out his phone and fiddle with it, as he was wont to do in anxiety-inducing situations like this. Phil, Tony, and Paul the acting coach had all explicitly warned him how unprofessional it was. So Dan just sat there, awash in conflicting emotions and wishing he could just get this all over with. Suddenly a wooden door creaked open on Dan’s right, revealing yet another 20-something guy with his head held high and a glowing smile pasted onto his face. _I have this in the bag_ , his eyes screamed. Dan gulped.

A second later, a ridiculously gorgeous young woman poked her head out, and every young actor’s head immediately shot up. “Daniel Howell?” she asked. Dan’s heart, which had previously been pumping like a butterfly’s wings, accelerated to the speed of a helicopter. He stood up, a bit too fast (damn that hypotension), and had to press a shaky hand down into the chair next to him to steady himself. Gripping the twin black portfolios tightly in his other hand, Dan pushed his spine as straight as it would allow him, and commenced his short walk into the audition room, hyper-aware of every eye on him.

The room was large, with small windows high on the walls directly to his right and left. A girl about his age sat tall in a plastic chair in the back corner, shooting Dan a dazzling smile. Damn. Was this their Bianca?

Sat at the long table in front of him were the beautiful woman who had ushered him in, as well as a man with a bold brow and an unmistakable sternness in his eyes. Dan took in a deep breath, easing his slightly shaking body, and handed his folders over with what he could only hope was a gracious smile.

“Good afternoon. I’m Daniel Howell and today I’ll be performing as Benvolio from _Romeo and Juliet_.” The directors nodded at him and Dan closed his eyes for just a second, picturing Phil’s smiling face as if it was right in front of him. It didn’t cure all his nerves, but it was certainly better than nothing.

And then he launched straight into his monologue, embodying each emotion he had perfected at just twelve years old, as well as the more complex nuances Paul had recently taught him. With every word, Dan felt his faked confidence slowly grow into something real, filling him with a buzz of adrenaline he could only receive from performing. The intimidating man’s expression may have remained unreadable, but that was nothing Dan hadn’t dealt with before. His old Sunday stage school director, especially, had a tough exterior perfect for whipping his young actors into shape, with a softness underneath only accessed when he felt rightfully proud of his students. Dan had received some of that rare praise on a few shining occasions, and he would do anything to win it from this guy too. He had to.

All too soon, he had reached the end, nodding his head again with a “Thank you” and what was ideally his most winning smile.

“Thank you, Daniel,” the woman smiled warmly, only speeding Dan’s recently calmed heart back up again. “Would you be up for reading with Rosie here? She’s going to be our Bianca.” The girl in the back corner stood up then, smoothing her peach skirt and walking over to Dan, her perfectly highlighted honey-blonde curls bouncing in the most mesmerising way. She held her hand out to Dan, who did his best to quench his inner fanboy and at least appear professional as he firmly shook it, feeling the baby-softness of her cool skin.

He stepped up to grab a selection of the script from the casting directors, skimming it over and internalising the character of Cameron James, the young and sometimes clueless high schooler who tries everything in his power to win Bianca over. Dan could understand that. He had certainly had his share of crushes, and done some embarrassing things to gain their affections--including actually creating a goddamn poster asking for Phil to be his first kiss.

He nodded at Rosie and as she started, Dan could immediately tell she was the perfect Bianca. Self-assured with just a hint of aloofness, she was everything a popular girl should be along with something that was all her own. This was Cameron’s first interaction with Bianca, so Dan did his best to channel his inner smitten teenager, maybe just a little too earnest at the opportunity of talking with his crush for the first time. Along the way, he felt himself getting pulled into Rosie’s magnetic persona--how couldn’t he, really, she was fantastic--and had to remind himself in the back of his mind that he had a...something. Whatever Phil was to him.

The scene finished in a couple minutes, both actors exhaling slightly as they broke character. Rosie shot Dan a twinkling-eyed smile and it took nearly everything in him to tear his eyes from her and nod again at the casting directors.

“Thank you, Daniel. We’ll let you know,” the stern-faced man nodded back, speaking his first words since Dan had entered the room. He scribbled another note down on Dan’s resume as Dan walked out, head held high even as his mind was buzzing off the hook with equal amounts of doubts and optimism.

As he slumped into the black car waiting for him outside, he refused to allow himself to believe anything but the worst. But a sliver of hope somehow snuck in anyway, making a home in Dan’s brain that he just couldn’t get rid of, try as he might. (And deep down, he really didn’t want to.) Man. He was positively bursting to tell Phil about _this_ …


	6. Chapter 6

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> As exam season hits, Dan is immediately hit by a crushing lack of preparation and some serious stress, leaving Phil behind to pick up the pieces. Much to Dan's dismay, a concerned professor reaches out to him, issuing a wake-up call. Can Dan keep his spot in uni? Or will he be sent home, stripped of his dignity, and hours away from Phil?
> 
> Warning for anxiety

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Welcome to the first weekly update of this fic! I know this chapter is a bit shorter than what we've had recently, but I also have 2 big projects and a paper due this week so I've been a bit drained. That being said, though, I do have 4 days off for Easter this week, so expect your regular meaty chapter coming next Sunday or Monday, depending on my schedule. I hope you enjoy!!

Why hadn’t Dan spent more time revising? Why did he put this audition before his exams, obviously his more pressing responsibility? Why could he barely decipher anything in this damn little book? What was he supposed to do now?

His breath came in short bursts as all his muscles seemed to tighten at once. This wasn’t happening. This wasn’t happening. He knew this stuff. Of course he did. He just had to remember it.

Nothing came to him, though. It was like his brain was locked up and the little devil on his shoulder had thrown away the key. Dan tapped his feet against the hard linoleum, hoping to ease some of the tension from his body. Really, all he wanted was to run right out of the room, but he couldn’t do that. Well, he _could_...but everyone would think he was insane. Plus, he’d definitely fail the exam.

_Just write something. Pull something out of your ass. You’re a decent writer, you can probably make something up and still make it sound at least articulate._

With a deep shaking breath, he pulled over the small black book--a task that felt akin to moving a mountain in his state--and grabbed his pen in an iron grip. These essays weren’t going to write themselves.

Dan never felt more grateful to see those Manchester Uni hallways until the moment he stepped out of that first exam room. He wanted nothing more than to slump back to his room and sleep or cry or both for a thousand years, but he had another exam in less than an hour. And this one would probably be just as exhausting, if not worse.

Sure enough, by the end of his third and final exam of the day, Dan honestly felt like he had been thrown into a volcano and forced to climb out inch by inch until there was almost nothing left of him. He had no idea how he finally made it into his room that afternoon, but once he arrived, there was nothing more he wanted than for the sweet release of death to swallow him whole. Unfortunately, the universe didn’t seem to have that in the cards for him today.

Blocking his door was a gaggle of all his female housemates, ready to pounce the second Dan turned the corner. “Dan! Oh my god, I heard you auditioned for a _film?_ And you’re dating Phil Lester? How did the audition go? What were the film people like? Did you get the part? And how is Phil coming along on his album? Come on, you can tell us, we won’t tell anyone!” The shimmer in Anna’s green-grey eyes told Dan otherwise, though.

“It was fine. I kinda don’t really feel up to talking about it right now, though. Can I please just get in my room?” Dan mumbled, too exhausted to raise his voice any more.

“Oh come on, Dan!” Aleysha pleaded. “It won’t take long! We’ll be out of your hair in like two minutes, I promise.”

“Look. I just took three exams that massively kicked me in the ass and I kinda just wanna lie down and sleep for the next millennium. Can you guys please get out of the way? I really don’t wanna resort to pushing you.”

“Okay guys, let’s give it a rest. Dan really needs his sleep. I told you all this wasn’t a good idea anyway,” Lizzie, always the voice of reason, advised, backing away from the door as Dan sighed gratefully. He thanked her as she eventually led the other three girls down the hall.

“You’re not off the hook yet, Dan! We’ll get you in some serious girl talk one of these days!” Madelyn called back. Lizzie shoved her playfully, shaking her head back at Dan, who honestly didn’t think he had ever felt more grateful to finally enter that prison cell of a room.

Flopping down on his bed, he pulled his laptop to his chest and squeezed, hoping to drain all the emotions out of his body but not quite succeeding. He pushed out a massive sigh, propping the computer up on his legs and opening the lid. _Please, please, please let Phil be on Skype_ , he prayed to whatever supernatural being that may be listening.

Thankfully, he was. Dan clicked “Call” faster than he had done anything in his life, and waited with a stomach full of knots for Phil to pick up. Seeing that familiar smiling face on his screen nearly brought him to tears for the umpteenth time that day.

“Dan! How were your exams? And the audition? Tell me everything, please, I need to know!”

Dan finally broke into a smile for the first time in hours. “Can we not even talk about my exams? Let’s just say I think rocket science would actually be easier.”

“They were that bad?”

“That bad. But hey, on a brighter note, my audition went pretty great yesterday!” Dan couldn’t stand to see Phil concerned like this, so he plastered on his best fake smile. He hoped Phil wouldn’t notice just how shaky it was, though.

“Really? Oh Dan, I knew you could do it! I’ll bet the casting directors absolutely adored you!”

“I sure hope so.” Dan launched into his story, embellishing some of the other actors for entertainment and majorly downplaying his attraction to Rosie Montgomery. He didn’t need a jealous Phil on top of all his other problems. Through it all, Phil listened with wide eyes and slightly parted lips, his shining face response enough for Dan.

“You see? I knew you could do it! You know what, we should celebrate! Let’s go out, get some dinner, have a real sit-down talk, my treat. Maybe after your exams are over?” Phil’s earnest expression was so pure, Dan hated to let him down, but it had to be done.

“Yeah, but what about the paparazzi? Plus, I haven’t actually gotten the part yet. Doesn’t it seem a little premature? I don’t want to go all out for something that might just end up being a letdown, you know?”

“Yeah, but you have this in the bag! I’m telling you, Dan, you need to believe in yourself. Sure, maybe some of those other actors were incredible but you’re better. I’d be willing to bet almost anything on that.” Phil’s unflinching belief in Dan was honestly one of the few things keeping him going these days. He still couldn’t quite understand what Phil saw in him, but he sure as hell enjoyed it either way.

“Thank you, Phil. God, I seem to be saying that a lot lately, but seriously, thank you for everything. You got me here in the first place, and that’s more than I ever could have imagined even four months ago. Enough about me, though. What’s up in Phil world? How’s the album going? Everyone seems to be asking me about it now, as if they think I have some sort of special insight into the inner workings of Phil Lester.”

Was it Dan’s imagination, or did Phil’s smile falter just a bit? His pixelated image didn’t give him much of an answer.

“It’s...well, it’s going fine. No hints, though, not even for you. I’m sorry, Dan.” He genuinely did look sorry--and just a tad uncomfortable. “Hey, did I tell you what Totoro did today?”

Dan listened amicably as Phil launched into a story of his dog and a cushion he wouldn’t stop stealing off the couch, but he couldn’t keep his mind from wandering. Was he keeping Phil from working on his music? He couldn’t live with himself if he somehow got Phil’s record label angry with him. Phil was putting so much of himself into Dan, which Dan of course fully appreciated, but he also wanted to shake Phil by the shoulders and tell him to take some time for himself for once. More than anyone he knew, Phil deserved it--Dan just hoped he could get Phil to believe that himself.

 

\--

“Dan, do you mind stopping by my office for a minute, if you don’t have any exams right now?”

Professor Jones, his Property Law instructor, poked her head out of her book-laden office. Her furrowed eyebrows and slight frown were enough to turn his stomach to ice. Right now? After he had just fought through (and almost undoubtedly failed) his last exam? He sighed and stepped inside with leaden feet and an equally heavy heart.

“Thank you. Sit down, there’s something I’d like to discuss with you.” She gestured to a wooden chair opposite her tornado of a desk. Dan gently lowered his bag. Unsure of what to do with his hands, he just clasped them together, nails digging slightly too deep into his palms. At this point, though, he could barely feel it.

“I’m not quite sure how to say this, but...Dan, I’ve been worried about you. Your A-level grades were fantastic and the personal statement you wrote for us was extraordinary, but I just don’t think you’ve been living up to your potential this term. Your exam was...well, it was rather abysmal, to be frank. Your grades haven’t been much better, either. Are you sure law is really what you want to study? In fact, are you sure uni is right for you? You’re going to have to put in quite a bit more effort if you want to pass this course. I’m afraid you may have to re-sit this exam if you don’t start pulling your weight, young man.”

It was worse than any lecture his parents had ever given him. Something in Dan just couldn’t bear the thought of upsetting a teacher. Even in high school, when he often brushed off his teachers’ disapproving comments, they still struck a chord deep inside him. His breath caught in his throat. Was it even possible for his heart to twist this sharply? He felt like Julius Caesar in the final act. But this was no Brutus--he had done this to himself.

“I’m really sorry, professor. I guess I just didn’t expect Law to be this hard. I thought it would be a lot of arguing and cool suits and sassy finger-pointing like you see in the films, but I guess not.”

A shaky breath rattled his entire frame. There was no denying it. He had to divulge the truth. Professor Jones was the kindest of all his instructors this term, so hopefully she could at least attempt to understand. Face utterly on fire and eyes focused on the Indian rug brightening the mahogany wood underneath, he added, “Honestly, I don’t know what I’m doing--with uni, or with life. I used to think my life was all set out for me, that I was just meant to do what I’m told, but now I don’t have anyone telling me what to do and that’s really weird? I feel like I should have some neon sign telling me what I should be doing, where my life should be going, but I don’t. And I honestly don’t know how to feel about that.”

Was he really telling all this to a professor? God, how stupid was he? He should have just kept his mouth shut and left when he had the chance. No, he never should have come in here in the first place. She was almost surely going to kick him out of the school now.

“Oh Dan, I’m so sorry you feel that way. Truly, I am. I can tell you one thing, though--you certainly aren’t alone.” The gentleness in her tone was enough to tear Dan’s eyes back up to her round face. Her disappointment had completely drained, leaving pure concern in its wake. Somehow, though, it wasn’t pitying. Professor Jones looked like she genuinely wanted to help. “I’d be willing to tell you at least five of your classmates are feeling the exact same way.” She clapped her hands together, the sudden movement causing Dan to flinch a little. “I’ll tell you what, though. How about you stick it out for this next term and then we can reevaluate and see where you’re at. Sound good?”

Dan almost couldn’t believe his ears. He was allowed to stay? He didn’t have to go back home, to whatever hell his parents would have in store for him once they realised he had flunked out? “Really? I--wow, thank you, professor! I’ll definitely try a lot harder this term, I promise.”

“Good. I certainly hope so, Dan. You have a bright future ahead of you. I’d hate to see you waste it.” She stood up and offered out a hand. Dan did the same, pumping her lined hand perhaps a bit too eagerly. He couldn’t help it, though. He was just so relieved. He _had_ to tell Phil about this. He had helped Dan so much these past few days when the crushing weight of exams had threatened to pull him under. As always, though, Phil was there with the golden hand to pull him up, suggesting that maybe law just wasn’t Dan’s thing after all, and there was nothing wrong with that. Somehow, that still meant more to Dan than anything his professor had said just now.

Dan merely nodded in reply, grabbing his bag and thanking his professor once again.

“You’re quite welcome. Good luck in this next term, I wish you all the best.”

Dan stepped out with a slightly airier chest, but still utterly lost as to how he was going to handle this term if the last one had been pretty much Greek to him. Maybe he should actually look into finding a tutor. Did anyone tutor in law anyway?

His head swimming with thoughts and eyes barely focusing on anything in front of him, Dan didn’t even think to check his phone until he finally returned to his room a few minutes later. He immediately wished he hadn’t, though, as there was nothing but a single voicemail--and it was from his parents. Hands trembling, he brought the phone to his ear as it automatically dialed.

“You have one new voicemail message. New message.” the posh but robotic machine began, before his mum’s stern voice filled his ear.

“Dan. I just got a call from one of your professors and she tells me you nearly failed your exam? This is unacceptable behaviour, young man. How do you expect to earn a degree by just skating by? If you don’t straighten up and seriously start focusing on your education, I’m going to have no choice but to pull you out. You fought so hard just to get there--well, you’d better start appreciating it. I hope to see a change in your behaviour soon. Goodbye, Dan.” Just like that, the message ended, leaving Dan with widened eyes and parted lips, and his heart somewhere near his feet.

How would he see Phil if he was no longer living in Manchester? Would he even be able to keep on the acting path that he was starting on? He hit the end button and let his phone slide from his ear onto his bed, as he curled himself into a tight ball, suddenly feeling all the emotions that had piled up this week let out like a fizzy soda bottle. A trembling breath once again shook his entire being as a dampness suddenly spilled onto his cheeks.

_What was he supposed to do?_


	7. Chapter 7

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> After a kick-in-the-ass phone call from his mother, Dan must come to terms with choosing between acting and uni. But what happens when Phil brings up an offer Dan just can't refuse?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> First of all, I just wanted to say I'm really sorry that this is a whole week late but let's just say life (and exam season here in America) have been kicking me in the ass recently. As I've also got a whopping four big projects due next week, there's very likely going to be another two week break between these next chapters (again I'm sorry, but school is a lot of work!). Anyway, I hope you enjoy, and I'd love to hear your thoughts on this story and where you think it may be going!
> 
> Disclaimer: I do not own either of the songs mentioned in this chapter. All rights go to their respective owners. (You can find the songs [here](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=XaKr98ktoxU) and [here](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=CJDAmXHHfuM) if you'd like to have a listen while you're reading.)

_Dan. Come on. Pull yourself together, you pathetic little shit. You’re better than that._

Uncurling his body felt akin to lifting the entire world on his back, but Dan somehow managed to sit up. His hands gravitated straight to his laptop, pulling it forward and praying that Phil would be on Skype.

But wait. He couldn’t possibly video chat Phil in this state. Should he just call him? No, Dan could barely even look at his phone. Too exhausted to walk even the short distance to the bathroom, Dan wiped a jumpered sleeve across his face, arranging his fringe into what he hoped was at least a semi-presentable look. Well, if Phil really wanted to be with a mess like Dan, he was going to have to get used to breakdowns like this. Dan only wished he didn’t have to reveal this ugly side of him so soon.

By some sheer miracle, Phil was online. Dan immediately called him with what little pride he had left. He hated feeling like he needed Phil like this, but he honestly had nowhere else to go.

“Dan! How are you? Your exams are over now, right? How did they go?”

Phil sounded so upbeat, which only tore deeper into Dan’s heart. “Well, I won’t lie, they certainly weren’t easy. I wanted to talk to you about something else, though.”

“What is it?”

“Um, well.” _Spit it out, Dan._ “I got a call from my mum just now. A voice mail, actually. She wasn’t happy. She basically told me I had to shape up and pull my grades up, or she’ll pull me out of here and send me back home.”

Phil looked stricken. “She can’t do that! You’re an adult now! Don’t you have an unconditional offer anyway?”

“Yeah. _She_ sure doesn’t see that, though.”

“Well, you know what? How about we let her come around, and if not, hey--you can always stay with me. I’d be more than happy to offer you my house for as long as you need it.”

“R--really?” Were Dan’s ears deceiving him? “Are you sure?”

“One hundred percent.” Phil’s eyes did the talking for him. Dan had no idea what it was, but some part of Phil’s words or his puppy dog look (or maybe a mixture of both) touched something deep inside him. Most people had barely offered him even as much as an extra snack in his school days, so for Phil to be offering his _home?_ It was more than Dan could ever imagine.

“Wow, I...I don’t...I don’t know what to say. Thank you, Phil. You honestly don’t know how much this means to me.” Before Dan even had a chance to elaborate, though, his phone started playing a jaunty tune. Who could be calling him this late at night? Phil, apparently having heard the ringer through the computer, wore an equally baffled expression.

Quickly finding his phone on the corner of his bed, Dan discovered the call was from an unknown number. What the...there were no telemarketers working this late. Maybe it was a prank call? Or maybe...no, he couldn’t dare to hope.

“Should I..?”

“Oh my God, yes, answer it! I’ll still be here, don’t worry. You can even put it on speaker if you’d like.”

That actually wasn’t a bad idea. Dan sucked in a big breath and hit “Answer”, immediately switching on the speakerphone. A silky smooth female voice suddenly filled the room.

“Good evening. My apologies for calling so late, but is this Dan Howell?”

“Y--yes, this is he.” Dan’s heart slammed against his ribs. He _recognised_ that voice. But it wasn’t...was it?

“Oh, good. This is Eleanor Price, from Carter and Price Casting. Well, Dan…” A _tsk_ and a sigh escaped her tone, and Dan felt his heart drop all the way to his toes. “We reviewed your audition, as well as your resume and tapes--those were fantastic by the way, Tom and I were really blown away. However.” Dan knew where this was heading, and his arms itched to throw his phone across the room. “We’ve decided to give the part to someone else. I’m very sorry, but I do hope you continue acting. You’ve got a gift, Dan. I’d hate to see that go to waste. You have a good night now, alright?”

“Sure. Sure, yeah, thank you, you as well. Good luck with the film,” Dan choked out through a throat that was constricting every second.

“Thank you so much, and good luck to you as well! Bye now, hon!” The pep in her voice just cut deeper into his chest.

The call ended, and Dan finally lifted his eyes to Phil on the computer screen. Part of him wanted to punch the pity straight out of those pools of icy blue. He squeezed his own eyes shut and glanced away. Glancing back, though...was that a hint of excitement he detected? No, it couldn’t be, it was gone after a blink. It must have been the horrible webcam quality. That was the only explanation.

“Dan, I...I don’t know what to say. I’m so sorry. Is there anything I can do from all the way over here to help?”

“No. Honestly, I should have known I wouldn’t get it anyway. Of course they’d get someone with more experience, who looked more the part, who _acted_ more the part--how did I even let myself believe I could be in a film anyway? God, I’m such an idiot.” It was all he could do to keep the tears from pouring out. Why, _why_ did Phil have to witness this? He should be celebrating Dan’s triumphs, not attempting to console this screwup of a person.

“Dan. Listen to me. I would be grabbing your face right now if I could, but I guess I’ll have to settle for grabbing the webcam. Dan? _Dan._ ” The sharpness in Phil’s tone forced Dan’s eyes back up, only to find his idol’s figure obscured by snow white wiggling fingers. What a dork. Dan’s heart lifted slightly from its sewer-deep depths, but he couldn’t crack a smile just yet.

“Okay fine, I’m listening. What is it?”

“Thank you. You don’t know how badly I want to be there with you, honestly.” Phil’s voice cracked, serving only to drive the knife deeper into Dan’s heart. What he wouldn’t give to fall safely into those strong arms, just like the night they watched _Wall-E_. Why was life so goddamn unfair? Why couldn’t he just go back to that magical night and stop time so that he never had to leave? Tears pooled in Dan’s eyes. Well, it was only a matter of time, he supposed.

“But look,” Phil continued, “I know how badly you wanted that part. Trust me, I _know_. You thought it was your ticket out of that hell and that sucks. I know. There’s no possible way of sugarcoating that. That doesn’t mean everything is over, though. Just because one door is closing, that doesn’t mean a new one won’t open--that’s sort of how the saying goes, right? Hey. Hey, Dan? Are you crying?”

“No. I mean--fuck okay yes, I know I’m a mess, I’m sorry. It’s just not _fair_ , you know?” A ragged breath tremored through Dan’s entire body, leaving him gasping. “After all the shit I’ve had to deal with these last few weeks? Is the world intent on making me miserable or something?”

“Oh, _babe_.” Now Dan was gasping for a completely different reason. “I’m so, so sorry. Literally everything in me is screaming to get a taxi and come over there, but the stupid paps would have a field day. Not to mention the news would be all over campus the second anyone spotted me. Seriously Dan, you don’t wanna be famous. I can’t go two metres off my property without being photographed. That doesn’t matter, though. What matters is that we get you feeling better.” Suddenly, Phil’s eyes lit up. “Hey, wait a second. I have an idea. Can you sit tight for one minute? Is it okay if I go get something, or should I stay here?”

“Oh, go ahead.” Dan waved his hand in a pathetic dismissal. “Don’t worry, I’ll still be here, just wallowing in my misery. I’ll be fine, though, trust me.”

“Well, alright,” Phil replied dubiously, sliding off his bed and out of frame. With Phil gone, Dan now had a golden opportunity to look around his room (or as much of it as he could see, anyway). Glancing up at the art-covered wall behind his bed, though, Dan immediately wished he hadn’t. Left in this sorry state, the need to be back in Phil’s room with the man himself constricted his heart until he was sure it would break right then and there, and a whole new wave of tears rushed forward despite himself.

Snapshots of the glorious nights he had spent there flashed before Dan’s eyes like some sick torturous highlight reel. He could still feel Phil’s fingers gently caressing his skin, soft whispers of affection contained in the twilit movements, hear his loving murmurs. Why couldn’t he just magically teleport himself there? Sure, he could certainly call a cab, but he could barely muster up the energy to reach across the bed for his phone, let alone attempt to actually socialise with a stranger. Was it wrong to need another person this badly?

Thankfully, a distant thumping signaled Phil’s return before Dan could get too lost in his own head. After a sharp jolt of his laptop, Phil was eventually revealed to be sitting cross-legged with none other than his favourite acoustic guitar, the one with the beautiful vines crisscrossing the body. _What…? But why? God, this_ man!

“I’m really not the best at helping people feel better. Like, honestly, it feels like everything I have to say comes out wrong somehow. Music helps me speak my feelings better than anything else, though. So I’d like you to just sit back and listen because these words say everything I feel better than anything else can. Alright?”

What could Dan do but nod? His heart rate quadrupled. Here he was, about to be sung to by _Phil Lester_ on Skype. It was just like all his teenage daydreams, but a thousand times sweeter. Phil deftly positioned his fingers and began plucking out a moderate but familiar tune. No way. No way, no way, no way. Phil didn’t even know how much Dan loved this song, and yet…!

Seconds later, a smooth deep voice joined the picking.

 

_We’ll do it all_

_Everything_

_On our own_

 

_We don’t need_

_Anything_

_Or anyone_

 

Just then, Phil’s fingers switched frets almost quicker than Dan could comprehend, plucking out a slightly slower but equally recognisable melody. _No!_ Just when Dan felt his heart would burst, Phil pulls out one of his absolute, all-time favourites? How did Dan ever get this lucky? Seconds later, Phil adds in a falsetto that quite honestly rivals the original--which was really saying something, especially coming from Dan.

 

_I’ll be there as soon as I can_

_But I’m busy mending broken pieces of the life I had before_

 

The legato plucking continued for a moment, tears now streaming freely down Dan’s cheeks, before Phil picked up speed again in a return to the first melody. When he glanced back up at the camera, Dan glimpsed a host of emotions playing upon his face, even through his blurred vision. His eyes pleaded with Dan to hear him, to understand just how much he was laying his heart out on the line, and Dan was sure he had never felt more in love with Phil than he did in this moment.

 

_I don’t quite know_

_How to say_

_How I feel_

 

_Those three words_

_Are said too much_

_They’re not enough_

 

Holy--. Was Phil actually admitting this, with so much emotion and sincerity? Before Dan could really grab onto that whisper of a question, though, the obsidian-haired beauty easily switched back into the other song, leaving Dan once again in awe of his remarkable talent.

 

_I’ll be there as soon as I can_

_But I’m busy mending broken pieces of the life I had before_

 

_Let’s waste time_

_Chasing cars_

_Around our heads_

 

_I need your grace_

_To remind me_

_To find my own_

 

_I’ll be there as soon as I can_

_But I’m busy mending broken pieces of the life I had before_

 

_All that I am_

_All that I ever was_

_Is here in your perfect eyes, they’re all I can see_

 

Glancing back up at the webcam, Phil’s eyes spoke a single truth: _You’re phenomenal, Dan. Please, please just see your amazing self the way I see you for once._

Wow. If Phil felt that strongly about him...Dan’s heart finally lifted from its resting place somewhere near his feet. How had he gotten this lucky?

 

_I don’t know where_

_Confused about how as well_

_Just know that these things will never change for us at all_

 

_I’ll be there as soon as I can_

_But I’m busy mending broken pieces of the life I had before_

_Before you_

 

A trailing vocalisation and a few somber plucks of the guitar strings signaled the end of the song. Dan suddenly snapped back to his senses. His arms ached to wrap themselves around Phil’s steady, strong body, feel the warmth of his skin and never let go. The puppy dog look in his eyes only exacerbated Dan’s feelings.

“Phil. That was...I’m...I love you so much, Phil. _So_ much. Just...thank you, nobody’s ever done that for me before.” Dan felt a flutter at finally speaking the words he had wanted to say from that first night in the dressing room, but a much greater part of him merely felt relieved to get those feelings out in the open once and for all.

“I love you too, Dan.” And at those four words, Dan felt a piece of his soul ascend to the stratosphere. How many sleepless nights had he spent dreaming of this moment? And now it was a reality? Dan’s lips itched to latch back onto Phil’s. Would it really be that weird to kiss the computer screen?

“Those two songs--well, besides being some of my favourites, I think they speak my feelings better than I ever could. I love you to the ends of the earth, Dan, and I really hope you can see just how special you are because you truly are special. The most special. Life may have absolutely shat on you recently, but I’ll always be right here to help you get back on your feet and show everyone who’s boss. Okay? Hey, are--are you crying?”

“I, um--well, yeah,” Dan chuckled wetly through his emotional haze. “I’m sorry I’m such a mess tonight, it’s just that nobody’s ever really felt this way about me before. I mean, my parents always kind of just dealt with me, and I was never really that close to anyone in school. Like, yeah, I had a girlfriend for a while, but it was never like this. Never--never this. You seem to know how to make everything better without me ever having to tell you what I need. I can seriously never thank you enough for that, Phil. I just wish I could be there to say it in person.” He wiped his hands messily across his face, sucking in shaky breaths and doing his best to compose himself.

“You don’t know how badly I want to be there too,” Phil sighed, and the noise felt like a chasm opening up between the two. “But hey, are you doing better now? I promise there’ll be other auditions, probably even more perfect for you than this one. You’ve got so much potential, Dan, I’d hate to see you quit now.” Was that an extra sparkle in his eye when he brought up the other auditions? Maybe it was just a trick of the light, or more likely, of the pixels separating the two lovebirds.

“You know what? Yeah, I am doing a bit better, actually. Thanks!” Dan may not have pushed his dark clouds away completely, but he could feel a trace of sunlight poking through, and that was more than enough for him.

They switched topics then, to _Final Fantasy_ and their shared obsession with both the storyline and the music, and Dan felt a lightness in his chest for the first time that night, possibly even for the first time that week. Thank goodness for Phil, man. He really was an angel--in so many more ways than one.

 

\--

_Bloop!_

“Hey Dan, how’s uni going? I know it’s been a while but I saw you went to a Phil Lester concert and actually got to kiss him onstage? And I know it’s probably all lies but there’s been some gossip blogs saying you guys are a thing now and you might have details about his next album? Sorry please don’t hate me for this but ever since people here found out we went to the same school, nobody’s stopped asking me about it so I figured I’d just ask you once and for all. Hope you’re doing well!”

This wasn’t the first Facebook message Dan had gotten about the whole situation. He sighed, pushed his hair back, digging his fingers just a little too deep into his scalp. How was he supposed to answer these?

Yes, he and Phil were a thing but that didn’t mean Dan wanted to blast it to the world, and neither did Phil. How was Dan supposed to deal with all these eyes on him? He just wanted a simple kiss from his idol--how could he have ever predicted this shitstorm?

 _Okay, Dan, calm down. It’s not a_ shitstorm. _It’s just a bunch of people you barely knew in high school and some of the leading gossip blogs speculating about you and your famous boyfriend. Just some people talking about you. It’s not like the entire world has their eyes on you or anything._

Except...they kind of did. Dan, originally one to lay low and associate only with the few friends he had made in his courses and in the halls, was suddenly being stopped at every corner, by just about every student in the university. People surrounded him in lectures, forcing him out of his shell and attempting to wheedle the tiniest details out of him. Dan was nearly ready to pull himself out of there, regardless of his mum’s warning. But he couldn’t possibly return home a failure. What would his parents think then?

He sighed again, steeling himself up to type a hopefully cordial, if not pleasant, reply. Imagining all the messages identical to this one made his blood boil, though, and what came out was this:

“Hey Abby! Uni’s fine. Pretty much drowning in parties and coursework, but that’s to be expected, right? Anyway, yes, I kissed Phil Lester at that concert since it’s kind of his thing and I figured I’d make a poster asking him because why not? But that’s it. He kisses a lot of people at his concerts, so it was pretty much nothing. Anyone desperately trying to cling onto a ridiculous speck of proof that we’re together needs to just grow up and get a hobby or at least pick another celebrity to gossip about because unfortunately they’re wrong. And no, of course I don’t have any inside info on Phil’s next album as he’s an extremely private person from everything I’ve read and probably can’t even reveal anything to his own manager. You can show this to anyone who asks, as I’m sure it’s just as exhausting to you as it is to me. Hope you’re doing well, too!”

Dan swallowed back his anger and pushed SEND, closing out of Facebook entirely as he had no interest in seeing Abby’s reply. Sure, he may be working to be a film actor, but that didn’t mean he was ready to be an overnight celebrity just yet. 2011 was already turning out to be the hardest year of his life, and he was barely two months in. How was he supposed to begin to survive the rest of it?

 

\--

**Hey, Dan. Heard about the audition. Sucks man, but that’s how it is. Want to meet for coffee and discuss your next steps?**

Well, Dan was at his nearest Starbucks now, but there appeared to be no Tony to speak of just yet. After grabbing his caramel macchiato (Phil’s favourite was beginning to grow on him), he was about to slump into the closest table until he heard a sharp voice from behind him.

“Dan! Hey, come on back here.” Dan jumped slightly, then strode over to the short figure clothed all in black much like him. Tony extended his arm as Dan sat down. Dan tried his best to pump his hand professionally and at least appear presentable, even if all his insides were screaming. Tony’s dark hair was gelled back to the extreme, reminding Dan of quite a few people he knew in high school, and of course, his ever-present headset sat snugly in his ear like a bug.

“So, Dan. Uni’s going well for you, I hope?”

Dan nodded without thinking. Well, he wasn’t about to tell Tony just how much he was struggling. He’d probably tell him to drop the course altogether, but that idea still felt like driving a knife into his stomach. He wasn’t about to become a dropout--at least not in the middle of the term, anyway.

“Great. Well, let’s get right down to business. So I heard you didn’t get the part, and I am sorry about that. However, as I’m sure you’ll find out, that’s just how the business is. I guarantee you’ll probably have a whole host of auditions before you land that breakout role. It’s not that you’re not good because trust me, you _are_ , but casting directors can get hung up on the littlest things. Really, though, do you think _Titanic_ was Kate’s first audition?” Tony spoke fast, as if he had already downed his quadruple espresso (and judging by the short distance it was pushed away from him, he probably had).

“Well no, of course not,” Dan replied, tipping back a slightly too hot sip of his coffee, then pulled in a deep breath. “But I’ve gotta be honest with you, Tony--I don’t know if I can handle these auditions _and_ uni at the same time. I barely passed my exams last term and I really can’t do that again. Do you think we can take a little break, at least until the end of the school year?”

“Dan. Are you sure about that?” Tony’s dark eyes crackled with intensity. “Taking a break, especially this early in the game, could be detrimental. If anything, you need to put yourself out there even more at this point. Get people knowing your name. Don’t let them forget you. It’s a brutal world out there, but I know you can do it. I can maybe scale you back to one audition a month instead of two or three, but I’m telling you, you can’t just stop because you didn’t make your first casting call. I’m happy to offer you any help you’ll need, but you’ve gotta get back on that horse.”

“Okay, I get what you’re saying, Tony, I really do. It’s really not a matter of me wanting to give up because I didn’t get the part, though. I understand that. I know I won’t make every role, and it’ll probably take me a while to land even one, and that’s fine. I just think I have a little too much on my plate right now. Is that alright?”

“Well, I suppose.” Tony’s eyes had suddenly grown cloudy. “I’m telling you, Dan, you’re going to have to make a decision soon whether you want to be a lawyer or an actor. When you’re ready, you know where to find me.” He pushed back his chair with a screech, pressing a button on his headset. “Now I’m sorry to leave so early, but if I’m late for this meeting, Vanessa will have my hide. Think about it, okay?” With a clap on Dan’s shoulder, he was out the door without so much as a goodbye, leaving Dan staring after him with a racing heart that had absolutely nothing to do with the nearly full cup of coffee in front of him.

He laid his head down on his dark jumper-covered arms before him. How was he supposed to handle this on top of everything else?

No. How was he supposed to survive these next few _months?_

 

\--

“So then he pretty much tells me I have to choose between acting and uni. I mean, what? At least give me some time, man!”

On the computer screen, Phil appeared just as scandalised as Dan expected, which did ease him somewhat. However, there seemed to be something else on his mind.

“Okay, I can totally see why you’re pissed and I definitely am too, but,” his voice slowed down considerably. “I think I know something that could help you decide one way or another.”

Dan’s eyes widened as he rearranged the pillows behind him to help him sit up straighter. “Really? What?”

“Well, I’m still working on getting things finalised, but basically--well, I’m thinking of directing a film! I’ve had all these ideas floating around in my head for years and I’ve been dying to get them down somehow, but music has always been my first priority. I’ve been having trouble songwriting recently, though, so I’ve been focusing on this and I think it’s really good! And you wanna know the best part?” Phil’s eyes glittered with the light of all the oceans. Just as Dan nodded, mouth slightly parted and heart stuttering, Phil burst out, “I want you to star in it!”

“Wait. _What?!_ ” Dan screeched, then immediately covered his mouth. Shit. Hopefully his hallmates wouldn’t suspect anything. “Are you serious?” he gasped in a near whisper, a wide smile creeping across his face. “What about your label? Don’t they want you to put another album out soon?”

Phil bit his lip. “Well yeah, they’re sorta pissed but it’s nothing my manager can’t work out. Anyway, I think the story’s pretty much perfect! You’re gonna be in space and you’re the only one who can save the world from destruction by this alien who you think is your friend but who turns out to be evil. There’ll be tons of plot twists and a bit of a love story between you and your human companion and a really hot bad guy and I’m gonna try to get Nobuo Uematsu to do the music!”

“The _Final Fantasy_ composer? Oh my God, are you serious, Phil?” Dan clapped his hands over his quickly reddening face. “That sounds beyond amazing! Are you sure you want me, though? You could get just about anyone, but you want someone who’s never been in a film and barely knows the first thing about it? Especially when this is your first film yourself?”

“Yes, absolutely. I don’t know anyone who could play it better. So, what do you say, Dan? Do you wanna do it? Filming won’t be till summer, so it won’t interfere with uni or anything! Please, I think it’ll be absolutely perfect!”

How could Dan say no to those glowing cheeks and equally gleaming eyes? “I...wow Phil, I honestly don’t know what to say. I really want to, but I think I need to think about it for a little bit. Is that okay?”

“Alright, but I really do think this is perfect for you, Dan. Plus it means we can spend the whole summer together!”

Damn. That man drew a hard bargain. Dan couldn’t just jump on the first opportunity presented to him with almost no information, though, even if the presenter had the most irresistible smile and dazzling blue eyes he had ever seen--could he?

How was he even supposed to begin focusing on law with this new proposition buzzing about his mind? Maybe he should just drop out now. There was no way he’d be doing anything productive this week.


	8. Chapter 8

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Following Phil's bombshell, Dan struggles to figure out his next move. Should he play it safe and stick with uni, or take the biggest risk of his life and agree to star in Phil's film?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I hope you enjoy!!

Was this even happening?

All Dan’s dreams suddenly laid before him on a silver platter. He just had to take them. 

And yet...something still held him back, prevented him from fully taking that plunge. Doubts flurried through his mind like cherry blossoms in a spring breeze. 

What if Phil’s film flopped? What if it never even hit cinemas? What if Dan completely butchered the part and made Phil ashamed he had ever cast him? Plus, Dan couldn’t stand the idea of getting such an easy leg up like this. It just wasn’t him.

Never in his life had anything been handed to him. Dan had to kick and scream his way to any ounce of success he earned--and boy, had he earned it. Suddenly landing the starring role in a film that his boyfriend just happened to be directing--his boyfriend who also just so happened to be a world-famous rockstar? (The thought still sent a shiver down Dan’s spine even now.) It seemed a little too good to be true, if you asked him.

On the other hand...as horrible as his law courses were, a part of Dan could still see himself standing in a courtroom, beautifully sassing out the opposition. If he was being completely honest, he really liked what he saw. Plus, Dan wasn’t a quitter. Maybe if he just pushed himself a little harder...applied himself more, like his former teachers were always saying. Dan had gotten himself this far--who would he be if he quit now?

Plus, the fear that really stuck an icicle in his stomach: If he were to drop out after only the first year, what would he have to fall back on? His parents would never take him back, and who knew what could happen with him and Phil in the future? What if they broke up? Then where would Dan go?

Sitting in his lectures the day after that Skype call, Dan felt the weight of a bowling ball pounding in his head. His professor’s dull drone floated in and out of his consciousness, Dan rapidly tapping his pencil in every effort to keep his itchy eyes open. He and Phil had remained on the line until 4 AM, the last hour spent in whiny bickers over who should hang up first (eventually Dan, in a haze of exhaustion, accidentally pressed the “End Call” button, his eyes drooping shut and refusing to open until 2 minutes before the start of his 9 AM lecture). Running late for class meant he had to skip his daily quadruple espresso, and Dan was certainly paying for it now. His entire being begged for release from this prison and back to the slightly more comfortable incarceration cell that was his room, where he could happily nap the rest of the day away. There was no way he’d be attending his other lectures today--what was the point, when he’d clearly learn just as little out of class?

Dan was so close to nodding off that he nearly didn’t notice the class packing up to leave--that is, until the guy next to him accidentally elbowed Dan in his haste to pack his bag. Dan came to with a start, rushing to put away his pen and empty notebook, nearly tripping over his own feet on the way out the door. Finally, sleep. God bless. A sigh of relief rippled through Dan’s body, but suddenly stopped short about halfway down.

“Dan? Hey Dan, wait up!” a familiar female voice called him. Dan’s heart sank down to his feet and settled there like an anchor.

“Yeah, Lizzie?” he sighed again, much less peacefully now. “What did Anna put you up to this time?”

“It’s nothing to do with her, actually. Or any of those dumbarses.” She waved a hand in disgust. “You seemed really off today, somehow even more so than usual. Is everything alright?” Her dark eyebrows furrowed into a peak, drawing deep wrinkles across her otherwise smooth forehead.

Really? Could everyone stop with the concerned act already? Dan wasn’t buying it. They didn’t  _ really _ care about him. How could they, when they had no idea what he was dealing with?

“I’m fine seriously, don’t worry.” Dan hitched up a backpack strap, turning slightly away. “I just overslept and didn’t have time for my coffee this morning. I think I just need a nice long nap and I’ll be fine, trust me.”  _ A nice long nap where I never wake up. _ He stepped away, but Lizzie twisted his arm back painfully.

“Dan. You’re not fine, I can see it. Sure, maybe you do need some sleep but it also looks like you’ve got a lot on your mind. Come on, we were friends those first few weeks. I realise I should’ve gotten to you much earlier, but hey, better late than never, right? We can go back to your room or mine if you want. You need to let something out, I can tell.”

Damn. With that kind of insight, it was a wonder Lizzie wasn’t going for psychology rather than law. Dan’s heart twisted as achingly as his arm. He really was struggling with this whole Phil proposition. Plus, he could trust Lizzie. She had proved that to him his first week here. Maybe it wouldn’t hurt to unload just a little…

“Alright, fine. I apologise in advance for the state of my room, though,” Dan grumbled, allowing Lizzie to drag him through the far too bright hallways and out to their halls. Thankfully, they didn’t run into anyone, as they were some of the few people with a break at this time. Dan unlocked his door and kicked some dirty clothes to the side, barely even ashamed of his lack of cleanliness. Lizzie graciously took his desk chair and turned it around to face Dan, who flopped back on his unmade bed like a therapy patient.

“So don’t worry, I’m not going to ask anything about Phil. The other girls in the halls…” Lizzie let out a short sigh, gathering her dark bushy hair into a ponytail then letting it settle down her back, “well, they’re bloody twats, to put it mildly. That’s nobody’s business but yours. I’ve been really concerned about you recently though, Dan. I can tell you’ve never really given two shits about law, but today it just looked like you were somewhere else completely. Is everything alright?” Dan wanted to wipe the worry straight off her face. He certainly appreciated her concern, but he hated the idea of her assuming the worst about him. Still, he supposed it best to set the record straight once and for all.

He sucked in a deep breath before answering. “Well...not exactly. Can I tell you something that you’re not allowed to tell anyone else?”

Lizzie nodded somberly. “Absolutely. You know I’m not like those idiots. You can trust me.” Her words alone may have sounded dubious to anyone else, but sober tone told Dan that she meant what she said.

“Alright, well...it does have to do with Phil, actually.” Lizzie’s eyebrows jumped up, but she allowed Dan to continue. “Basically, he hit me with a bombshell last night. Apparently he’s--um, he’s written a film and is planning on directing it and...he wants me to star in it.” A bit of tension floated off Dan’s chest and he felt himself deflating slightly for the first time since he pulled himself out of bed earlier that morning. Maybe this could help, at least a little.

“Dan!” Lizzie clapped her hands over her wide smile. “That’s incredible! What’s the problem with that?”

“Well, first of all, I’m really not sure I want such an easy leg up to the acting world. I’m used to fighting for what I want, not just having things handed to me.” Lizzie took her hands from her face and nodded understandingly, her eyes searching Dan for any deeper feelings he may not be conveying. “Plus, I know I complain about law all the time and how it makes less sense than ancient Chinese, but I don’t know if I’m ready to leave uni so early. My parents would kill me if I dropped out, plus, well, I’d miss you and maybe a couple of the other law students. You’re pretty much the only thing keeping me sane. Well, you and Phil.” Dan forced out a laugh but it sounded tinny even to his own ears.

“Oh Dan! I’m honoured to not be included in your self-imposed demise. That’s it, though? I mean, yeah, it’s quite a tough choice, but I was honestly imagining something much worse.” The relieved smile returned to her face, giving her brown eyes a new light. It wasn’t a bad look on her, Dan decided.

“Well, that and everyone’s on my ass about my grades but I really couldn’t care less about that right now. I feel like the film is the more pressing issue, as I kind of left Phil on a cliffhanger last night.”

“Alright. Well, I’m not you, so I can’t tell you what to choose, but I do know you need to follow your heart. Look deep down inside yourself. Which choice will you be happier with in five years? This is a once in a lifetime opportunity, Dan, and I’m not saying you absolutely should take it, but I think you should think long and hard before you decide on something. Plus, even if the film flops, at least you’ll be able to say that you did it. Or you can focus on pulling your grades up and have this degree as something to fall back on, as everyone says, even if you end up pursuing this acting thing after you leave. I think both choices are great ideas, but only you can know which one is exactly right for you.” Lizzie’s eyes remained fixed on Dan throughout her entire speech, her irises now crackling with an intensity that Dan was surprised to see in someone his age.

“Well, alright. Thanks, Lizzie. On the one hand...you know, it really would be amazing to just have the experience of being in a film, plus I’d get to be around Phil all the time this summer, since that’s when we’d be filming. But then again, I don’t think I could live with my parents disowning me for my horrible grades and potentially dropping out.” Dan bit his lip. How had he let his life get so hard? He longed for the simple days of childhood, before school came in and fucked everything up.

“Tell them how you’re feeling. I know they’re not horrible people, I’m sure they’ll understand that uni just might not be right for you right now.” How had Dan not even considered this before? It sounded so easy coming from his hallmate. 

“You can run from pain and slightly buffer yourself against the harsh realities of the adult world, or you can take this chance and potentially even turn your life around for the better, doing what you say you’ve always wanted. Okay, I may be a bit biased here, but in the end, it is your decision, Dan. I can’t make it for you.”

“A  _ bit _ biased?” Dan chuckled, feeling slightly more at ease. His mind raced with possibilities. On the one hand, he couldn’t deny the thrill that spread through him when he considered Phil’s film. However, that icicle stab of fear still remained--although Lizzie’s words did assuage that a bit. Sure, his mum had sounded quite upset on the phone last week, but that was just about his grades. She probably thought he was neglecting them to party all the time. If she knew just how much he was struggling, she might come around. Same with his dad, although that might be a trickier story.

Phil’s film was glowing brighter by the second. Gazing up at the beige ceiling, Dan felt a warmth spread through him as he pictured the trailers, the cameras, the red carpets--and best of all, the kaleidoscope-eyed man who’d be there by his side the entire time. He could do this! Sure, it may be scary at times, but there’d be people to help him through, surely. Phil wouldn’t dare leave him floundering.

“I know that smile!” Lizzie had a similar self-righteous grin upon her own face. “You really want to do that film, don’t you?”

“Yeah, I guess I do,” Dan laughed, his final bit of tension floating free and leaving him blessedly weightless. How did Lizzie know exactly what to say? She was a godsend, honestly.

“Then go for it!” Lizzie squealed, bouncing up and down in the hard wooden chair. “You’ll be brilliant, I guarantee. If I know anything about Phil Lester, he wouldn’t have chosen you if he didn’t think you could do it. Just don’t forget me in your Oscars speech, okay?” She winked and jumped up to clap Dan on the shoulder, who just laughed again.

“Thank you so much, Lizzie. That actually helped more than I thought it would.” A yawn suddenly ripped through Dan’s entire body, reminding him of his previous exhaustion. Lizzie stepped over to the door, touching her hand to the knob but turned back to Dan for a final word.

“You’re welcome! Take a break today, you clearly need it. I’ll pick up your coursework, don’t worry. Call Phil when you wake up. I’m sure he’ll be thrilled to hear the news.”

“Really? Thank you so much, you’re the best.” Lizzie just grinned, flicking off the light and slipping silently out of the room. Dan flipped over to his side and closed his eyes. Within minutes, he had drifted off, visions of film crews and camera setups dancing through his head. For the first time in weeks, he had a calm and dreamless sleep--and for Dan, that was a miracle in and of itself.

 

\--

“So, Phil. I’m sure you’re wondering why I’m calling you at 2 PM, when I should be in class.” Dan couldn’t keep the smile off his face, and much to his delight, it was reflected through and through in Phil’s.

“Yes, I was a little concerned when I got the call. But you seem to be pretty happy about something. What’s going on?”

“Well, you may want to brace yourself for this.” Phil’s eyes widened even more than they already were, giving him a slight anime character resemblance. A second later, his tongue poked through his teeth in that adorable way of his.

“Um, so I’ve been doing a lot of thinking today and, well…”  _ Come on, just spit it out already! _ “I’ll do it, Phil. I’ll be in your film!”

Phil immediately clapped his hands over his face, those crystal eyes shining even in his pixelated image. “Really? Oh Dan, that’s fantastic! Oh, I’m so happy for you! We’re going to have the best time! Now, I still need to tweak a few things in the script, but as soon as that’s done I’ll send it right over to you. You’re gonna love it, I just know!” His voice, now reaching a rapid pace, bubbled over with enthusiasm, and Dan felt sure he had never seen anything more precious.

“I can’t wait. I think this is going to be the best summer I’ve had in a while, you know.”

“Yes! Me as well. Oh, this is so fantastic Dan, I knew you’d make the right choice! You know, I do believe this calls for a celebration.”

“You and your celebrations, Phil,” Dan shook his head, a fond grin spreading across his face all the same. He listened to his boyfriend ramble on about cakes and biscuits and balloons and streamers, the smile never once leaving his face.

June really couldn’t come fast enough now. Five entire months. How was Dan ever going to get through such a long stretch of time? Thank goodness for Phil. If he could only stick this out a bit longer, he’d be able to see that angelic face up close and personal every single day. What a concept! Dan only hoped their burgeoning relationship could withstand that constant contact.


	9. Chapter 9

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Dan's first day of filming has finally arrived--but is he ready for the barrage of crew members and a certain castmate intent on undermining him?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Bet you thought I forgot about this fic after 4 weeks, huh? Nope, I've just been sidelined by some major writer's block and quite a few life things (namely finishing up my second year at uni, moving back home, and finally deciding to transfer schools and change my major, along with finding a summer job). But I'm back now and that's all that matters, right? I can't guarantee future updates as I've also got my Phandom Big Bang fic to work on, but I'll definitely try my best! I'm so so sorry if anyone's been waiting for this but I hope you enjoy!!

If Dan’s first few months of uni had been a whirlwind, the culmination of his first year was a tsunami, mixed with a tornado, topped with a blazing wildfire.

Any nights he didn’t spend on Skype or at Phil’s house, he lay flopped on his bed wielding a highlighter and Phil’s script as if they were the most precious things he owned--and in a way, they pretty much were. 

That hefty stack of paper held the keys to Dan’s future. The future he had only dreamed of for years upon years now. Would his younger self have ever believed this?

(Honestly? He’d probably laugh his nonexistent ass off and tell him to return to whatever planet he came from, probably adding in a good whack to the head for good measure. Perhaps it was a blessing time travel hadn’t been invented yet.)

But now, after possibly the most horrendous exams he had ever sat through, he was finally  _ free. _

Instead of heading home once his room had been packed away, Dan was off to the famed Pinewood Studios, which Phil had somehow miraculously rented out for his filming. Ten weeks of Phil, Phil, and more Phil. 

Dreams really could come true, Dan supposed.

Puttering up to the heavy gates in his sad excuse for a car certainly wasn’t the star treatment Dan was expecting, but the butterflies in his stomach still vibrated all the same. 

Immediately upon approaching the orange and white gates, a guard leaned out of the grey security booth on Dan’s right. “Hey there, mate. You Dan Howell?”

Dan’s eyebrows raised. Phil hadn’t cleared him with everybody yet? Then again, this was probably just a security precaution. He fished his wallet out with trembling fingers, flashing his driver’s license. The guard looked from it to him and back again, finally breaking into a huge smile.

“Welcome, Dan. We’ve got some people who are very excited to meet you. And congratulations, by the way.”

“Wow, uh, thanks!” Dan grinned as he accelerated through the now open gates and into the maze of giant studios.

Everywhere he looked, people streamed across the sidewalks and even into the streets, dressed in ridiculous costumes, comparing notes in massive scripts, or lugging huge equipment in and out of the studios’ unassuming exteriors, only further driving home the fact that Dan had made it and this was real.

Soon enough, dozens of camera crews would be capturing his every move as Alex, the universe’s awkward, ill-fated hero. Phil had done an incredible job with the script. Dan could only wish he wouldn’t let him down too much.

_ Well, this is it. You got this far. Now you just have to prove it to them. _

Once Dan finally found the correct lot, he threw his keys in his pocket and grabbed his script from the passenger seat, forcing himself out of that black car even though every cell in his body was screaming against it.

Upon entering the brown and white building, Dan was hit with the same scene he had glimpsed outside, only far brighter and multiplied by ten. Again, hundreds of people were milling about, either shouting into a headset, fiddling with a giant camera, or just attempting to make themselves heard to the person beside them. Dan had never witnessed such commotion--well, maybe when he had seen Phil at Manchester Arena all those months ago. 

This was different somehow, though. Far more disorganised, and with much more tension pushing on the air.  _ Is this what all film sets are like? _

He can’t quite dwell on the thought, though, as he’s nearly barrelled over by a bounding mass of black fur--and the beaming man not far behind.

“Dan! You’re actually here! How are you feeling? I was thinking I could introduce you to some people and then we’d shoot our first scene today. Well--you already know Totoro, of course.” Phil giggled, his face as radiant as the lights surrounding them.

“Oh--well yeah, sure!” Dan had no idea what he expected upon first visit, but he certainly didn’t think he’d be in front of the cameras already. Then again, why else would they be there?

Phil took him by the hand, Dan’s heart jumping ahead of his dragging feet. His script still weighed heavily in his left arm but with nowhere to set it down, he had no choice but to carry it around awkwardly. 

Would he look unprofessional? Was he supposed to be off book now that they were already beginning to film? Phil had warned him to look over the airlock entrance scene, but was Dan prepared enough? He should have flipped through it one more time before he left, how could he be so unprepared?

“So these are Jack and Ben, some of the cameramen.” Phil pointed out two stockley built men, sporting matching heads of fluffy blonde hair and comparing heavily marked-up scripts. Dan plastered on his sunniest grin, hoping they wouldn’t automatically dismiss him due to his starring role. 

Thankfully, they both broke out into friendly smiles, each welcoming Dan with a heavy thump on the back.  _ Maybe this whole film thing won’t be so bad. _

“Over here are Stephanie and PJ, our producers.” A young redheaded woman and a man about Phil’s age with floppy brown hair broke out of their deep conversation to offer Dan warm grins and friendly waves. Stephanie’s face, considerably sharpened by her makeup, took on a softer glow as her blue eyes crinkled considerably.

“Dan, we’ve been hearing so much about you! Don’t worry about this being your first movie, we’re all more than happy to walk you through it. You’ll figure it out in no time. It’s just like making movies when you’re a kid, just a little bit bigger.” American accents may have normally felt jarring to Dan, but somehow Stephanie’s was like a warm hug. Phil really had chosen some fantastic people.

“Yeah, mate. I actually just got out of film school so this is my first film too, but everyone here has been well good to me. You’re in good hands here, trust me.” Something in PJ smoothed the frayed nerves jumping through Dan’s entire being. He sent off an aura of trustworthiness that Dan filed in the back of his mind for his future struggles. He had a feeling he would need someone like PJ throughout this crazy journey.

Slithering through the maze of people and equipment and sets, Dan tried his best to commit names and faces to memory, but  _ damn _ was it hard. Like being introduced to his uni hallmates times twenty. How did Phil do it?

Finally Phil steered him over to a tall black chair facing a cheery-faced woman with bouncy blonde hair and striking blue eyes, who patted the seat before her. Clad in a blue sundress printed with white birds, she radiated confidence and security, something Dan could only dream of doing. 

He bit his lip, hopping from foot to foot for a second before easing himself into the spindly chair. Behind him sat a massive mirror, its counter littered with beauty tools of all colours and sizes.

“And last but never ever least, this is Louise. She’ll be your makeup artist. Louise, this is Dan, our shall we say, star of the show.” Both Dan and Louise giggled at Phil’s false pompous tone.

“It’s so nice to meet you, Dan! My god, your skin is just as impeccable as Phil says. How did you get so lucky?” Louise had already picked up a couple beige bottles, holding them up to Dan’s face with pursed pink lips.

“Well, uh, I don’t know but I’m glad I never had to go through that horrible spot phase as a teenager.”

“Really? Damn, I’m jealous. Well, as I’m sure you’ve heard from everyone, we’re all so glad to have you on set, especially if everything Phil says is true. And don’t worry about film life being hard to handle at first. I’ve done 24 films now and it’s pretty much all the same--just make sure to stay on Mr. Lester’s good side.” Louise shot an over-the-shoulder wink to Phil, who just blushed and shrugged, guiding Totoro over to his director’s chair nearby and settling down to glance over his heavily marked-up script.

As Louise attacked Dan’s face with various powders and liquids, Dan did his best to keep up with her conversation. Discussing his previous uni experiences and home life really helped to keep his mind off his jittering nerves--which perhaps was the point. Pretty much everyone he had met on set so far was fantastically kind and welcoming. He only wished his fellow actors would be the same.

Idly, he wondered why he hadn’t met any of them yet. Well, they were probably in their trailers or still on their way here. He had arrived pretty early.

_ Oh god. Does that make me look too eager? _

_ Shut up, you’re the star. They’re probably ecstatic to have someone come on time for once. _

Far too soon Louise was pushing back his fringe and asking him to close his eyes so she could spray something she called “makeup glue” on his face. Once Dan’s eyes finally stopped burning, he blinked them open and took his first look at his new visage--and nearly fell out of his seat.

This wasn’t  _ him. _ He looked plastic, like a mere waxwork of himself. His hair was even worse. Honestly, it could take the place of a space helmet. He lifted a hand to observe the stickiness for himself, but Louise slapped it away before it could get anywhere close.

“First rule of hair and makeup: don’t touch the artist’s work. I’d prefer to have as few touch-ups as possible, thanks.” Her tone was brusque but smiling.

“S--sorry.”

Louise just waved him off as an assistant took him by the arm, dragging Dan over to a rack of just two metallic jackets. Luckily, Phil had assured him that his black jeans were to be a normal part of his costume, so he only had to zip up the blue jacket marked with his name on the tag.

Just like that, he was ready to film. Phil suddenly materialised behind him, his strong hands immediately draining the tension from Dan’s shoulders, Totoro rubbing affectionately against his leg and injecting him with a liquid warmth that Dan had sorely missed these last few months.

“You ready? Don’t worry about being unprepared, we’ll walk you through it. I’m sure Vanessa will be happy to help, too.” The ice suddenly returned to Dan’s stomach.

Out of the massive influx of new people he had and would be meeting today, Vanessa Li brought him the sharpest anxiety. With legs that went on for miles, a perfectly athletic physique, and brown eyes that jumped from a diamond-like glow to a menacing glare in less than a second, there was no denying her status as Hollywood’s latest darling. Whispers trailed her like shadows lost in her silky black hair, and reports said she had turned down six other films before oddly settling on this sci-fi adventure directed by a twenty three year old musician.

Come to think of it, where  _ was _ Vanessa? Surely Dan was supposed to meet her at least more than a few minutes before filming was to start.

He flipped his script open to the sticky note he had marked the night before, but one glance at the brightly highlighted lines told him he didn’t even need it.

Hell, he had even blocked out the scene in his uni room whilst packing it up the day before. He’s  _ got _ this.

And that was when everybody’s heads simultaneously snapped towards the entrance.

It was like the bang of the door had suddenly hit everyone with a Stunning spell. Jaws dropped, pens clattered to the floor, and every eye was fixed on the towering Asian beauty marching Dan’s way.

As she approached, Louise fluttered over with a powder-caked sponge, but Vanessa just waved her off. One look at her plasticised face told you it was completely unnecessary.

“So. You must be Dan,” she stated in a businesslike American accent, sticking out her hand.

All Dan could do was nod. He hoped his hand wasn’t too sweaty as Vanessa pumped it with the vigor of a CEO.

“Well, I’ve certainly heard my fair share about you.”  _ What could that mean? _ “You know, just because this is your first movie doesn’t mean you’re allowed to play the innocent card.” Her voice suddenly drops to an undertone.

“And just because you got here by fucking the director, who just happens to be a big shiny music star, doesn’t mean you’re allowed to be any less professional than the rest of us. I expect my costars to keep up with me at all times. That includes you, newbie.” She clapped a hand on Dan’s shoulder as she gently shoved him to the side to get to the costume rack before him, zipping up her stunning red jacket with ease.

All at once, cameras began rolling over, lights and mics squeezed into position, and Phil hopped into his director’s chair with a big grin aimed right at Dan. Totoro even gave him a floppy-tongued doggy grin of his own.

Dan did his best to smile back, although it was definitely a shaky one.

Pulling in a deep breath, he wiggled his arms out before him and closed his eyes to allow Alex to take over his entire being. For as long as the cameras were rolling, he was no longer Dan, but the defiantly rash and often socially inept universe guardian who sort of just wanted to find his way out of this strange bit of space where he had somehow woken up.

Vanessa (or Sage) dashed over to the walls of black metal meant to represent the airlock, a cocky grin pushing her already high cheekbones nearly into her eyes, and nodded her okay to Phil. Dan figured he’d do the same, feeling slightly foolish for not realising it sooner.

Phil, ever the professional already, nodded to the many members of the film crew, pulled the black clapperboard from the pocket on the back of his seat, and flashed it to the nearest camera before giving Dan his sunniest grin.

And just like that, they were off. Somewhere in his mind, it registered that he was actually  _ shooting _ a real live film, that this was actually happening, but the vast majority of his brain was focused on exploring the airlock and hopefully making his way back home to Earth.

That is, until Vanessa screamed “Cut!” after his second line.

“No. Dan. Okay, this isn’t going to work. You have to be closer. Come on, I don’t bite!” The sugary sweet smile she added at the end did nothing to assuage the sharpness of her earlier tone.

Dan turned to Phil with wide eyes.  _ You’re just going to let her do this? Aren’t you the director? _

But Phil just shrugged, his expression faltering slightly but not enough to give Dan a word in edgewise.  _ Well, she  _ is _ the experienced one here. _

Dan threw up his hands, the hard slap on his jeans turning everyone’s heads towards him. From the corner of his eye, he spotted the tiniest smirk on Vanessa’s face just before she covered it up with an authoritative glare. So this was how she was going to play things.

Well, Dan wouldn’t be falling for her stupid games. He wasn’t about to become the douchebag everyone surely expected him to be. No, he was too good for that.

All those years of taking the high road in school really seemed to come in handy now. Swallowing his fury, Dan stepped closer to Vanessa, so close he could smell her flowery perfume. Both actors nodded to the camera, then to Phil, and they were rolling again.

But it was the same time after time. No matter how much Dan tried, how much of Alex he attempted to soak in, Vanessa always had a scathing remark ready to whip out at a moment’s notice. A scene that should only have taken forty minutes, maybe an hour at most, ended up lasting four hours.

As the day wore on and on, Dan could swear the cameras were pressing in on him, sucking out any bit of talent he still had. Each time Vanessa called for a cut, though, they remained right at attention across from the two makeshift walls. Was it too much to ask for some water? Or maybe just a minute with Totoro or Phil? Better yet, both?

Somehow, Dan got through the day without punching a hole in the set, or Vanessa’s face, an achievement that brought him a touch of pride. It dissipated the moment everyone began packing up, though, as he couldn’t possibly run out of that studio fast enough.

Unzipping his jacket and placing it back on the hanger with trembling hands, Dan strode the hell out of there, not even pausing to chat with Phil. He couldn’t deal with his disappointment.

Halfway to the door, though, Vanessa jogged up and threw her hand on the wall in front of him. “Hey, Dan. Can I talk to you for a second?”

Her brown eyes were all sparkle, her bow lips upturned in the sweetest of grins. It was a far cry from her previous rigidity. Upon closer glance, Dan decided it was a nice look on her. That didn’t assuage his wariness, though. He nodded slowly.

“So I know I was a bit harsh on you today and I just wanted you to know that I’m really sorry. I just wanted to push you to be a better actor, and I think we definitely saw that by the end of today. I really am proud of you, you know.” She ran a hand along Dan’s bare arm, calling each and every hair to attention.

“I was also thinking, maybe if you’re free tonight, we could run some more scenes? Or even just hang out, shoot the breeze a bit. Our characters are together a  _ lot _ , so I think it would really help for us to get to know each other a little, you know?” she purred, leaning in even closer so that Dan could count each strand of her long black waves.

He blinked rapidly.

No.  _ No, snap out of it, Dan. She’s insane. She just wants to break you. _

He opened his mouth but before he could even say a word, Vanessa was suddenly running a single finger down his arm, once again triggering goosebumps, but for a completely different reason this time.

“Just think about it okay?” And she slunk off, Dan turning to the wall and sliding down with his head in his hands.

How the  _ hell _ was he going to survive the rest of this shoot?


	10. Chapter 10

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Following his horrendous first day of filming, Dan enjoys some much-needed love from Phil. But what happens when chemistry with another cast member gets to be more than Dan expects?
> 
> Warnings for smut (but nothing explicit) and swearing

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So, some general admin: As I'm sure you've noticed, I changed the title of this fic from "One for the Books" to "Luminescence". As you'll discover later, I feel like this better encompasses the story, and is just a snappier and more engaging title overall--I came up with One for the Books when Chapter 1 was just a oneshot and even then, I hated it. I'm sooo much happier with this title though, and I now have the motivation to continue working on this story and hopefully finish it later this summer!
> 
> I'd also like to extend my deepest sympathies to the victims of the recent Manchester and London attacks, as well as anyone who now feels afraid for their safety in the wake of these horrible acts. While I may be far away from England myself, my heart goes out to anyone affected and their loved ones. In the wake of this, let's work together to spread peace and love, rather than hate. <3 (And speaking of love, happy Pride Month to my fellow members of the LGBTQIA+ community!)
> 
> Without further ado, I hope you enjoy!!

Crawling into his hotel bed that evening, Dan felt suddenly desperate to check his phone, having been torn away from the internet all day. What had he missed? Probably everything, knowing his luck.

Immediately upon opening Twitter, though, he wanted to throw the phone across the room. All anyone could talk about was Phil’s abrupt switch to filmmaking, and more specifically, his decision to cast Dan in the lead role.

_Wasn’t this old news, though?_

Apparently not, as some “insider” had confirmed the start of filming that day, and now _everyone_ wanted pictures of Dan and Vanessa on set. Dan had gained over 10,000 followers in just 12 hours. Was he crazy, or were those grey walls drawing ever closer, ready to crush him just like the countless gossip blogs that were undoubtedly discussing him?

Just then, a knock sounded at his door. _Really? Right now?_ It was probably Vanessa, ready to lay her slender hands all over him whilst simultaneously reminding him what a horrible actor he was.

But upon opening the door, he found a concerned Phil standing in the hallway, his normally perfect fringe a rustled mess and a slightly anxious glint in his eyes.

“Hey, can I come in? I wanted to apologize for Vanessa today.”

Dan just stepped aside, his face impassive. Phil was the one who had approved her casting. Surely he would have thought to at least warn Dan ahead of time?

“I know you’re probably pissed and you’re right, I should’ve said something about her. Her manager said she can be a bit of a bitch to work with but she’s also incredible at what she does and I don’t know if I could’ve found anyone better. Do you think you can put up with her, at least until filming and press is done? I can say something, maybe see if she can lighten up a bit with you.”

“No, no, I can take it. I should’ve expected to come across someone like her, they’re pretty much a dime a dozen at stage schools,” Dan sighed. The hairs on his arm stood up where Vanessa had slithered her finger along them.

Should he tell Phil? No, he didn’t need any more trouble. He could just tell her off himself anyway...right?

Phil looked quite relieved at his words, settling down on the king-sized bed. He opened his mouth to speak, then, glancing down at Dan’s phone, shut it again with a frown.

“Oh, _Dan_ ,” he finally said after a few moments. “You can’t read this stuff. Don’t you know it’s all rubbish lies? They’re writing about _your_ life, for god’s sake. You of all people should know none of it is true!”

Phil’s patronising tone left a bitter taste in Dan’s mouth but he couldn’t really be mad at him, not when those blue eyes held the gentlest of pleas.

“Yeah I know, but it’s influencing how people think of me. What if no one wants to see the film because they don’t think I deserve the part? What if that’s what all the reviews say?”

“Oh Dan, come _here._ ” Phil patted the space in front of him and Dan hopped up, still wearing a slight frown. He wasn’t some fragile doll who needed constant mending. He could handle himself just fine, thank you very much.

Still...the moment Phil’s hand touched his back and rubbed soft, slow circles into it, he felt himself melting against his better judgement. Oh, how he had _missed_ those hands the last few weeks of term. And that bed...Dan could just sink right into the squishy mattress, its comfort nearly rivaling that of the man sat behind him.

“Who cares what those stupid critics think? Anyway, you’re working with me on this thing. I won’t let anyone even consider that for a second. You _are_ a fantastic actor, Dan.” Phil’s hands now kneaded into Dan’s shoulders, wiping away tension with each squeeze. Dan finally leaned backwards into Phil’s sturdy form.

How had he ever let himself forget this feeling? Phil’s chest rose and fell in soothing motions while his arms came to encircle Dan’s own chest, fingers sliding up and down the cotton of his T shirt. Dan breathed him in, a little bit sweet, a little bit earthy--maybe he had tended to his garden before filming today? He had mentioned it was his favourite part of his London house.

“Hey--you remember that time I sang with Matt Bellamy a few years ago at the BRITs?” Phil’s chin had nestled itself into Dan’s shoulder now, so that Dan only had to glance a little to the left to be met with those gorgeous blue-green eyes.

How could he forget? He had about busted a nut when news of the impending performance first hit, and then again when he finally got to glimpse his two favourite people sharing a stage together, side by side.

Phil had sounded the tiniest bit off (something only someone with Dan’s perfect pitch would be able to pick up), but Dan figured he was just having a bad day, or maybe it was the sound, or perhaps even the speakers on his family’s outdated TV.

He just nodded, choosing not to unleash his inner fanboy constantly lurking beneath the surface.

“Well, you remember how that next day, that reviewer wrote some really nasty stuff about me?”

Dan nodded again, then bit his lip. He had a feeling he knew where this was going.

“I felt absolutely _horrible_ after that. Couldn’t sleep, could barely even eat for days. I thought my career was over when it had barely begun. But Matt was so nice about it.

“‘Chin up there, mate,’ he said.” Phil’s northern accent grew stronger in imitation of their favourite frontman. “‘What’s one person’s opinion really matter anyway, no matter how important they seem? You’ve had some amazing success so far and I have no doubt it will continue. You really are a talent, Phil Lester, and I’d hate to see you throw it away over one shitty critic.’” Phil’s smile deepened, likely still savouring the high praise from his idol. Dan couldn’t blame him. He’d probably die right there on the spot.

He turned to face Phil, whose eyes twinkled with serenity--and a hint of something wild. Now playing with Dan’s long fingers, he simply shrugged as if to say, _Well, things seemed to turn out alright for me, didn’t they?_

Dan, picturing the BRITs and Teen Awards and even one of the Grammys that sat proudly on Phil’s Manchester mantelpiece--with even more here in London and in LA--had to agree with that.

Suddenly, his hands were dying to touch every inch of that beautiful, pearlescent skin. And judging by the way Phil was now twisting his fingers around the hem of Dan’s black T shirt, he had the same idea.

And then his arms lifted above his head and in an instant, there was nothing but the cool air conditioning hitting his chest--until Phil’s lips were suddenly traveling there from his chin and neck, leaving trails of fire that rendered Dan powerless, shivers traveling down his spine that had absolutely nothing to do with the freezing air con.

In a flash, he did the same to Phil, Dan finally tasting the nectar-like quality of Phil’s skin that he had so missed these last few weeks.

Their lips fell together then, clumsy but delicious all at once, and _this._ This was Phil.

Not Phil Lester, the 5-time Grammy winner-turned-director who had charmed the entire world, but _Phil_. The man who knew even the stupidest things about Dan, who somehow knew exactly how to drive him crazy with the tiniest smirk and a twinkle of his starburst eyes.

And dear _god_ was he glorious. With Dan’s hands tangled in that ebony fringe, tantalising beads of sweat springing up at Phil’s hairline (Dan didn’t even want to think about what a curly rat’s nest his was by now), both boys kicked off jeans and then boxers--Phil first, then Dan, a familiar routine for them now--and Dan felt certain this night was about to be far better than his afternoon.

 

\--

The next day came far too soon, Dan blinking awake to find an already-dressed Phil pacing the large room and speaking into a headset. A deliciously warm, sweet scent wafted up from a white wooden tray covered with a metal dish sitting at the foot of the bed.

“Yeah, I’ll let him know. Thanks, Vanessa. Have a nice day off!”

Dan glanced over at Phil, a slight frown curling his lips, still puffy from sleep--and their previous... _heated_ activities. What did Vanessa possibly have to say about him this early in the morning? But Phil was smiling.

“Good news!” he said. “Vanessa decided she doesn’t need to redo yesterday’s scene, so we’re moving on as planned. Today is the first day you’re coming face-to-face with Astro, just before your first fight--that’s Charlie Andrews. No relation to Julie, unfortunately, but I think you two will get on really well. He’s a cool guy, although I’m sure I’ve told you already.”

He had. Right after that conversation, Dan had headed straight for Google, where he found that Charlie had been in a few low-budget indie films, but this was to be his first big blockbuster--and he had quite the Twitter feed. His hilariously relatable tweets gave Dan the impression he was already friends with him.

A tickle down Dan’s spine told him this day was about to be a lot better than the previous one. And with that rare glimmer of optimism, he dug into Phil’s generous room service order, suddenly ravenous.

 

\--

Maybe it was his familiarity with the set and the crew, maybe it was the feeling of finally acting alongside an equal, perhaps it was even waking up with Phil, but either way, Dan felt leagues more confident than he had yesterday--and it most certainly showed in everyone’s wide smiles.

“Good work today, Dan. You really are a natural--it’s such a pleasure to play off of you, even if I have to be a bit of a dick. I don’t think any of us could ask for a better Alex, honestly,” Charlie said in a delicious northern accent once filming had finally ceased and everyone broke for lunch. He pressed a hand to Dan’s shoulder as Phil nodded heartily behind him and Dan glowed.

“Oh, hey,” Charlie added, moving his hand off Dan and leaning it against the wall. “Are you up for taking a little stroll around the lot before lunch? I always try to get to know my castmates, you know, make the filming process a bit easier for the lot of us, and you seem like the coolest one here. Whaddaya say, Dan?”

Dan glanced over at Phil but he seemed to be deep in conversation with Stephanie and PJ, all three of them closely studying a nearby monitor. Phil wouldn’t mind if he was a bit late for lunch, right? He’d _want_ him to make friends with his fellow actors.

“Sure, why not?” he shrugged and just like that, they were off.

Not normally one for exercise (and definitely not the outdoors), Dan found his spirits brightening despite himself. With the sun warming his face and a floral scent tickling his nose from the landscaping of a nearby rom-com set, Dan felt himself thoroughly appreciating Charlie’s boisterous tales of his rise to not-so-stardom.

Apparently he was so in love with _Harry Potter_ that he begged his parents to let him audition for the title role, even going so far as to dye his sandy brown hair a deep black, “Kind of like Phil’s. And yes,I know he dyes it--that kinda shine ain’t natural, mate.”

Unfortunately, his round boyish face and dazzling blue eyes just weren’t what the directors were looking for. Somehow undeterred, though, a young Charlie soon fell in love with the film world, auditioning for everything he could on weekends when most boys his age would be running wild in organised football games.

He finally booked a few adverts (“Remember that confused.com one from a few years ago with the guy grinning like a maniac? Yep, that was me”), a very small Viking part in the comedy _Braveheart_ , and then making a name for himself in some tiny indie films over the last couple of years, having the time of his life in every one of them--

“And now here I somehow am! I can’t believe Phil Lester actually found me, but there you have it--I’m twenty two and finally getting my big break. Or hopefully, anyway. There’s seriously so many people around here though, I don’t know how you lot manage.” He swerved around a haggard crew member, scribbling notes on a clipboard whilst nodding and humming into a headset, almost as if to prove his point.

“Right then. Anyway, I’m sure you don’t care about any of that.” Charlie couldn’t possibly be further from the truth. “Tell me about you! What’s the Dan Howell story? I mean, I know you kissed Phil onstage last October and I’ve been seeing rumours that you’re a couple, but other than that I’ve got nothing.”

Dan did his best to condense the past twenty years into bite-size chunks.

He had been fascinated by performing pretty much all his life but his parents did little to nurture his dreams, choosing to send him to Sunday stage school and encouraging him to audition for school and community plays, even though his real dreams were of the big screen. Still, he had some fun there, even making some pretty great friends along the way--and a pretty terrible girlfriend. (“I mean really, who strings you along for two years before running off to your sidekick? In the show, I mean.”)

He even recounted his recent self-doubt and the horrible mistake he made in studying law for a year and how his parents had highly encouraged it, ecstatic to have a future successful lawyer among them.

“Well it can’t all have been bad, can it? I mean, it got you to that Manchester show where you met Phil,” Charlie offered.

Dan shrugged and nodded, just narrowly missing a cactus in some desert set. Then something compelled him to add,

“I’m still not really sure my parents know what a big deal this is. I mean, they don’t even know I’m dating Phil--which, yes I am, but please don’t spread that around.” Charlie nodded in total understanding, his face indignant rather than intrigued, like Dan expected.

“How can they not think it’s a big deal? They’re your _parents,_ for fuck’s sake!”

“Not really. More like children if you ask me. My little brother’s having a right time with them now--apparently I didn’t break them in enough for him.”

Charlie’s expression was strange--a mixture of outrage and understanding. For the first time in Dan’s life he felt like somebody _got it._ Even Phil, who of course meant well, far too often showed Dan pity and tried to fix the situation. Some things were just too messy for one all-encompassing solution, though. Charlie, bless him, seemed to actually understand that.

“Well that sucks, mate. I won’t try to offer any advice since I’m pretty shit at it but I’m always here if you need someone to vent to, alright?” He touched a hand to Dan’s shoulder just as he had on set, but this time, something electric coursed from his left arm all the way through his body.

Charlie’s hand lingered an extra couple of seconds. Had he felt it too?

“Well, here we are again. Fancy a spot of lunch?”

Sure enough, they had made their way back to Studio 18 with Dan barely noticing. He shrugged and they headed inside. Charlie hurried up beside Dan to hip-bump him with a playful smile, sending another shower of sparks throughout Dan’s body. His entire left side stiffened.

Oh come on. This was stupid. Charlie was just being _friendly_ \--that’s just who he was.

Still, a chilly whisper in the back of his mind warned him this wasn’t something to mention to Phil when he undoubtedly asked about the walk.

They were just friendly sparks, though. Absolutely nothing to worry about.

Right?


	11. Chapter 11

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Dan and Phil's relationship hits a snag, leaving Dan lonely and even more twisted up about just where he stands. Can a night out with Charlie help clear his mind, or will a drunken Charlie become more trouble than he's worth?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm literally the worst. I promised this chapter a week ago but didn't actually finish it until 3 days ago thanks to all the work I've been doing in starting a new job and transferring colleges. As I don't have a set schedule yet since I'm still in training, I'm not sure exactly when Chapter 12 will be up but I'm gonna make sure it's not any longer than 2 weeks. To make up for the wait, though, I'm giving you a 4k chapter with quite a bit of action--and a surprise you're never going to expect. (hehehe)
> 
> Warning for mentions of alcohol/drunkenness
> 
> I hope you enjoy!! And happy Pride Day to anyone in any cities that have their pride parade today! (Chicago what uppp!!)

Much to Dan’s delight, after the initial jolt of the first few days, he actually found filming to be pretty alright.

Amidst all the human interaction and chaos, there was a strange sort of routine to it all: wake up, review the day’s scene(s), trek over to the hair and makeup trailer with a coffee strong enough to wake the dead and a small but hearty breakfast, stumble into the studios to do the actual filming (often with many long pauses while the crew worked things out on their end), potentially hang around and wait for Phil and spend the rest of the night with him, or more likely, head back to his room--sometimes alone, sometimes with some of his costars. all of whom were about as great as Charlie.

One of the great things about pretty much the entire film being set in space was that almost all the filming was done inside during the day on their own private soundstages. 

It occurred to Dan that perhaps that was exactly why Phil went with this concept.

Phil, however, had recently become a sore subject for him. Sure, they had their fair share of laughs and bants on set but once the cameras switched off, he’d be deep in conversation with PJ, sometimes never even noticing Dan leaving.

His texts were far less frequent too, and much more hurried. Constant promises of “We’ll make time” and laments of directing being far more than he had bargained for were really beginning to grate on Dan. A scowl now crossed his face every time PJ popped in his mind--a shame, really, as PJ had offered nothing but kindness and warmth throughout these last few weeks.

Really, Dan thought, shouldn’t he be lucky? Here he was, twenty years old, starring in a major motion picture and dating a world-famous musician. People would kill for his life--kill  _ him _ , in fact (those death threats on Twitter hadn’t gone unnoticed). 

So how come his chest tightened every time he set foot in his empty hotel room?

It squeezed even harder whenever he thought of Phil--which was pretty much any second Dan didn’t spend with his costars or crew. How many nights (hell, days too) had he dreamed of this? Over the years, it became his go-to when he couldn’t sleep. He’d just imagine spilling all his problems to Phil, on a tour bus, backstage, or in one of his houses, with Phil stroking his hair and offering to help in any way he could.

Now, though...was he maybe suffering from too much of a good thing? Just the other night, they had lain tangled up in Dan’s bed when they somehow ended up on the topic of Dan’s parents.

“I don’t know if they realise how big this is. I mean, they keep asking me if I want to try another uni course so I have ‘something to fall back on’. They probably don’t think I can make it as an actor--which is total bull, by the way.”

Phil sat straight up then, disentangling their legs and reaching for his phone on the bedside table.

“That’s ridiculous, Dan! Of course you’re gonna make it, you’ll be fielding offers left, right, and center when this hits cinemas! You know what, why don’t I call them, let them know just how important this really is.”

“No! No, don’t, it’s fine.” Dan nearly knocked Phil’s phone out of his hand, earning him a hurt look. “I’m sorry, babe, it’s just...I don’t know if I really want to  _ do _ anything about this, you know? I kinda just wanted to get it off my chest.”

Not to mention his parents would probably flip to hear Phil’s world-famous voice on the phone.

“Really?” Phil’s eyebrows knotted in the center of his forehead. “I thought you telling me was your way of asking for help. It’s going to be really hard for things to get any better if you don’t do anything about it, you know.” Phil sounded exactly like Dan’s grandma. Where did he get off telling Dan how to live his life? 

Just because he happened to be four years older and never stopped going for the things he wanted…

“Yeah, I know,” Dan sighed, scooting to the edge of the bed. “I just kinda wanna look at it on my own terms, I guess, but it helps to just tell someone, even if I’m not expecting anyone to do anything. Does that make sense?”

Phil just stared at Dan as if he were a stranger.

“You know what, forget it. How has Totoro been recently? I’m sorry I haven’t come to see you guys more often. I’ve kinda just been coming back here to crash when the other actors aren’t dragging me somewhere. Directing isn’t the only hard work, you know,” Dan added lightly.

They weren’t really dragging him, though. Especially not recently. Dan had started to really enjoy their nights out, finally letting loose and setting his problemes free for the night--not that he would ever tell Phil. He’d probably get weirdly jealous or something.

“Toto’s fine,” Phil replied, his words clipped. “Actually, I just remembered, I need some time to go over your big self-sacrifice scene before Friday, see if there’s anything I want to change.” 

He was already at the door before Dan had a chance to grab his sleeve or a pant leg, even a strand of black fringe. Anything to get him to stay just one more minute.

“Call me if you need anything. Or, you know what, don’t, since you don’t really need my help.”

And Phil was gone, his words rattling in Dan’s mind and peppering his dreams that night.

Sure, he had apologised the next day, knowing there was no excuse for his rudeness and he’d completely understand if Dan wanted nothing to do with him (he still welcomed Phil with open arms, of course), but something had been gnawing on Dan ever since that night. Lying in the near-perfect darkness, wearing only a thin pair of boxers under his bedsheets, the issue had no choice but to be thrust into the spotlight.

Dan knew celebrities always presented idealised versions of themselves to the public. The Phil he had met last fall was far from the (relatively) squeaky clean Phil Lester beaming at him from the magazine stands. Of course he’d have flaws like every human being.

Now that Dan had a front row seat to those flaws, though...it was like buying a ticket for  _ Avatar _ and discovering the cinema was showing  _ Twilight _ instead.

Had Dan built Phil up to be something he isn’t? What had happened to their glorious winter nights wrapped in each other’s arms completely unnecessarily because Phil’s house was always the perfect temperature? Talking until Dan could barely keep his eyes open, kissing and laughing until Dan was sure his chest would burst from pure delight. Dan ached for those times more than he believed was possible.

Maybe these were just growing pains. They saw each other every day now, of course they’d grow sick of each other eventually...right?

Maybe...maybe it was because Dan no longer needed Phil as his saviour, now that he was free of his uni constraints and finally becoming the person he always wanted to be. Maybe Phil didn’t quite understand how to treat Dan like an equal.

He’d better learn fast though, because Dan wasn’t going to be patronised any longer.

 

\--

“Holy--wow, Dan, that was actually really good. What’s gotten into you today?” Vanessa’s echoing voice was the only noise in the entire soundstage, her dark brown eyes scrutinising Dan like he was finally entering her playing field.

A few weeks ago, this comment would have made him jump for joy. Now, though, he just felt a strange sort of disconnect from the entire situation. He muttered his thanks, although there was only one person he really wanted to impress.

Dan glanced over to Phil on his left, who caught his eye and shot Dan a glowing smile and a huge thumbs up but turned right back to his animated discussion with PJ and Stephanie. Dan shifted his weight from foot to foot, an unsettling sensation creeping in his stomach.

Of course Dan had had few qualms about this scene. His old drama teachers had always sung his praises for any of his major emotional moments--it was the subtler parts, with the more nuanced feelings, that he often struggled with.

Still...was it too much to ask for a greater acknowledgement from Phil?

“Alright guys, great work today,” Phil said. He scanned over everyone in the crowded area, finally resting on Dan with a look of fierce pride--but there was something closed off about the way he appraised him. Like Vanessa, he was staring at Dan as if seeing him for the first time.

“Let’s all give a big hand for our incredibly talented cast and crew!” Phil added.

Dan slowly brought his hands together. Was it arrogant of him to expect a personal shoutout? 

But Phil just continued, “Enjoy the rest of the night, you lot--you’ve earned it.”

Chatter broke out amongst the huge group then, as Charlie eased himself off the dark mat that Dan had pushed him onto earlier. He headed straight for Dan, but Dan had a different idea, walking the short distance over to Phil instead.

Finally tearing his eyes away from the many Dans on monitors in front of him, Phil turned to the real one, radiating joy. He didn’t make room in his throng of crew members to let Dan in, though, leaving him feeling like an intruder.

“Dan, you were  _ fantastic _ today! This was your best scene by far, I’m so proud of you!” He offered Dan a one-armed hug, the other still clutching his script.

Upon hearing this, the rest of the crew stood around Phil--including PJ and Stephanie--offered their sincere congratulations. Dan took it, a light flush rising up his neck.

“Listen,” Phil added in an undertone as the rest of the crew continued their conversation on sound and lighting, “I’ve gotta meet with Ben and Jack and some of the other camera people tonight just because tomorrow’s scene is gonna be a bit, well...tough to film.”

He was right, of course. Their next scene involved Dan and Charlie tumbling out of the spaceship during their fight, Vanessa floating timidly in the distance. Dan’s stomach churned just thinking about it.

“It’s probably gonna take a while so don’t wait up for me, alright? Go and have some fun tonight, you deserve it.” With a short squeeze of Dan’s shoulder, he turned around, instantly engulfed in the intense lighting discussion.

Dan should have expected it, in all honesty. That still didn’t stop his heart from shattering just a little.

Charlie chose that moment to bound over, rubbing his hands together like some sports coach about to hype up his team.

“Hey Dan, you did an  _ incredible _ job today. Like...damn, give it a few years and the BAFTAs will be all over you. I’m serious!” he insisted, catching Dan’s small head shake and leading the way off the dark soundstage and out of the far brighter studio. “A scene that exhausting deserves a celebration. Underground tonight? You in? I can even drive us there if you want.”

Dan considered this for a moment. It was nearly 11 PM on a Friday night, meaning that the hottest gay bar in town would probably be packed. Still...maybe it wouldn’t hurt Dan to let his guard down a bit, let the massive crowd draw him away from his issues.

“Sure, why not?” he found himself saying. A high five from Charlie and a quick change of costume later, they pushed their way through heavy white doors and into the cool night breeze.

A hint of rain lingered in the air, catching Dan by surprise. Of course he’d been completely oblivious to the weather after being stuck on that tiny soundstage all day and night, but that didn’t make it any less jarring.

“Guess it rained today, huh?” Charlie remarked in his usual cheery tone, leading the way to his silver Jaguar.

Dan just muttered a soft “Yeah,” but was otherwise silent. He felt hyper-conscious of the space next to him--a space that should be reserved for Phil.

As they slid into the hot black interior, Charlie cranked the A/C all the way up, blasting the radio and never ceasing his stream of chatter. After about a minute, Dan chose to let go of his Phil-related ponderings and just focus on his new friend. 

He had earned this night, after all. Why not enjoy it?

Before Dan knew it, they had pulled into the lot of the now-familiar darkened club and ambled inside. Larry the bouncer greeted them at the door, slapping both on the back like old mates, opening Dan into a cacophony of flashing lights and far too skinny black jeans. The near-deafening bass pounding from the DJ’s speakers meant that Charlie and Dan had to speak directly in each other’s ears to be heard.

On the plus side, it pretty much drowned out Dan’s constant overthinking, Phil finally drifting out of his mind.

They plopped down at the bar then, Charlie taking a vulture-esque look around and Dan just ordering drinks. The floor shook with dancers packed in every which way. Scattered cheers floated up when the DJ transitioned from crowd favourite to crowd favourite, his dreadlocks swaying with the beat.

“You think any of those guys would recognise me from  _ Worlds Away _ ?” Charlie asked after a while in a would-be casual tone.

“When the only news is the casting? Sure, go nuts.” Dan forced a laugh to offset his derisive words. How come he was suddenly jumping down everyone’s throats?

“Yeah, you’re right,” Charlie sighed, turning back to the bar and swirling his straw around his mojito. “They’d probably recognise  _ you _ first. Hey, Dan! That’s an idea! You should try to pick someone up, just for a laugh, go on!”

Dan shook his head, perhaps a bit too quick, as Charlie further egged him on, his words growing ever more drawn out.

“Aw Danny, come on, pleaaaseee?” Then a dim light flickered behind Charlie’s eyes. “OH! Is it because of--” 

Dan made a rapid slashing motion at his throat, thankfully stopping Charlie’s carrying voice from blabbing Dan’s private life to what appeared to be London’s entire gay community. It was one thing for his closest actor friend to know--he was bound to find out anyway, thanks to the cast and crew’s incredibly close proximity--but Dan wasn’t quite ready for the world to find out just yet, despite the constant speculation.

It happened before Dan had a chance to register anything.

Rihanna’s voice dropped off from the speakers, giving the music a chance to build up, meaning that Charlie’s overloud words travelled much farther than either boy expected. A couple of the guys’ heads turned, their jaws dropping in recognition of the boys at the bar. The pulsing lights gave Dan sudden flashes of their twin smirks as they ambled over, just before Dan turned back around to his half-finished drink.

They slid into the empty seats on either side of Dan and Charlie. Both were long and lanky, much like Dan himself, easily with a few inches on Charlie. They were relatively attractive, too--or at least, the lad next to Dan was.

His chocolate brown skin and warm brown eyes sent off an aura of friendliness but despite his simple black T shirt hugging a flat stomach Dan could only dream of and fuzzy dark brown curls cut close to his head, Dan wasn’t interested. Why had he even allowed Charlie to drag him here anyway?

The guy beside Charlie was a different story entirely. His golden skin and hair, combined with the schmoozy look in his bright blue eyes and the barracuda smirk twisting up his pale pink lips, would have made a fifteen-year-old Dan immediately brush him off as a chav.

Now, though...well, he still brushed him off but he had to admit that label was a bit childish.

“Oh. My God. You’re Dan Howell and Charlie Andrews, aren’t you? From  _ Worlds Away _ ?” the curly haired boy asked. He looked to be in his early twenties, probably close to Charlie’s age. His slightly high-pitched voice squeaked with excitement, the sound grating on Dan just a bit.

Was this his life now? Getting recognised everywhere he went? Oh, god...

There weren’t  _ paparazzi _ here, were there?

“Guilty as charged,” Dan sighed, staring down at the black speckled bar and absently tapping his fingers along to the Pitbull blasting behind them.

“So how is it working with Phil Lester? Is he really all that good with the directing?” the floppy golden-haired guy beside Charlie asked, resting his hand on his chin and leaning in close enough for Dan to smell the vodka on his breath. “And what about Vanessa Li? I heard she can be a bit of a bitch to her fellow actors but only so they can get better--and damn, does it show. You know, I don’t think I’ve seen her in anything bad yet!”

Dan’s eyes remained fixed on the bar. What was he supposed to say to that? Truth be told, Vanessa was pretty horrible but eventually you got used to it. Dan wasn’t about to shit talk her to these guys, though--who knew who they may know?

Luckily, Charlie came to the rescue--or so Dan thought.

“Eh, she’s got her moments.” His tone had grown lazier and even more drawn-out, having just downed his sixth drink.

In an instant, Charlie threw a floppy arm around Dan, pulling him close. “But this guy just got a real compliment from her today! Quite well-deserved, too, he was incredible! Hey Dan, what was it she said?”

Dan’s stomach squirmed as he attempted to slide himself out of Charlie’s surprising iron grip, but just before he had a chance, he spotted a flash from the corner of his eye. It was almost undetectable behind the pulsing lights but as Dan leaned behind Charlie’s broad plaid-shirted shoulders, he caught sight of an unmistakable head of long, cascading black hair.

What the hell was  _ she _ doing here? Did she have some sixth sense that transported her wherever anyone mentioned her? She’d need some extra clones for that.

Before his brain had a chance to catch up with his body, Dan was off his stool and storming straight for Vanessa. What business did she have being here anyway? She’s a  _ girl _ \--and a straight one at that (as far as Dan knew, anyway).

Except...wait a second. Where the hell had that bitch slunk off to? Vanessa had apparently found a way to disappear completely amongst the rainbow spotlights. If Dan wasn’t so pissed, he might have been impressed.

Wide eyes trailed him everywhere he went, as he occasionally bumped into now-motionless guys but Dan didn’t care. He only had one person on his mind--and, god, if she had gotten away…

“Is that--”

“No way--”

“Bloody hell, it  _ is _ him! What the--”

Dan did his best to tune out the commotion but holy  _ shit _ was it hard. How did everyone here already know his name? Even the DJ had let Taylor Swift fade into silence before coming to his senses and switching over to Maroon 5 with a slight grimace.

Heart and ears pounding in equal measure, Dan ravaged his eyes over the tiny club but there was still no sign of that perfectly chiseled face. Surely he should’ve glimpsed those trademark gold hoops by now?

“Hey, have you seen a girl around here, by any chance?” Dan asked the nearest guy who didn’t gawk at him. “Pretty tall, long black hair, looks like--well, she  _ is _ Vanessa Li.”

Much to Dan’s relief, the guy only quirked his eyebrows up for a moment at Vanessa’s name, otherwise showing no sign of excitement. The boys around him, however, gasped and erupted into loud chatter. Again, Dan did his best to ignore them.

“She went out there, mate,” the guy said, pointing a long and slightly sunburnt arm to a concealed side door behind them. His freckled face was drawn, downturned eyes matching the periwinkle of his shirt and afro-like ginger curls bouncing as he spoke. “It was a few minutes ago, though, so good luck trying to find her. She your girlfriend or something?”

Dan shook his head very fast, striding over to the silver door and pushing it open.

“Vanessa?” he shouted into the cool twilit alley. “Vanessa, you out here? I need to see your phone!”

Dan’s hands were balled up tight, his jaw clenched, and his breath coming in short gasps. That picture would be all over Twitter by morning if Dan didn’t stop her in time. Hell, it would probably go viral within an hour.

What would Phil think of this? Dan  _ wasn’t _ a cheater. Not by any standards. Sure, maybe it was nice to have an actor friend who understood some things better than Phil did and naturally smoothed over any tensions with his lighthearted personality, but Dan’s heart well and truly belonged to Phil.

Even if they had been going through a bit of a rough patch lately. Rough glacier, really.

A low chuckle emanated from the red brick wall on Dan’s left, a shot of cold now piercing his stomach.

“Looking for your famous girlfriend, bi guy?” a slightly older man laughed, stepping forward from the shadows and nearly tripping over a dustbin. He threw a hand out to the brick wall to steady himself.

With his face now under the soft street lighting, Dan could see he had a mess of dark brown curls nearly obscuring his squinty eyes and flopping over his round, unshaven face that twisted into a sneer.

“Well, you’re too late,” he hiccuped. “She’s gone. Hopped into a big black car and sped away, din’ she? Looked pri’y excited about summat too. Told th’ driver to head to some...hotel, I think?”

Dan kicked the wall, the sudden impact serving only to give him a shooting pain in his foot. He headed back inside without so much as a thanks, ignoring the now overt stares and pointing fingers and furious typing on phones glowing throughout the club, marching directly to the bar and grabbing a protesting Charlie.

“Come on, we’re going. Phil needs us for something.”

“Phil? But I thought...he said...he had to do something with the camera people?”

“Did I say Phil? I meant PJ. Now come on, I need your keys.” Dan finally succeeded in driving Charlie away from the bar, throwing a halfhearted wave and apology to the two bewildered blokes still sitting on the gold cushioned stools.

“What does the producer want to do with us? Actually, you know what, fine, I’m too tired to drive anyway.” Charlie let out a massive yawn, digging into his pocket for his keys and dropping them into Dan’s hand as he pushed out the door yet again into the humid night. A strange sort of smile crossed Charlie’s face when their hands inevitably touched but Dan chose not to think about it.

He marched the short distance to Charlie’s silver car, one hand still gripping his friend’s grey and white plaid shirt, unlocking the doors and giving Charlie a light push into the passenger seat. He looked disgruntled but Dan chose yet again to ignore it, darting over to the driver’s side and starting the car with his heart in his throat.

They zoomed through the city, an enchanting web of lights laid out before them (Dan had a sudden desire to explore it hand in hand with Phil one night--maybe when they were on better terms). The car was silent, Dan’s knuckles white on the steering wheel, Charlie not even bothering to make any asinine conversation. Perhaps even in his drunken state, he noticed how Dan’s features remained locked for questioning.

It felt like forever but finally they arrived back at the luxe hotel, Dan greeting Toby the night guard with a short nod as he led a swaying Charlie to the lift, tossing back his keys, which Charlie proceeded to fumble and drop.

The doors swung open just as Charlie straightened up, both boys hopping inside on the soft floral carpeting. Dan pressed the “8” and “Penthouse” buttons, pleading to every deity he could think of that he wasn’t too late but knowing deep down that he almost definitely was.

“Hey, whatcha goin’ to the penthouse for?” Charlie asked as the lift carried them smoothly up to his and Dan’s floor.

“Got something to discuss with Vanessa. Wanted to see if she needed to change something about tonight’s scene.”

“What is there to change, you did perfect! She’s mental if she actually wants to reshoot that!” 

Before Charlie could protest any more, though, the gold and white doors slid open to a spacious yellow hallway lined with tall cream-coloured doors--and a haggard-looking PJ, his green eyes wild and his chestnut curls flopping every which way. He still wore his galaxy print T shirt and black jeans from earlier in the day but he looked like he had just run a mile.

“Dan!” he gasped, pulling him out of the lift before Dan even had a chance to think. Charlie’s head bobbed from one to the other like he was watching a tennis match. “Where have you been, how come you haven’t been answering?”

Dan pulled out his phone for the first time since leaving the studios that night, clicking it on but then finding it was dead.

“Well, I’ve been trying to get a hold of you all night--Phil has too, actually,” PJ bustled on, already leading the way to Dan’s room.

A bowling ball settled somewhere deep in Dan’s stomach.  _ No. _ That picture hadn’t already gone viral, had it?

“Get your things and come with me--might as well grab a charger too, while you’re at it.”

Dan finally opened his mouth. “Peej, what--what’s happened?”

“It’s Phil’s brother Martyn. He’s been in a car accident and is in hospital. Phil is there too. Dan, come on, I don’t have all night here!”


	12. Chapter 12

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> You might need your tissues for this one.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I apologize in advance for this chapter. I promise it'll get better soon though, just stick with me for a little bit!

Had the grey stripes on the wallpaper always been this wavy?

Dan’s heart pounded in his ears. Phil...in hospital?

Well, not  _ in  _ hospital.  _ At _ the hospital. But still. Martyn was his brother! It was his guitar that Phil had first learned on. It was Martyn who drove a freshly teenaged Phil to his first gigs, who acted as a roadie without question, and who had started his own company just for Phil’s merchandise.

How was Phil feeling?

Dan’s breath caught in his throat, jolting him back to the present moment. With shaking hands, he dug his room key out of his pocket. It took four tries but finally he opened the door into his messy room.

Dan ripped his charger from the wall, grabbed a water and a fruit cup from the mini fridge (this was almost definitely going to be a long night), and contemplated grabbing his script but then remembered his binding contract to keep it top secret. 

Well, they almost definitely wouldn’t be filming tomorrow so he didn’t really need it anyway.

Right?

A minor commotion outside told him PJ must have been forcing Charlie back to his room. Good. Dan didn’t want his drunken ass at the hospital anyway.

(He didn’t really want PJ there either, but he figured it wasn’t really his choice.)

Dan’s foot refused to stop jiggling throughout the whole short ride over. He and PJ barely said a word but PJ’s sharp breaths were enough to make Dan’s stomach turn over.

As they burst through the sliding A&E doors, Dan was immediately greeted with a pacing Phil, his face scrunched so tight Dan couldn’t decipher his emotions. His stomach dropped down to his toes.

“It’s fine, Peej, I already know where he--oh!” Phil muttered to the immaculate tiled floor, finally glancing up at Dan and jumping back as if he had seen a ghost.

No one said anything for a while. 

Dan had never seen such fire in Phil’s ice blue eyes before. Well, maybe at that one show he played right when news had broken of his split with pop star Jasmine Bloom. But those fan videos were so grainy that Dan felt almost sure he was making it up.

Finally Phil pulled out his phone, his hands shaking so much that he nearly dropped it. PJ looked from one boy to the other, perplexed, before Phil whipped around to shove his phone in Dan’s hand.

“Dan,” Phil said, his voice soft and trembling with barely suppressed rage. “Care to explain just what  _ this _ is?”

Dan’s heart stopped. Ice pooled in his stomach as he glanced down at the darkened photo onscreen.  _ The Guardian _ headed the top of the screen, with big black letters screaming Dan’s fate:

**Worlds Away** ** _Co-stars Dan Howell and Charlie Andrews Share a Cheeky Cuddle_** , it read. Dan wanted to throw up.

“Phil, come on! You of all people should know this is shit! Charlie was drunk and he just happened to put his arm around me, I swear it was nothing!”

“Was it, though?” Phil’s voice was eerily quiet. “You’ve been spending a  _ lot _ of time with him off set. I don’t like the way he looks at you, you know. He’s bad news, I can tell.”

What the hell was Phil talking about? Charlie was the nicest person Dan had met on this entire shoot! Sure he got a little drunk tonight, but doesn’t everyone at some point?

“You wanted me to go out with people, though! Didn’t you say it’s a good idea to ‘get to know my fellow actors’?”

Phil suddenly ratcheted up to a near-shout. “Yeah, but you’re spending all your time with one person who’s kinda skeeving me off. Did you know, he’s barely said two words to me that aren’t about the film? But he’s right chummy with you, apparently.”

“You wanna know the truth? He said you actually intimidate him a bit, that’s why he doesn’t talk to you! You’re always off doing director things, he can barely relate, says it’s easier to hang out with another actor since we just seem to get it.”

“You know why I intimidate him, right? He’s trying to get close to you but he thinks I’m getting in the way of that. I can see how he acts around you and I don’t really see you telling him off like you did Vanessa.”

_ Shit. _ He kind of had Dan there. “He’s just being friendly, though! Last I checked, there’s nothing wrong with me having a few friends here--or do I need your  _ approval _ first?”

Phil shot Dan a withering look, snatching back his phone that Dan had forgotten he was even holding. 

“You’re allowed to have friends, of course, what do you even take me for? But I think we both need some time to cool down and sort things out. We’ve both had a rough night--or at least, I have--and I’d really appreciate if you just gave me some space to think things through. Alright?”

Phil turned on his black-loafered heel and strode out of the waiting room, leaving Dan with an anxious PJ frozen in the corner, a boulder in his stomach, and his heart dragging somewhere down the hallway with Phil.

 

\--

What was  _ up _ with Dan recently?

Phil felt like he barely knew him anymore.

All those winter nights spent on the phone and sometimes on Skype, melting into longer and longer spring days spent cuddling and watching films whilst stroking a contented Totoro on Phil’s Manchester couch felt like they belonged to someone else’s life. Not Phil’s.

Had he been wrong to give Dan the opportunity of a lifetime? Yes, of course Dan’s newfound confidence filled Phil with a pride he couldn’t find anywhere else, but much like a young teenager, he seemed to be testing his limits, possibly even attempting to break free from Phil.

Phil wasn’t controlling him, though, was he? No, he had no qualms about Dan spending time with other people, doing the things he wanted to do--he  _ had _ encouraged it, as Dan had pointed out. Some of those people--well, one of them, really--just rubbed Phil the wrong way, and he couldn’t help but feel a bit worried for Dan.

Was it too harsh of him to call Charlie out, though? Maybe they were just friends, as Dan said, and Charlie didn’t feel anything for him--but he had dragged Dan out to a  _ gay bar _ tonight. Not to mention he constantly stood too close and giggled and smacked Dan’s arm at things that weren’t even funny.

Smacking Dan’s arm was Phil’s thing. And now he barely even had that anymore.

Phil hardly even noticed he was outside until the pitch darkness behind the hospital threatened to swallow him whole. He slid down the wall, using his phone for a light, and eventually felt the damp cushion of grass beneath his bum, his foot tapping out a slow rhythm.

A light flickered on in his mind and he clicked over to the voice recorder, inspiration humming in his veins for the first time in months. He wished he had his guitar, even a keyboard, just  _ something _ to fiddle around with and back up his currently pitiful voice, but he figured this would just have to do. It’s not like it would definitely be making it onto an album or anything.

 

_ You flashed into my life so bright _

_ I couldn’t tell what to do _

_ A light to burn all through the night _

_ My world was painted new _

 

_ A spark, a flash, a hint of pain _

_ Deep in your eyes, a bit of rain _

_ I wanted to wash it straight into the sea _

_ But I see, it’s clear you don’t need me _

 

_ Anymorrrreee _

 

_ Where was my sense _

_ I lost my head _

_ Just trying to keep you near _

_ Your every problem, all your strifes _

_ I just wanted them to disappear _

_ But I pulled the string too tight _

_ And now you’re not here _

 

_ You were my _

_ Luminescence _

_ And if I had my wish _

_ I’d give you just one more kiss _

_ And just maybe w _ e _ could reignite _

 

_ A flame burned bright through those winter nights _

_ But I was blinded by love, you obstructed my sight _

_ And now _

_ You’re no longer mine _

 

 

So, it wasn’t fantastic. Then again, neither were any of his Grammy-winning songs upon first composition.

But it was something, and Phil hadn’t written a single song in ages. Maybe he could actually make next year’s deadline that his label kept pushing on him…

 

\--

“Phil Lester?”

A large, dark-skinned, white-coated figure was approaching him just as Phil’s eyes had begun to droop shut. His face gave nothing away.

“Y--yes?” Phil scrambled to sit up, shaking his head and knowing he must look far from the sparkling man who once lit up newsstands around the world.

“Your brother’s gonna be just fine. He’s got a cracked rib and some spinal injuries that won’t allow him to walk for some time but it’s nothing that lots of rest and physical therapy can’t fix. He’s awake now, and seems to be responding pretty well. Would you like to head back and see him?”

“Yes, thank you.” Phil lifted himself from the green plastic seat, unfolding his lanky frame and stretching high enough that his fingers brushed the sloped ceiling. He waved goodbye to PJ (Dan had left before Phil had returned from his songwriting venture--it was for the better, really, as Phil didn’t think it possible for him to disentangle his thoughts enough to say two words to him), his bum tingling from sitting for so long and legs numb from lack of use.

He wasn’t sure what to expect upon entering the pristine white hospital room, but his heart lifted a bit at the sight of his brother, Martyn’s large hand caressed in both tiny palms of his redheaded girlfriend, her bare face shining with relief. She appeared to still be dressed in pyjamas, although you could barely tell. Her soft pink T shirt and white polka-dotted cotton shorts looked straight out of a Topshop display.

“Little bro! How’s that film going?” Martyn rasped. Cornelia pushed him back onto his pillows with surprising force for someone her size. 

As Phil stepped closer, he noticed cuts and scrapes lining his brother’s face like war wounds. An IV connected his left forearm to a blue bag hanging on a long metal pole. Phil’s stomach turned over.

Regardless of how often Martyn may have used him as a punching bag during their youth, Phil would never have wished this on him in any lifetime.

“It’s fine. Mostly going to plan, although Vanessa did push us behind schedule a bit at the beginning. We’re starting to catch up now, though--but how are  _ you _ ? What even happened tonight? All I got was a call that you were in hospital and something about a drunk driver, I’ve been worried sick all night.”

“Hey, don’t worry about me. I’m fine, see? Well, mostly,” Martyn grinned, wincing a bit. Cornelia fussed with his black diamond-printed blue hospital sheet, tucking it closer around him and smoothing it out with a shake of her head.

Phil felt a sudden pang as he was hit with the bittersweet memory of going through these exact motions with Dan. Was it too late to beg him to come back?

“He wanted to see you, actually.” Cornelia offered Phil a sad smile. “He saw that photo of Dan Howell with Charlie Andrews. Said he needed to check on you, didn’t like the look of that photo at all, but you weren’t answering your phone, so…” She shrugged. “I told him it could wait till the morning, don’t even try to maneuver that Friday night London traffic, but he just kept playing the sibling telepathy card. He was gone barely twenty minutes when I got the call.”

“Neely, come on, don’t look like that. I’m doing alright! And I wasn’t wrong, Phil, was I?” Martyn’s brown eyes bore straight into Phil’s, making Phil feel like he was under an x-ray. He had to look away after a few seconds.

“I, uh...not completely,” Phil admitted, a flush creeping up his neck despite the near-freezing air conditioning. “It’s fine, though. It gave me my first song inspiration in a long time, so that’s pretty great!” He plastered on a smile, but even he could tell it was too close to the fake pearly grins he had offered to countless cameras these last few years.

“Hon?” Martyn was looking at Cornelia now, a soft smile nearly concealing his banged-up features. “Could you maybe leave us alone for a few? Important Lester family discussion time.” 

He squeezed both her hands with his own, motioning her to lean forward for a second so he could press a kiss to her bouncy crimson curls before she shuffled out of the room in her fuzzy white slippers.

Phil squirmed in his much-too-small plastic chair.

“Philly, come on. Tell me the truth. That photo inspired a song? It’s not nothing. You know you can tell me anything.” Martyn looked wide awake now, searching Phil’s face for cracks in its foundation.

Phil glanced back to the door, which Cornelia seemed to have shut tightly behind her. Good. While he had always been an out and proud bisexual, he still didn’t want the details of his love life plastered all over the  _ Daily Mail _ . He couldn’t do that to Dan anyway. He sighed.

“Fine. Well, it’s not just that. It’s kind of been building for a few weeks now. Dan...he used to come to me with all his problems, and I guess I got a little too used to playing the hero. He’s grown a lot since starting this film, which is fantastic, of course, but sometimes it feels like he just doesn’t need me anymore and, well...I don’t know what to do. I can barely tell what he’s feeling anymore, thanks to how good of an actor he’s become. How can I give him his space but keep him close at the same time? How do you and Cornelia even do it, anyway? Relationships are so stupid, why do people even bother with them half the time?” Phil let out a monstrous sigh.

Martyn made a move like he was about to draw Phil into a hug, then winced and settled back into his pillows. “Awwww, little Philly’s in  _ loovee _ !”

Phil drew his bottom lip back behind his teeth. “Not so loud!” he hissed, face flaming and eyes darting around the room.

“Oh, relax, this is the most secure room in this place. It pays to have a famous little bro, you know.” Martyn grinned before turning serious again. “But honestly, Neely and I bicker every day. We just know that most things aren’t worth the trouble now, and we’re always looking out for the other’s best interests. It sounds like that’s what you’re trying to do with Dan but you guys have hit a little snag, is that right?”

Phil nodded.

“Well, that’s nothing to worry about!” Martyn’s sunny grin seemed out of place at 3 AM in this drab hospital room. “You just need to sit down and have a clear discussion about boundaries. Let him tell you what he wants from you. I’d bet anything he misses you too, you know. Unless he does totally hate you and wants nothing to do with you, in which case, I wouldn’t blame him.”

Phil almost shoved his brother, then remembered Martyn’s condition and laced his fingers together before he allowed himself the chance. “Yeah, I guess you’re right. I’ve been kind of an idiot about this. You really think just talking about it will help?”

“I’m sure of it. You can even sue me for false information if it doesn’t help. Actually, no, don’t do that. I’d rather not go broke before I’m forty. Now go get ‘em, tiger.” He gestured to the heavy door, and Phil’s mouth curled up for the first time since his assistant had interrupted the meeting with that fateful call. That felt like a million lifetimes ago to Phil now.

He didn’t lift himself from the hard chair yet, though. “You’re  _ sure _ you’re fine?”

“ _ Yes _ . You heard Dr. Snyder, I need my rest.” Martyn pressed a button on his IV cable, his eyes already drooping shut. “I expect a full recap no later than next Friday, alright?”

Phil just shook his head, finally extricating himself from his tiny chair and heading for the door, his stomach a tangled mess but feeling slightly better than he had all week. Turning back, he found an expression of utter peace smoothing out Martyn’s scratched-up face.

To this day, he had never yet let his brother down. He was going to talk to Dan.

Even if it took an army to get Dan to talk to him.

 

\--

What was Phil’s  _ deal _ ?

He barely let Dan free from his tether, then when Dan tried to set  _ himself _ free, he just up and disappeared, saying that he needed ‘space’? Since when did Phil need space? If anything, he was the clingy one in this situation.

Dan’s mouth betrayed him by twisting up into a soft smile.  _ Phil Lester _ , clinging to him? Dan never would have believed it possible.

Still, maybe Dan had been a bit harsh. Phil didn’t deserve Dan almost cutting him off entirely. He was only trying to help. The least Dan could do is set things straight with him.

Dan wasn’t that terrified uni student anymore, stuck in a life he didn’t want. He was--he put a hand to his mouth, barely believing the words entering his mind-- _ living his dream _ , all thanks to Phil. And this is how he treated him?

His phone jingled, almost deafened by the many blankets and giant duvet that covered it, but Dan felt the vibrations somewhere near his kidney. He scrambled up to a sitting position, still in yesterday’s clothes despite it now being 12:00 in the afternoon. 

Not for the first time today did he feel grateful for the unexpected day off of filming.

**Mum** , the screen read, displaying the smiling portrait of Dan’s mother he had stolen from her Facebook.

Seriously? What the hell did she want now? Dan was of age, she couldn’t tell him off for being photographed at a bar!

_ Not just any bar, though--a  _ gay  _ bar _ . Dan’s stomach flooded with ice. Still, he answered anyway, steeling himself for the shouting voice he had grown so used to throughout his high school years.

“Dan!” Shockingly, though, she sounded  _ joyful _ once Dan had offered a tentative hello.

“Hey, Mum. What’s up?”

“Oh, honey, I’m so sorry! I was so wrong about you. You’re doing right well in London, aren’t you?”

“Mum. What the--what are you talking about?”

“You’re  _ everywhere _ , love! I’ve been getting so many calls, asking if that’s my son in that new sci fi film. You know, even your nursery teacher called to say how much you’ve grown, how she’s going to drag all her friends once it hits cinemas! You’re going to be such a hit, I can’t believe I was so wrong!”

“You’re…you’re not upset that the picture was at a bar? A…” Dan couldn’t quite bring himself to say ‘gay’, “a... _ that kind _ of bar?”

“Hon,  _ everyone _ your age goes to the pub! I’d be more concerned if you weren’t! And you’re making friends with your co-stars, that’s fantastic! I only hope that boy lays off of you, maybe you could just let him down gently, he looks like bad news to me. You know, I heard you’re working with Vanessa Li, maybe she can help get you some other acting jobs? I’m sure you’ll be a shoo-in, especially after this.”

Was it possible his mum had no idea what The Underground was? Or--Dan could barely allow himself to hope--that she just didn’t care? He couldn’t really process this 180, but he definitely appreciated it.

“Y--uh yeah, maybe. Thanks for finally coming around, Mum, it really means a lot to me.”

“Oh, absolutely, Danie--just hold on a second--oh, sorry honey, I’ve got to run, Ms. Payne, your old drama teacher, is calling, probably to squeal about your fantastic achievements, I’m sure. Your dad and Adrian send their congrats too--love you, bye!” 

And she had hung up before Dan could even say goodbye.

What the  _ hell _ was that? And how come she felt the need to speak for his dad and his little brother like that? If they really were happy for him, they could right well tell him themselves!

Dan felt a small shot of pain deep in his heart. He had barely spoken to his fourteen-year-old brother since starting this crazy adventure. He probably thought Dan an arrogant prick for getting this movie gig and not sharing a single detail with him.

Dan resolved to call him when he got another rare break in filming. Right now, though, he had something else to do.

His mum’s phone call had dislodged something from the back of Dan’s mind. Besides Adrian, he had barely spoken to his Wokingham friends in months, even the one who had the most sensible solutions to all his problems.

Dodie. Why hadn’t Dan thought of her before? She’d know what to do about the whole Phil situation!

Sure, she may never have been in a relationship with a world-famous pop/rock star, but she certainly knew boy problems. (Girl problems too, but that was beside the point.)

He scrolled through his contacts and tapped her icon, lifting his phone back to his ear and hoping beyond all hope she wasn’t busy. Wokingham Theatre rehearsals didn’t start till later in the afternoon, right?

“Dan!!!” Dodie sounded absolutely delighted, picking up on the first ring. “How are you? I was beginning to think you’d forgotten all about us now that you’re a big shot movie star!”

“Yeah, I’m really sorry about that. It’s been kind of insane. Did you know, being the main character means you’re in every single scene that’s filmed? You wouldn’t  _ believe _ some of the hours I’ve had.” Dan sighed. “But there’s something else I want to talk about. Are you alone? This is kinda...private. Ish.”

“Wow, I can only imagine the stress. But yes, I am alone. My parents took Hedy to the park earlier, so it’s just me and the cats. I’ve only got a couple hours before I have to leave for  _ As You Like It _ rehearsal, though, because, well, not all of us have superstar boyfriends wanting to cast us in their big blockbuster films.”

Dan groaned. What he wouldn’t  _ give _ to play Jacques! He’d had half his soliloquies memorised by fourteen.

He couldn’t imagine who was playing him in Dan’s place. Probably that dick Andrew, who barely understood Shakespeare’s intentions and attempted to portray them in his own, often ridiculous, ways. He never would understand why Ms. Payne had so enjoyed his “fresh interpretations”. They were just a load of crap to Dan.

He took in a shaky breath. “Well. Uh. As it so happens, it actually has to do with that superstar boyfriend. Um. A lot.”

“Ooooh is everything going alright with you two? Am I going to be seeing you in the  _ Mail _ as the man who broke Phil Lester’s heart?”

“No. Well, hopefully not, anyway. The thing is...you know I met him when I was in uni. And, well, I was completely terrified of my future then and I had no idea what I was doing with my life. I think I may have let him grow used to babying me a bit because now I’m actually happy with my life and he doesn’t really want to stop playing the hero. Or maybe he doesn’t know how. I just...I really like him a lot, I can’t stand the idea of losing him. You know?”

Dodie hummed in sympathy. “Oh, Dan. You haven’t been avoiding him, have you?” she asked shrewdly. She was well familiar with his tendency to turtle up until his problems eventually blew away.

“No! I was at the hospital with him last night. His brother Martyn got in a car wreck but I’m sure you’ve heard already.”

“And were you planning on seeing him again? I’m sure he’s in a right state now, especially if his brother’s in hospital.”

Dan hesitated. “Uh. Well, they said Martyn’s going to be fine so I’m sure Phil’s doing alright, he just needs a day to rest. You know how strong he is.”

“ _ Dan _ ! I don’t care what shit you guys are going through, you can’t just leave him like this! His brother’s been in a car accident, he’s probably a mess right now. And what do you mean,  _ they _ said Martyn’s alright? Phil didn’t tell you himself?”

“No, I haven’t heard anything from him all day.” Dan sighed. “I went to the hospital for him last night, of course, but we kind of...well, we kinda had a big fight. I don’t think he wants to hear from me right now.”

“Oh,  _ Dan _ !” Dodie lamented. “This isn’t because of a certain picture, is it?”

“Ding ding ding.” Dan’s voice was hollow, his heart an anchor sunk deep in his chest.

“Oooh. Well, he must know it’s a load of crap, doesn’t he? I mean, just look at where it’s posted! Those sites have barely had a good word on him in eight years.”

“I don’t know if he realised that. He might have been a bit mixed up from the hospital thing. Dodes, how the hell am I supposed to talk to him now? Should I parade there on an elephant or something? If I can even fit, what with my giant body and all,” Dan scoffed.

There was a pause from Dodie’s end for a second.

“Well, Phil’s a musician, right?” she finally asked. “And you’re a pretty great piano player. Why don’t you try speaking to him through music?”

How had Dan never considered that before? “You’re saying I should write him a song? That’s your forte, though, I don’t know the first thing about songwriting!”

“Really? All those years of idolising bands and artists, not to mention Phil Lester himself, and you’re telling me you haven’t ever considered writing your own songs? It’s not that hard, you know. Just put your feelings into rhyming words and set it to some sort of rhythm. You’ve got the best rhythm of anyone I know, I’m sure you could do it!”

Okay, maybe she had a point there. Dan hummed. “Alright, I’ll think about it. Maybe.”

His heart tugged at the very thought of Phil. And there was a piano in the lobby. He usually turned to his favourite artists in thewe moods but who’s to say he couldn’t channel that emotion into something of his own, regardless of how shitty it was?

“Yay!! Tell me how it goes, okay? I believe in you, Dan!”

Well, she was pretty alone there. Still, Dan appreciated the support anyway.

“Sure. Thanks so much, Dodie.” He meant it.

“Anytime, Dan. Good luck!”

And she hung up, leaving Dan staring at his phone yet again, its touch screen now smudged with his dirty facial oils.

He wiped it off with his shirt, pulling down the notification center in his haste. He almost flicked it up, but then he saw the text message. It must have come during his call with Dodie.

**Phil:** Hey I’m so so sorry about last night. I was mental and totally out of line. Can we talk sometime? I think we need to clear up what we want from each other and see where we can go from here.

So. Phil didn’t totally hate him. 

But “see where we can go from here”? That didn’t sound good to Dan.

He rolled onto his side, flipping his phone over and burying his face in his plumpest pillow. How was he supposed to write an entire song by, well, whenever he ended up seeing Phil?

More importantly, was it even still a good idea in the first place?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Tumblr: [@phloridas](http://phloridas.tumblr.com)
> 
> (Slight) disclaimer: The lyrics used in this chapter are all my own, so my apologies if they're pretty crappy. I used to attempt to write songs in middle school and high school but only about two were actually any good and I pretty much gave up a few years ago so as you can see, songwriting isn't really my thing but I thought it might be a fun little challenge for this fic! 
> 
> I'm also starting my new job at a department store this week and I'm working 26 hours so updates may be a bit more sporadic but I'm gonna be doing my best to stick to a schedule, as my goal is to get this fic done by the end of the summer. You can always follow me on Tumblr if you'd like updates as well! (I tag everything related to this fic with "luminescence") 
> 
> Don't forget to subscribe if you'd like to be notified when I post a new chapter and maybe leave a kudos and comment if you're liking this fic, I'd love to know what you think, and as always, I hope that wherever you are, you're having a wonderful day/night! <3


	13. Chapter 13

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So first of all, I want to apologize for being soooo late with this chapter. I actually had it all ready to go a week ago but AO3 didn't save my draft and I had to run to work and was kind of just really stressed, so I pretty much just took a break from here for a little bit (mature, I know). But I'm back and hopefully you guys aren't too upset with me for leaving you hanging for so long!!
> 
> In other, more exciting news, I've finally figured out that this fic is going to be 20 chapters in all, including a little epilogue of sorts, and my goal is to finish it before the end of 2017--maybe even by November but we'll see how school treats me. We're nearing the end, guys! Strap yourselves in because it's gonna be quite the ride.
> 
> I hope you enjoy!!

_ Dan. Come on. It’s just Phil in there, he’s nothing to be afraid of. _

Try as he might, Dan still couldn’t keep his body from trembling as he stood on Phil’s giant London porch. This wasn’t his first venture here, by any means, but it was far and away the one that carried the most weight.

Phil opened the door before Dan could even work out what to say. His normally angelic face now appeared impassive. He greeted Dan with a tight smile, holding his arms out almost like he thought better of it.

Dan stepped into the hug, and though it was brief, he swore he felt every emotion in the book. He had a sudden need to stay right here forever, regardless of the consequences. Could Phil just never let go?

But let go he did far too soon, and Dan was jerked back to the real reason he was here. Totoro had nosed his large black body between them, sniffing Dan all over and appearing delighted at his presence.

“Hey,” Phil said softly. “Should we go, uh, sit down somewhere maybe?”

“Yeah, alright,” Dan agreed, then remembered. “Uh, can we go to the music room, maybe? I have something...uh...there’s something I’d like to show you.”

Phil looked perplexed but he led the way down the short yet elaborate hallway, turning right into a huge room with wall-to-wall soundproofing and instruments set up everywhere, including--Dan gulped--the gleaming white piano he had been dying to lay his hands on since the first time he set foot in this room.

He debated asking Phil for permission (that piano was his baby and all), but in the end, chose to just sit at the bench to preserve the mystery of it all.

Phil’s eyebrows jumped up but he didn’t say a word. Well, at least he wasn’t forcing Dan off the plush vinyl seat.

(Not that he would have moved anyway.)

“S...so. So, a little birdie may have told me that the best way to get through to a musician is through music itself. I know I’m not the best or anything but, well, I think this pretty much sums up my recent feelings. So just listen, okay?”

Dan’s voice shook. A sharp intake of breath from Phil pierced the silence. Dan couldn’t bear to gauge his expression, so instead he focused on hovering his fingers over the correct keys and maybe stopping them from shaking all over the shop.

A slow, somber melody emerged from his fingertips, Dan’s eyes never straying from the monochrome keys in front of him. 

With his heart slamming against his chest, his lips finally parted and the clear, deep tenor that escaped him took Dan by surprise. After a few moments, the entire room melted away, Phil included, leaving just Dan and the piano.

Was this how all musicians felt? Dan understood now the high that so many performers reported to chase, the intoxicating feeling of laying all your emotions bare, letting every hint of pain deep inside you drip out with each note.

It didn’t matter that the song wouldn’t be shattering the charts anytime soon. This was for Phil, and for Phil’s ears only, and in the end, that’s what was important.

 

_ Sitting here with my hands on these keys _

_ Mind buzzing with possibilities _

_ It’s still no easier to say what I mean _

_ But take a look in these eyes and you just might see _

 

_ That I’m taking this chance _

_ To show you who I am _

_ No walls, no defences, no pretenders’ masks _

_ Just me _

_ You know that what you get _

_ Ain’t always what you see _

 

_ That autumn we met I barely knew _

_ Who I was, what I was meant to do _

_ But your deft hands and the upturn of your cheeks _

_ May just have shaped me into who I was meant to be _

 

_ Yet I was a coward, weak and scared _

_ With the world at my feet, I just wasn’t prepared _

_ To take that next leap, so I pushed you aside _

_ Without a single consideration for your pride _

 

_ So I’m taking this chance _

_ To show you who I am _

_ No walls, no defences, no pretenders’ masks _

_ Just me _

_ You know that what you get _

_ Ain’t always what you see _

 

_ I miss your kaleidoscope eyes, the movements of your skin _

_ Your feather-black fringe _

_ How you knew my thoughts with just one look _

_ And still accepted everything _

 

_ Maybe this is just a shout into the void _

_ A desperate whisper from a not-so-young boy _

_ But there’s this feeling deep in my bones _

_ That’s saying I just can’t let you go _

 

_ So I’m taking this chance _

_ To show you who I am _

_ Down with the walls, the defences, the pretenders’ masks _

_ You just get me _

_ Yeah, you’re just getting stupid old me _

 

_ And all I can hope is _

_ You like what you see _

 

Dan wasn’t surprised to find his voice shaking almost as much as it had when he began the song, mixed with a cool dampness trickling down his cheeks. What he was surprised to see, though, was a breathless Phil, body trembling with suppressed sobs.

On instinct, Dan rushed over to the pearly white sofa, wrapping his arms tight around Phil as he buried his head in Dan’s shoulder with a loud sniffling that alarmed even Toto beside him. 

He never imagined that his (pretty shitty, if you asked him) song would have elicited this response but the way Phil fell into Dan’s arms had to be a good thing, right?

A few minutes of Dan kneading his hands down Phil’s back and through his million-pound fringe was apparently just what Phil needed to uncurl his thoughts. His breathing evened out, with only an occasional shake of his shoulders every few seconds. He leaned back, wiping his red eyes with hands still locked with Dan’s. Dan squeezed once, giving Phil the chance to speak when he felt ready.

“Dan. That was--I--nobody’s done that for me before, I can’t tell you how much that meant to me. That little birdie was right, you know. You should thank them for me,” Phil said, offering a watery smile.

“Well, it wasn’t that great really, but well, yeah, that’s pretty much how I’ve been feeling. You know everything in that shitty hotel room had a bit of you in it? Even the mini fridge, remember how you walked right into it trying to grab the room service menu sitting on top?” 

It was damn near impossible to look in Phil’s eyes, but Dan managed it for a second before dropping his gaze down to their intertwined fingers. They crinkled at the memory, so much so that the blue was almost invisible.

“That stupid fridge. Why’d it have to stick out so much anyway?” Phil muttered. His hands grew tighter in Dan’s own, making Dan’s heart speed up.

“So,” Phil added, “I’ve been doing a lot of thinking and I’ve realised...well, I’ve realised we need to talk about how much we want to be in each others’ lives. If...if you even still want to be in mine?”

“Phil Lester. Since when did  _ you _ become the one that  _ I _ was settling for? Of course I’m gonna be in your life, if you’ll have me.” Dan’s stomach twisted at the thought of a life without Phil. Could he even return to filming if they went their separate ways?

“You dork. I’d  _ love _ to have you in my life. I’m glad we’re on the same page.” Phil grinned, his eyes once again burning deep into Dan’s soul. 

Any other time Dan would be squirming, but now he was just grateful to have Phil’s eyes on him again.

“But anyway,” Phil continued. “It seems like you’ve been having a problem with me trying to help you through things. Is that right?”

Dan sighed. “Yeah, I guess a little. I know you just want me to feel better and all, but can I just let you know when I need a little help with something? I can take care of a lot of things myself but it  _ is _ really nice to have someone there whenever I need them. Is that okay?”

Phil’s face melted and he took Dan in his arms, pressing his face into his faded Muse shirt so that Dan could smell every hint of laundry detergent and cinnamon from the seasonally inappropriate candle behind him. 

“That’s more than okay. You’re your own person, I completely respect that. Plus, at further consideration, I’d probably end up fucking things up anyway.”

Dan hummed, feeling the reverberations deep in his chest. “Yeah, you would. That’s the real reason I pushed you aside, you know. I couldn’t handle my life getting any worse.” 

He was sure he had the goofiest smile on his face, stars in his eyes, all those horrendous clichés, but the bubbles rising up his chest were far too sweet for Dan to care.

Phil shoved him, a mirthful grin playing up his features. Dan bit his lip, eyes wild, and he dove in for the attack. Just before he could needle Phil all over with his pointer fingers, though, Phil grabbed Dan’s hands once again, hitting him with a serious stare--but Dan could see the smirk dancing just behind his blue eyes.

“There’s one more thing. I think you and I both know what it--or he--is,” Phil said.

Dan’s teeth remained hooked on his bottom lip, now curved down. He had done some serious thinking about Charlie in his rare abundance of free time. 

Once his initial shock and anger had simmered down, he had to admit Phil had a point.

How could he have been so blind? Maybe he was just so desperate for a friend in this mad business that he would settle for anyone, regardless of their toxicity.

“Yeah,” Dan said after a few moments. “You know, I think you’re onto something with him.”

“You think?” The smirk had returned in full force. 

Dan just shook his head. “Shut up. For your information, I only  _ ever _ saw him as a friend. If he ever made an actual move...well, that martial arts training may come in handy for more than just filming. I want you and only you, Phil. And that’s the truth.”

Phil lingered in his examining stare. Dan knew he was searching for any sign of hesitation, that Dan didn’t believe his own words, but Dan held his gaze. Seconds later, Phil’s controlled face melted into a genuine smile and the breath Dan never noticed he was holding flew out of his nose in a rush.

“Good. I’m glad,” Phil said. Dan was sure his cheeks would buckle under the strain of his massive grin, a mirror image of Phil’s.

“However, I would like to suggest something,” Phil continued. “I’m not gonna ask you to stop hanging out with Charlie because that’s manipulative and controlling and that’s just not who I am. I don’t think it’s unreasonable, though, to ask you to maybe take his actions towards you with a grain of salt, and ask him to back off a bit? I mean, for all I know, he really is as great of a friend as you say. Or he could just be trying to get close to you for his own benefit. Either way, I think everything will be a million times better if you just talk to him, you know?”

Dan considered this for a moment. Confrontations still churned his insides into a primordial soup but Phil wasn’t asking for much. Dan had been dreading his next day of filming, ignoring Charlie’s increasingly needy texts. This  _ would _ make things much smoother, regardless of the massive amounts of effort it would take.

“Yeah, I think I can do that,” Dan answered, drawing out a twinkle tucked deep behind Phil’s eyes. A giddy warmth blossomed in Dan’s chest, rushing to all corners of his body as Phil squeezed their fingers tight, his features sharpened even more by his crinkle-eyed smile.

They fell into a near-silence then, all hums and whispered declarations of affection. Fingers tangled in hair, skin pressed against skin, and still Dan didn’t feel close enough until their lips fell together, sweet and familiar and everything Dan had been missing for the last fortnight. How had he ever gone a day without this?

For the first time he could remember, Dan felt  _ happy _ . Maybe pouring his heart out wasn’t such a bad idea after all--and just maybe, he had something going with this songwriting thing. He owed Dodie a  _ serious _ thank you. He just hoped a phone call could do for now.

 

\--

“You see, Dan? I told you he’d love the song! I’m so proud of you! It’s tough work, songwriting is, especially your first one. Knowing the fabulous writer you are, though, I’m sure it was nothing short of fantastic.” You could hear the smile pushing up Dodie’s cheekbones. Dan couldn’t help smiling back.

“Eh, it was alright I guess. He’s definitely heard better, I’m kind of surprised he even liked it to begin with.”

“Dan. He’s a  _ five time Grammy winner _ . He’s not going to waste his time raving about a song he doesn’t think is any good. I know I wouldn’t.”

“Um, I thought I was the one dating him, not you? I know you’re just as big a fangirl as me but you have just as much insight into his mind as I did a year ago. I  _ suppose _ you have a point, though.” Dan laughed, a faint chuckle to offset his sharp words.

“In case you forgot, I’m a musician too,” Dodie shot back, her voice light. Dan had quite missed this easy banter this past year. “And I think I know how most musicians’ minds work, no matter how famous they are. Anyway, you’ve never told me what filming is like! I can only get so much from Twitter, you know--now spill, please! I’m dying here!”

“Fine, I  _ guess _ so. I need to vent about Vanessa to someone, anyway. I mean, my makeup artist Louise is great but she doesn’t  _ really _ get me, you know?” 

And Dan did indeed spill, at times hardly believing the last eight weeks were his life. Everything about filming was just so surreal--perhaps it had to do with transforming into the same character day after day, soon becoming so entrenched in Alex’s story that bits of it leaked into his own.

Despite having the whole of London open to him for the taking, Dan still felt trapped in his massive hotel room. He never was that great at navigating new places, and it was quite rare that he worked up the confidence to go anywhere new on his own--not to mention the paparazzi that popped into peripheral visibility whenever he took a single step outside.

He didn’t mention any of this to Dodie, though. As lovely as she was, Dodie had quite a rose-tinted view of filming and the acting world in general, and he just couldn’t burst that bubble. Plus, he knew he was lucky to even be in this position. 

It really wasn’t all bad. Plus, he got to do something he enjoyed more than anything else day in and day out. Thousands, maybe even millions of people would do just about anything to be in his position--Dodie included.

(Dan made a mental note to talk to Tony about booking her an audition or two. Really, it was the least he could do after all his shit she’d dealt with these last fifteen years.)

“Well.  _ Wow. _ That’s certainly a...wild life you’ve got there. You know who’d love to hear about all that, though?” Dodie asked, a hint of envy hidden in her tone. 

Dan wanted to scream that this could all be hers too, soon, so soon. But not yet. He couldn’t get her hopes up for nothing--not when her brain gave her as hard of a time as it was.

“Who? Ms. Payne?” Dan guessed, knowing as he did that Dodie never actually expected him to call up his old drama teacher.

“No, stupid! Adrian! Have you even talked to him since filming started? I know things are tough with your parents and all but I’m sure he’d love to hear from his super cool big brother.”

“Oh yeah!” Dan gasped, remembering. “I meant to tell you--my mum called just before I called you yesterday, it sounded like she came around. I mean, it was that picture blowing up that did it, but I’ll take anything at this point. I’ve actually been thinking of calling him ever since then.”

“Really? You should! You know what, I’ll let you go now so you can call him before either of you go to sleep. Bye, Dan! Good luck with the rest of filming, and I can’t wait to hear how things end up going with Phil!”

“Oh, er--bye, Dodie,” Dan replied, feeling like his best friend had just slammed on the brakes. “Let me know how Wokingham Theatre rehearsals are going, alright? Contrary to popular belief, I really do miss you guys.”

“Awwww, Daaannn. We miss you too! Try and pay us a visit if you’re ever back here, alright? We could do with the publicity.”

Dan just laughed as they bid their final goodbyes and the line clicked off. He lowered his phone, wiping off the incessant amounts of face oil (really, it was like he was going through a second puberty or something), and scrolled up to his brother’s name in his contacts, his stomach jumping a little all the same.

_ He’s just your little brother. Sure, he may be pissed that you sort of threw him in the gutter but he’ll get over it.  _

_ You’re the bigger one here anyway. This is stupid, come on. _

And with that, he punched the call button, his heart still racing even as he lifted the phone once again to his ear.

Adrian answered on the third ring.

“Dan? What’s going on? I can get mum if she’s not asleep, hold on…” There was a shuffling, almost like his brother was sliding out of his planet-covered bedsheets.

“Hey hey, whoa don’t, I’m fine, everything’s fine.” Why was Dan swinging his arm like a maniac? It’s not like they were having an actual face to face conversation. “I wanted to talk to you, actually.”

“Me?” A pause, then, “Whatchu wanna talk to  _ me _ for? You’re making more than enough money off  _ Worlds Away _ , aren’t you?”

“I don’t wanna talk to you about  _ money _ , dumbass. I miss Wokingham. And...alright, fine, I miss you a little bit.”

“You--you do?” Adrian’s voice cracked, giving Dan an immediate flash of the child he had shared his home with for so many years. Within seconds, though, he switched right back to the deep tone he had acquired since Dan had left for uni. “You’re so lame, Dan. Shouldn’t you be out at some crazy party right now, lapping up all of London?”

“Very funny,” Dan groused. “Come on, I thought you’d at least wanna hear about the movie and all that. Plus, I’m counting on you to keep me up to date on everything back home. How were your exams? I’m really sorry I never came home to see you but things were kind of insane once uni let out. And, well, you can probably understand why I wasn’t too keen on seeing mum and dad again.”

“Alright, I  _ guess _ you’re right.” Dan could hear the grin his brother tried so hard to hide. In an instant, his voice grew ten times more animated, almost like his old self. “Is Vanessa Li really as hot as her pictures? How are things going with Phil, and who the hell is this Charlie guy? Looks like you guys are getting up to some wild times.”

Dan bristled at the mention of his two least favourite people onset. “Well, Vanessa is undeniably super pretty at first but she’s also a total bitch so that pretty much erases any speck of attraction on my part. Charlie was one of my friends here but he’s no longer a going concern, if Friday night is anything to go by. Phil, though,” at this point, Dan’s grin cut into his cheeks, “he’s doing good. Real good.”

“Spare me the details, please.” Hearing his little brother’s disgusted tone again warmed Dan more than he liked to admit. What a sap he was becoming. Dear lord.

“But hey, what’s it like being in an actual film anyway?” Adrian asked. “Everyone’s been on my ass about it ever since it was announced. I’ve had to start making things up and you know I’m not a good storyteller.” Was there something guarded about his tone? Maybe slightly hurt?

He was probably still upset at Dan for leaving him in the dark so long. Dan could understand that.

So Dan proceeded to expel some of his most entertaining tales of the film set, hamming things up a bit both for comedic effect and to keep up his “cool older brother” status. He wasn’t about to let his old school know how lame he really was--maybe he could redeem his loser status post-graduation.

It was like being back in his brother’s room again, Dan’s languid form too big for Adrian’s bed so he’d sprawl out on his desk chair instead. 

It was the only good thing about home. Mutually bashing their parents, complaining about school, and Dan offering his best advice despite not having a clue what he was doing himself--those were Dan’s formative years, and as shit as they may have been, a piece of him couldn’t help wanting to return to those simpler times.

Finally, after telling the story behind the now-infamous photo (“I knew something was up with that Charlie bloke! I wouldn’t trust that face for a second,” Adrian insisted), Dan took a deep breath and paused for what must have been the first time in almost ten minutes.

“So, that’s pretty much the lowdown. Seriously, though, enough about me. You’ve been suspiciously quiet about home, is everything okay? Are mum and dad treating you alright? Besides their usual control freak tendencies, of course.”

“Yeah, everything’s fine. Nothing I can’t deal with, you know that.” 

Dan knew that tone. He also now knew just how Phil must have been feeling recently. 

He just needed to know that Adrian was safe, though. Nothing wrong with that, right?

“You sure? I’m not trying to intrude here, buddy, but I know that voice. Does it have anything to do with me, maybe? I know some reporters can be absolute dicks when it comes to families. Just say the word and I can tell them to back off.” Was Dan prying too much? He knew how it felt to be fourteen, wanting nothing more than for people to butt out of his business.

At the same time, though...god, if  _ anyone _ made his little brother even the least bit uncomfortable because of him, Dan would stop at nothing short of tearing them limb from limb.

A heavy sigh from Adrian told Dan he was right on the money. His heart sank.

“Okay fine,” Adrian started. “It’s...it’s not reporters, though. Yet. It’s fangirls.”

“Wait--fangirls? Of...of Phil’s?” Dan’s breath caught in his throat as he twisted the hem of his Pokemon T shirt into a tight knot. But why would they care about  _ his _ family? He and Phil had agreed to keep their relationship far from the public eye. They hardly ever tweeted about or to each other, no matter how much Dan wanted to.

Could it be that they put two and two together and had matched those blurry kiss videos with the casting announcement?

“Uh, maybe. I think they’ve moved on to  _ you _ , though, mate. It’s not bad, though, I privated my Facebook and Twitter before too many of them could follow me, I think. I’ve blocked pretty much all the messages asking about you, told the others I don’t have any information and they can just fuck off but...I never realised how  _ many  _ of them there are. How do you deal with it, Dan?”

Dan’s stomach twisted. How on earth had these people gotten it into their minds that they were entitled to anything remotely personal in his life? The young girls he had met outside of the studios all seemed so sweet and eager--they couldn’t be the same ones stalking his brother, could they?

_ Well, yeah _ , a nasty corner of Dan’s brain spoke up.  _ You’ve heard the horror stories. That can’t even be the worst of it. _

Dan sighed, choosing his words carefully. “Well, to tell you the truth...I don’t, not really. My publicist Audrey says to just ignore all the comments and replies, don’t google myself, all the stuff I’m sure you’ve heard a million times.” 

His heart sank, knowing he couldn’t just give his brother an easy answer. “It sucks but I really don’t know any way to stop it. I’m sorry, dude. Trust me, I  _ wish _ I could do all this acting stuff without all the fame.”

“Do you? Do you  _ really _ ?” The bite in Adrian’s tone sent a shower of ice cascading down Dan’s spine. “You were  _ dying  _ for MySpace friends back in ‘04. You’re telling me you’re not ecstatic about having hundreds of thousands of followers?”

“No, that’s completely different!” Dan’s voice squeaked, tinting his cheeks ruby red. He cleared his throat before continuing. “Those were people from school, people I knew, whose approval I was searching for. These are all complete strangers and, while yeah it can be exciting, it’s mostly just insane. Especially considering what they’re doing to you. Hey,” just then, a terrible possibility wormed its way into Dan’s mind, freezing his insides, “nobody’s tried to follow you around yet, have they?”

“No!” Adrian sounded scandalised, and Dan let out his breath in a long  _ whoosh _ . “No, I swear I’m fine. I mean, some people from school have come up and tried to ask about things, but Keith and Jordan are pretty good at getting them to back off.”

“Good. They’re good guys, keep them around.” Dan rolled onto his stomach then, catching a glimpse of the clock blinking red and accusatory, and a frown tugged at the corners of his mouth.

“You know, I really hate to say this, Adrian, but I’ve gotta let you go. I’ve got a stupidly early call time tomorrow for this huge scene we’re doing.”

“Really?” For a second, Adrian retreated back into his six-year-old self again. It tugged at Dan’s heartstrings. As irritated as twelve-year-old Dan often got at his little brother, he would travel back to that time in a heartbeat.

“Yeah. Sorry, buddy. Stay safe, alright? I’ll try to call you when I can. No more ghosting--well, ideally, anyway.” With the end of filming drawing ever closer, these next couple weeks were going to be serious crunch time for everyone involved.

Not to mention he’d be spending a lot more time with Phil now, a concept that sent his heart leaping all the way to the starry skies above.

“Alright,  _ mum _ ,” Adrian groused but Dan could hear the smile folded deep within his words. “Don’t fuck anything up onset. Even though I’m sure Phil lets you get away with everything.”

“When he’s in serious director mode?” Dan shot back. “Hell no. He’s just as hard on me as he is with anyone else, maybe even more so since I’m the main character. Anyway, night, little dude!”

“You know I’m not little,” Adrian muttered, adding, “night!” before the line clicked off and Dan was left with a silent room lit only by the soft glow of his bedside lamp. He flopped backwards on his bed, watching his ceiling spinning a bit above him as his blood slowly dispersed itself through the rest of his body.

Dan’s mind whirred at the speed of his ceiling fan for a few seconds until it settled on the unavoidable truth:

He had just two weeks before he finished this film. Done. Packed up. The end.

And Dan had no idea what he was doing next.

Okay, sure, he had interviews aplenty lined up for the next few months--but most of them weren’t until June, just before the film’s release at the end of the month.

It was now the end of August. Filming was slated to finish in early September. Just the thought of nine whole months with nothing to do dropped an anchor deep in Dan’s stomach. What did real actors do during post-production?

Maybe…

He peeled off his shirt, succumbing to the cottony embrace of his bedsheets.

Maybe he could call Tony, see if he had anything lined up for him. (Was it strange that Tony hadn’t called him yet?)

And just maybe, in the meantime…

He flicked off the lamp, gathered his pillows in a bear hug, and closed his eyes, not daring to believe in the possibility but still sending up a blind hope anyway.

_ Maybe he could live here, in London, with Phil. _

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Tumblr: [@phloridas](http://phloridas.tumblr.com)
> 
> Thanks so much for reading and I hope you enjoyed! Slight disclaimer: again, all lyrics here are my own so apologies if they're not that great haha but it fits with Dan's character since he's not a natural songwriter either I think. :) I'd love to know what you think of this, and I'm going to do my best to give you guys a much shorter gap between this and Chapter 14 but I guess we'll see. I hope you're having a wonderful day/night wherever you are, and if not, that maybe this made it a little bit better! <3


	14. Chapter 14

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Warnings for (slight) mentions of death
> 
> We're going in deep with this chapter, guys. Are you ready?

The next day of filming flew by.

Dan never got the chance to speak with Charlie before filming began, what with the near incomprehensible explanations of camera angles and wires and safety rules that they reviewed beforehand. Even Phil chimed in with a few precautions of his own, and Dan wondered where on earth he learned all this. Probably in one of his many (many) serious director meetings.

As the expert operators hoisted him up in the air, it occurred to Dan with a thrilling swoop of his stomach that he was well and truly living out some of his eight-year-old fantasies. He could only just see the concern in Phil’s face far below but shot him his most encouraging thumbs-up from the confines of his spacesuit.

Charlie shot up a minute later with a crack of his knuckles and a wicked grin beneath his helmet and within seconds, they were off and rolling.

Maybe it was the aftermath of the photo debacle, the club lights still flashing behind his eyes, but Dan had no trouble accessing his anger in this scene. Charlie fought him tooth and nail, though, leaving Dan sweating by the first call to cut.

Louise rushed over, a flurry of powders and brushes, nearly dropping her supplies in her haste. Various shoulder pats were made, congratulations on his great performance so far, but Dan felt far removed from them.

He shouldn’t be getting so worked up about this. Charlie deserved to know how Dan felt. No more stringing him along because Dan was too awkward to say no.

It’s not like he was drawing the curtains on their friendship. Charlie had no reason to get upset...right?

Still, every cell in Dan’s body pulsed as he approached the sandy-haired boy just after they had both de-costumed. Charlie appeared to be studying his phone with an impassive face, its white screen tiny in his meaty hand.

Was distraction a good sign or a bad sign? At least he didn’t seem like he had a bone to pick with Dan.

“Hey, Charlie?” Dan finally asked after drawing in a shaky breath. “There’s something I want to, ah, talk to you about. D’you think you can come outside with me? It’s kinda...important and I’d rather nobody overhear.”

Charlie glanced up at Dan, eyebrows raised and mouth a flat line. “Okay, sure. What do you wanna talk about?”

“Oh, just...stuff. Um, things about the movie, you know?” This wasn’t about the movie, and Dan had an inkling that Charlie could tell. Still, he followed Dan down the soundstage and out the massive white doors without so much as a peep.

Outside, the sky was dark and the air was warm and fuzzy--the kind of heat that made sweat pop into being the moment you stepped foot in it and, Dan knew, would undo Louise’s hairspray job faster than Phil could pick his guitar.

_Mate. This isn’t a big deal, stop being a freak. Rip the plaster off, just get it over with. Grow some balls, for fuck’s sake!_

Still, it took Dan another deep breath and a shake of the arms to gather his thoughts enough to form words. How had a single weekend made Charlie a stranger?

“So. So, I know you probably don’t remember anything about Friday night, due to your, um, state. There’s actually some things I’d, ah, I’d like to talk about from that evening, though.”

“Is that so?”

Well. Charlie sure wasn’t going to make this any easier, was he?

“Yeah. Actually, it’s really about these last few months. I think we need to set some things straight.” A soft breeze trickled in, ruffling up both Hollywood-perfect sets of fringe.

“Alright. Well, first off, I’m not.” Finally, Charlie cracked a smile. Upon closer reflection, it didn’t seem like it traveled to his eyes--but maybe that was just the shadows of the dim lantern on the few remaining stripes of his heavy makeup.

“Um, yeah. About that.”

_Shit_. He should have prepared what he was about to say. Never trust Dan to wing something. He fared far better when calculating his every move; no wonder acting had appealed to him.

He sucked in a breath and started again. “Look. I gave you the benefit of the doubt for a while since we’re friends and everything but this weekend made it pretty fucking clear to me. Clearly, you have a thing for me and as flattering as that is, you know I’m taken. That means _off limits_ for anything besides normal friendship. Alright?”

Rather than the stony acceptance or bitter rage Dan had been expecting, though, he now found Charlie staring at him as if the aliens in the film had taken over his brain.

Wait.

_What?_

“The hell you talking about, mate? Yeah, sure, I’m a bit gay” (understatement of the century) “but did you honestly think I _fancied_ you? I know you’re with Phil, we all can see that. What kind of brainless scum do you take me for? I was being _friendly_ , wasn’t I? Dear god...” Charlie shook his head but Dan couldn’t help noticing his voice sounded higher than usual, despite his sharp denial.

“Hey. Alright, I get it. I realise that may have come out a bit harsh and I’m sorry. Can we just take a breather and forget all this ever happened? I don’t wanna make things weird, honestly.” Dan’s stomach sank down to his feet, a far cry from the floating he had so enjoyed that morning.

The look on Charlie’s face screamed _Well, you’re a little late for that, buddy_. Thankfully, he had the tact not to say it out loud.

“You know what, fine, alright. We’re in too many scenes together anyway, plus they’re gonna make us do a shit ton of interviews later on. I’d rather not make an enemy out of you either, you know?” This should be the time for Charlie to extend his hand but it hung loose at his side, his fingers curling in on each other ever so slightly.

Dan had raised his arm halfway but let it drop down to his side with a short, “Alright. Well, uh, I guess I’ll see you tomorrow?” Astro didn’t come in until the end of the scene but Charlie was to report to set just as early as everyone else. Something about ‘taking in the emotional stock’ to help him better get into character.

Personally, Dan didn’t see how he’d need any assistance on that front, especially after tonight. But then he wasn’t Phil, was he?

“Yeah, sure. See you around.”

With that, Charlie span around and traipsed to his car, head high and shoulders just a little bit too straight. Dan’s feet remained glued to the dark asphalt for a second in an attempt to process the last few minutes before he peeled off in the opposite direction for his own Honda.

_Well, that went...easier than expected?_

Still, Dan couldn’t shake a strange unsettling feeling from his stomach. Rather than turning left for the hotel, he made a right turn towards Phil’s house.

Right now, something was pulling, dragging him to Phil, something beyond all sense and reason. And with his night blessedly free of serious director meetings, Dan would have Phil all to himself.

That was enough to return the smile to his lips, his heart settling somewhere among the dark clouds almost obscuring the sliver of moonlight far above. His fresh perspective and loving cuddles had yet to let Dan down.

Maybe a nice bit of makeup sex could come out of this whole affair. An added bonus, really.

 

\--

“So obviously he’s just full of shit and totally up to something. You don’t cut off a conversation that quick. Right?”

An hour later, Dan had his head in Phil’s chest, gazing up through his eyelashes at Phil’s inverted face. Phil tap-danced his fingers through Dan’s hair, every now and then twisting a still-sticky strand and bouncing it against Dan’s forehead.

It felt good to allow himself to be the little spoon for once. All of this--Phil’s gorgeous black sofa, the splashes of colour from various knickknacks, the gentle rise and fall of Phil’s chest against his shoulders--just felt _right_. Manchester may have all their memories but that didn’t mean he couldn’t make new ones here in London.

“Well. I wasn’t there so I can’t make any assumptions. I don’t think it’s unreasonable to ask you to watch your back around him, though. And I’ll keep an eye on him too. Your safety comes first, Dan, always remember that.”

“My _safety_?” Dan twisted around for a full view of Phil’s wide eyes and furrowed brow. His hand drifted up of its own accord to smooth those awful forehead wrinkles, poking the corner of Phil’s lips that curled up at the action. “He’s not going to pound down my door with an _ax_ , Phil. I don’t think he’s that much of a danger--you guys wouldn’t have cast him if he was.”

“Yes, but don’t forget he’s an actor, Dan. Those types are the masters of manipulation--well, except you, apparently.” Phil danced his fingers along Dan’s side, giving the slightest of pushes to draw Dan into him, curling his arm snug around Dan once again with the hint of a wild twinkle snapping behind his eyes.

“Shut up. I manipulated you into loving me, didn’t I?” It still sent Dan’s heart soaring to speak those words. Apparently he hadn’t fully left the silly teenager phase, despite now being twenty years old.

“Are you saying you slipped a love potion into my water bottle onstage? Because I think you might’ve had to go through a few more security guards for _that_!”

That side eye was _doing things_ to Dan.

_Mental undressing_ things…

Dan’s hands itched to grab a chunk of that just-faded cobalt collar, run along the warm skin pulled taut over muscles born from years of musicianship. His arm reached out of its own accord, but Phil just intertwined his fingers with Dan’s own, a light glowing behind his face--but it was the wrong kind of light and a soft whimper escaped Dan’s lips before he could stop it.

Phil did have the softest hands of anyone Dan had ever known, though, so that was nice.

“Hey, did I tell you? The doctors said Martyn’s gonna be released from hospital this week! Apparently he’s responding well to their tests and stuff, plus he regained consciousness quite early, which was a really good thing? He’ll need a lot of rest and physical therapy but otherwise he’s fine. Cornelia’s trying to get him to agree to not go driving at night, but I told her that’s probably going to be a long--”

Dan cut off Phil’s babbling with a firm kiss, emotion threatening to bubble over as his lips conveyed his appreciation for him. Who knew where the rapid change of subject came from but it sure was adorable how much Phil cared for his older brother.

Phil ensconced his every sense, expertly worming his way into Dan’s heart the way he always did. A cascade of heavy breaths pushed up his throat, twisting together into a deep groan that felt like it was coming from somewhere outside of him.

Dan had no problem staying right here, mouth moving in its own slow dance with Phil’s, his mind a pure, blissful blank slate--but of course, one of their phones had to choose that moment to ding a resounding three times.

Dan flopped his hand against the air in a pitiful attempt to continue with this nice thing they had going on but Phil pulled back, frowning and glancing at his blank-screened phone.

So then who wanted to get ahold of Dan so bad?

**Tony:** Just landed you the perfect audition. Think this could really get you places. Call me!

**Tony:** Film’s called Silent Song. You’re up for the lead, Thomas. He’s an aspiring pianist who’s dealing with his first love recently passing away. Set in college. Ours, not America’s. Falls for bad girl but his childhood best friend is crushing on him, eventually gets with her, you know the drill.

**Tony:** Oh did I mention Emma Watson’s signed up to play the best friend? And Jeff Hodgson’s directing? Call me!

Dan just stared. _The_ Emma Watson? Not to mention, Jeff Hodgson was one of the most critically acclaimed directors of all time.

“Come on, don’t leave me in the dark! Who was it?” Phil bounced up and down a little on the couch, his face still a little pink but grinning brighter than Dan had seen it that night.

“It’s...it’s Tony. He, uh...he has another audition for me.” The words felt like magic on his tongue. “Jeff Hodgson’s directing. And Emma Watson’s already signed on.”

“Dan! You’re shitting me right now! Call him! And put him on speaker, I want to hear this firsthand! Dandandan, this is incredible!” Phil’s soft punches sent jolts of pleasure down Dan’s arm.

“Alright, alright, don’t get too excited,” Dan giggled, dialing Tony and setting his phone on the coffee table in front of them. His agent picked up on the first ring.

“Dan! So good to hear from you, mate! So does that mean yes to the audition? It’s not until November, long after _Worlds Away_ will havewrapped. Filming will be in Manchester, January through March. What do you say, huh?” Tony’s voice sounded faster than normal, if that was possible. The distant rumbling of a car engine punctuated his words. Where could he possibly be driving this late at night?

“I--” Dan started, but before he could form a single thought, Phil shouted over him.

“Yes! Yes, he’ll do it!”

Then, in a softer tone, “Dan, you _have_ to. You’d be insane to say no. Plus, well, I’ve always loved my Manchester house more than this London one anyway.”

“Oh hello, Phil.” A gentle laugh crackled through the speakers. “How’s the film coming along?”

“It’s great!” Then, with a hand on Dan’s shoulder, “Say yes, please! I don’t even know what the film is about but I’m sure it’s incredible, whatever it is. Daaaannnn!”

Dan smirked, thoroughly enjoying how Phil drew closer and closer with each tense moment, finally gripping Dan’s arm with his other hand.

“Alright. Alright I think I’ll do it.”

The simultaneous explosion of cheers set off a stream of barks from Totoro, who was lying under Dan’s feet but now got up, shooting an indignant look at Dan’s phone. Dan’s cheeks glowed. Phil’s fingers dug deeper into Dan’s arm, his unadulterated joy radiating through Dan’s entire body.

“Okay guys. Okay. God. You’re like a--”

But just what Dan was about to compare the two men to was lost to the unknown, as Tony spoke up, “Oh, this is just brilliant. I knew you’d say yes, Dan. I’ll send you the script as soon as I get my hands on it. Oh, and Phil. Dan’s auditioning for Thomas, an aspiring pianist who’s getting over the recent passing of his first love. He initially falls for this bad girl but his childhood best friend has been crushing on him all along, dropping hints until he eventually regains his head and gets with her. You know, your classic teenage love triangle with a bit of angst thrown in. Emma Watson’s playing the best friend, Rory. Dan, this would be an incredible way for you to show off your dramatic chops, I know you’ve got it in you.”

Dan blushed but the smile slipped from his face when Phil’s arms quickly left him, his body settling back into the sofa, eyes far away and teeth tugging at his lower lip.

“Thank you. Seriously, thank you so much, Tony. I don’t know how you fanangled this but this is seriously incredible,” Dan said, meaning it.

“Hey, this was all you. Auditions are gonna be rolling in pretty soon, you know. Everyone wants the star of the next summer blockbuster in their film,” Tony said, matter of fact. “Alright, I’ve got to run but I’ll absolutely be keeping you posted. Good luck with the rest of the film, both of you!”

“Thanks, Tony,” Dan said as the line cut off. Then he turned to Phil.

“Hey, is everything okay? You kinda just disappeared for a second there. Do you think I can’t play this part or something?”

The old chest tightening returned, a pull deep inside to prove himself to his doubters. Dan _could_ play this role. Just because he hadn’t actually lost anyone close to him didn’t mean he couldn’t imagine it. That’s what made acting so exciting--he got to dip into the mind of another person for a bit.

Phil’s eyes grew wide at the setting of Dan’s jaw. “No, no it’s not that at all! Tony’s right, you’d be incredible in that role. It’s just...well, I don’t know if I can talk about it. It’s not something I’ve ever shared with the public, for kind of obvious reasons.”

Dan moved closer, taking Phil’s hands in his own with a look both hard enough to smash glass and soft enough to rival Toto’s fur, doing his best to hold Phil’s gaze even as the superstar darted his eyes down to the plush carpet. “Hey. Hey, Phil, look at me,” he whispered.

It took a fair bit of pleading and a tap of his chin but finally Dan caught hold of those pale blue irises again. The barely-masked hurt they held, though, threatened to tear Dan in two. “Hey. You don’t have to tell me anything if you don’t want to. Whatever it is, I’m here for you whenever you’re ready. Okay?”

Phil drew in a shaky breath. Dan squeezed his hands tighter, wanting to transfer every pain that Phil felt onto himself. What in the world could have left this man only a shadow of the strong, carefree person Dan knew so well?

“No, no, it’s fine. It was a few years ago anyway. I should be pretty over it by now.”

Dan just ran his fingers up and down Phil’s hands, trying his best to communicate only love and support despite the frantic pounding of his heart.

“I, well,” Phil started again, “the autumn that I put out my first album, like, four years ago now? One of my closest friends, uh, died suddenly. And I had a bit of a crush on him, too, so that was pretty hard.”

Dan took Phil in his arms then, rubbing circles down his back and whispering into his ear, “Thank you for telling me. I’m so sorry this had to happen, I had no idea.”

He felt a drop or two on his shoulder before Phil took in another trembling breath, face still smushed against Dan. “Well, you wouldn’t have done, would you? It was a month or so before it released and I think I did a pretty good job of covering it up. Mind, I don’t remember much of anything from that time but I always put on a brave face for the cameras and the radio stations.”

Phil pulled away then, wiping his knuckles across his eyes before starting again, rather thickly, “After a while, I realised I had to embrace all these crazy opportunities I was getting, since, I mean, I’ve only got this one life. And, well, I guess you know the rest.” A wet giggle escaped him, leaving Dan torn between tears and soft laughter.

Knowing he had to remain at least somewhat steady for Phil, though, he chose to crack his first smile since hanging up the phone, grabbing his boyfriend’s hands again and saying, “Hey, hey. Phil. It’s okay. I know it still hurts and probably always will a bit, but you got me out of all this. That’s a pretty good trade-off, don’t you think?”

“Hmmm. I mean, it’s kind of a toss-up between you and Toto here, if I’m being honest.”

Dan shoved him, earning that breathless musical giggle he loved so much. It felt like sun streaming into the massive lounge, tugging at the ropes in his chest that then fell easily.

Phil shoved back. Dan readied his tickle fingers, mere centimetres away from digging into Phil’s ribs with no remorse when a new light glowed behind Phil’s eyes, serious enough to spur a hint of hesitation in Dan’s movements.

“Really though, Dan, you _have_ to take that audition. I’ll coach you night and day if I need to. If you get this--and I’m certain you will--this could open so, so many doors for you, more than I ever could. Do it for me? Please?”

Was this how Phil had gotten so successful? Those puppy dog eyes were the work of a genius.

“I already said yes, didn’t I?” Now it was Dan’s turn to send a giggle up to the chandelier-adorned high ceiling. “But seriously, thank you so much for your support, Phil. It really does mean the world.”

Was that too much? Well, it was the truth. Hadn’t they agreed to be more honest about their feelings from now on?

Still, Dan’s cheeks warmed anyway.

“Hey, it’s no worries. You and me, Dan--we’re gonna take on the world. Cat and bear save the world. That has a nice ring to it, doesn’t it?”

Dan pressed another kiss to his lips, much softer and shorter this time. One hand still tracing the hollow of Phil’s jaw, he whispered, “That’s so cliche and disgusting but I love it. I love _you_.”

It was like the clouds had parted from his mind. The promise of Phil beside him for the next few months, at least, gave Dan a strange desire to dance around the room with Phil between his arms.

Was it too much to ask for forever?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Tumblr: [@phloridas](http://phloridas.tumblr.com)
> 
> Thank you so much for reading and I hope you enjoyed! Don't forget to leave a kudos or comment if you'd like, I'd love to know what you think! And don't forget to subscribe too if you'd like email updates when a new chapter is posted! I hope you're having a wonderful day/night wherever you are and if not, hopefully this made it a little bit better. <3


	15. Chapter 15

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So first of all, I want to say thank you all so, SO much for your patience on this chapter--I appreciate it more than you can ever know. I'm so sorry this took so ridiculously long but I've actually been trying to get a little ahead of myself on this fic because, well...you guys aren't gonna want another crazy long break after this chapter. As of now, I have Chapter 16 almost completely written and should be finishing it sometime this week. And from there...well, we're practically in the home stretch! I hope you guys can stick with me, as I've got some pretty exciting things planned for this!
> 
> So, without further ado, I hope you enjoy!!

Had it really been ten weeks?

Dan still remembered the shaking of his hands the day he first stepped onset, although now it felt as if it had happened to someone else.

That Dan was scared of everything, only felt comfortable talking to Phil. He bowed his head now, failing to bite back a smile as the memory of Toto’s flopping tongue and helicopter tail floated to the forefront of his mind. How Phil had wrangled a dog onto set that day was beyond him, but Dan’s mostly smoothed nerves were reward enough.

Now, though, he waved hello to every crew member he passed, hopping into the black swivel chair that had become somewhat of a second (or third, or fourth, really) home these last few months. Louise bustled into the cramped trailer moments later, snapping gum and dancing her bright pink nails across her phone before tossing it on the counter.

“Dan. My god, I never thought I’d be saying this, but I’m actually gonna be a little sorry to see this oily face go. You ready to hang up that spacesuit, say goodbye to Alex for a while?”

Did she really have to word it like that? Dan’s stomach squirmed, but not as much as it would have were he not sitting on Tony’s proposition.

“Hmmm, I guess. It’s weird, I had a lot of mixed feelings at the start, but everyone’s been so great, even Vanessa eventually. It’s like we’ve made our own little family here, as disgusting as that sounds.”

Louise moved her sponge to Dan’s forehead rather than his upturned cheeks, matching his soft smile with a glowing one of her own--or maybe that was just the highlighter.

“That’s exactly what I hear from all the first-timers. I have to say, I’m mighty proud of you too, Dan. Those first few scenes were rough, I won’t lie, but you’ve shown such growth I wouldn’t be surprised if Jeff Hodgson snatched you up for his next project. Isn’t he doing something about a uni-bound pianist working through the death of his first love?”

Seconds later, Louise’s jaw had dropped--and so had her concealer-filled sponge.

Was Dan’s flush really that telling?

“Daniel Howell! You are _not_!” She gripped Dan’s arm with a force to rival Phil’s. “I thought he wasn’t auditioning anyone until November!”

Dan laid a hand on her shoulder, giggles shaking his whole body. “Shhhh. Don’t tell anyone yet, nothing’s set in stone. Yes, my audition is in November but that’s all I know. I mean, I could just as easily be snubbed for Andrew Garfield or somebody, who knows.”

“You know, a little birdie may have told me that he’s got something pretty big lined up for next year but he’s not allowed to say anything. A little less competition, you know?” Louise waggled her expertly filled eyebrows.

Dan had to bite back a smile, his flush growing deeper as Louise assured him he was a shoo-in.

Maybe it was her familiarity with his face and hair, maybe Dan’s skin _was_ actually clearing up after Phil’s skincare recommendations, perhaps it was just the constant fluttering of his mind, but Louise’s job was done far sooner than Dan expected. As she unplugged the steaming flat iron, a new herd of butterflies made their home in Dan’s stomach. Something kept him glued to the dark vinyl.

“Aw, come on, Dan. It’s just another day of filming. Aren’t you itching to be done with this project anyway?”

Dan considered this. On the one hand, sure, he couldn’t wait to be free of Charlie (he had been perfectly cordial this past fortnight, even friendly at times, but Dan couldn’t shake the strange vibes he kept getting from him), but this set really had been a _home_ to him, almost as much as Phil’s Manchester place. Was it ridiculous to wish for another week with these people?

_Yes, it is. You’re being stupid, Dan_. A hiss had started in the back of his mind, slithering its way forwards with each word. _You’ll be seeing most of these guys at the premiere next May. Besides, they couldn’t give less of a shit about you. They’ve got their own lives and new films to get to after this. You’re just a tiny blip on their radars, gone after next summer unless we work together again._

That was enough to push himself out of his seat. He cocked his head at Louise, choosing his words carefully.

“You know, maybe I am a little. I think it’s just with this being my first film and all, it feels kind of weird to say goodbye after all we’ve been through here. It’s almost like we had a movie of our own going on behind the scenes. You’re right, though--I sure as hell can’t wait to hang up this stuffy space suit for the last time.” He and Louise shared a laugh, Dan hoping his didn’t sound too hollow.

“See, that’s a nice way of thinking of it! Trust me when I say you have _nothing_ to worry about regarding your future. Phil will make sure of that.” Louise winked.

Dan just shook his head as he stepped out into the early September sun, a welcome break from the clouds that seemed permanently attached to his London skies. And so his last day of filming unfolded somewhat like his first, only with a liquid confidence now coursing through his veins.

After two and a half months, what was one more day on this set?

 

\--

“And...that’s a wrap!” Phil’s slow claps sounded hollow in the near-silent soundstage. Within seconds, though, he was joined by the camera operators and the producers and finally by Charlie, Vanessa, and Dan.

“I’m not going to make a big sappy speech--I’ll save that for my future drunken ass after the premiere,” Phil added, drawing a chuckle from the crowd. “Let me just say, though, that working on this film has been such a fantastic experience, thanks mostly to all of _you_.”

It was getting harder and harder for Dan to hide his blush now.

“Sure, it’s been one heck of a ride sometimes and I don’t even know how I got through it but I did--well, _we_ did. Congrats, all of you! Thanks for all your hard work, and for putting up with me. I know I’ve been more than a bit flighty, and may have seemed harsh sometimes but it’s all worth it if the product is as good as this, right?”

“Hear, hear!” PJ replied, raising an imaginary glass while the rest of the open space burst into applause. Even Vanessa appeared to have gone a bit teary.

“Anyway, great job, all of you, and I’ll see you all in May or before then, I’m sure!” Phil awkwardly finished, turning to gather his things and prompting everyone else to do the same.

A strange sort of emptiness had opened up inside Dan now.

This was it.

No more staying on set till 4 AM, nursing the final dredges of a cold tea while Jack and Ben discussed camera angles. No more tossing complaints with Charlie while stealing glances over at Phil. No more fussy touch-ups from Louise, berating his hair for curling with sweat in her motherly tone. No more nights spent “exploring” London, stumbling back to his hotel room with a whisper of a smile and flopping into bed fully clothed, shoes and all.

Before his thoughts had the chance to swallow him whole, though, a de-space suited Vanessa sauntered his way, silky waves bouncing against her back in a way that seemed entirely unfair to Dan’s hair sprayed-within-an-inch-of-its-life fringe.

A muscle twitched beside his jaw. Sure, she had grown far more tolerable these last few weeks, but Dan wouldn’t soon forget that early night where her complaints kept them onset until just before 6 in the morning. The three hours’ rest before his next call time felt like a rip-off.

“So I guess this is goodbye, isn’t it, Dan?” she started.

Dan just shrugged. “Yeah, I suppose.” He didn’t have much else to say. Vanessa may have warmed to him a bit, but that didn’t make them bosom buddies. (And what was with the cliche greeting?)

Vanessa took a deep breath, almost like she was steeling herself for battle. “Alright, I know I was a bitch to you early on but that was only because I was sure you knew what you were getting yourself into. I know this is your first movie, and it was _rough_ in the beginning, I get that. We’ve all been there.”

Okay, maybe it was, but did she need to remind him like that?

“But you know what? Time passed and you got better, whether from my badgering or whatever else, but I have to say, it was pretty cool to see. You know, maybe I was wrong about you, Dan. You may have gotten here by fucking the director, who just so happens to be a pop star, but you did work your ass off on this movie and I’ve gotta respect that. I’m sure I’ll be hearing ‘Dan Howell’ dropping from everyone’s lips soon enough. Good job, dude.” She clapped a hand on his shoulder for just a second before spinning around and gliding off, the slap of her pale blue flats echoing in Dan’s ears long after the double doors swung shut behind her.

So. That just happened.

He suspected that deep deep down, Vanessa had harboured a growing respect for him, but it sure was nice to hear it straight from her glossy lips. Maybe this business wasn’t too bad after all.

Dan shook his head after a few seconds, finally unzipping his heavy costume and sliding it on the hanger for the last time. He rubbed the end of the sleeve between his fingers for just a second before turning away. No use reminiscing over a bit of material he had quickly come to dread.

Well, he should say goodbye to everyone, shouldn’t he? Especially considering everything they had been through on this set. He weaved through the crew without fully processing everything, tossing farewells and good wishes like sweets in a parade even for those whose jobs he still didn’t quite know.

It took a while to get to the group of monitors across the room, where all the magic happened, and where the biggest cluster of people were trading hugs and sad smiles. PJ noticed Dan within seconds, almost jumping on him despite Dan’s distinct height advantage.

“Dan! It’s been _such_ a pleasure having you on this film! You did good, my man. I would say see you in May but I’m sure I’ll be seeing you on some screen or another before then,” PJ winked.

Dan just shook his head at the white tile. All this praise felt so undeserved. He just turned up and played the part to the best of his ability--wasn’t that the expectation?

“Hey it’s all thanks to you, dude, and all the rest of you guys,” Dan waved to the small crowd. “I just spit out some lines. It’s you all and the editing crew who have the hard part of putting this all together.” He did wish he had spent some more time with these people, really gotten to know what their jobs were all about, but he did only have so much time on this set and so did they. It  wasn’t that big a loss.

Phil’s absence didn’t stick out to him until Dan had run his eyes over the rest of the group. Well, it’s not like Dan was really saying goodbye to him anyway. Most of his stuff was in Phil’s London home already.

Everyone else responded with vague gestures of modesty, wishing Dan well for the future and assuring him he had good things coming, and then that was that.

Good, because Dan wasn’t that great with goodbyes anyway.

Charlie slithered into Dan’s peripheral vision on his way out. Ice slipped down his spine. Dan chose to continue walking, tossing only a short goodbye and “Good luck, man” once he had passed.

Charlie left it at that, and then Dan was outside and on his way to his car, his mind floating some ten or so feet above him.

He had just finished filming his first movie. He thought this would have a bigger impact on him, but instead it felt more like his GCSE results day, more like he had just let out a long breath than anything else.

Truth be told, he was looking forward more to moving his final belongings in with Phil and getting out of that damn hotel room for good. If he hurried, he could get it done tonight.

A blanket of calm fluttered over him like a late summer sunset as he turned out of the studio lot for the last time (for now, anyway) and onto England’s twisty-turny roads.

Crawling into Phil’s bed sounded like the _perfect_ way to close this chapter of his life. And judging by the text Phil had sent before he left, he felt the exact same way.

 

\--

  
“You’re telling me you’re not going to miss anyone on that set? Not a single person? Come on, Dan, that’s a lie and you know it.”

Phil’s hand was soft in Dan’s hair, each tap on his skull a nice reminder of the person beside him. He’d never admit it, but Phil’s touch was soothing his transition into this new life more than anything else. It was nice to have something constant when everything was getting uprooted for the second time in four months.

“I never said I wouldn’t miss _anyone_. Just not as much as I would miss you if I didn’t get to stay here.”

“That was so disgusting I might have to sleep on the couch tonight.”

“Phil. You’re not sleeping on the couch in your _own house._ Kick me onto there, I deserve it.”

A wicked glint poked through Phil’s crinkly eyes. “You know what, you’re right. I don’t deserve this mistreatment in _my own house_ , where I’m so _kindly_ allowing you to live for the next few months. You could get a house of your own with that paycheck, you know. And then some.”

“But then you wouldn’t get my body heat. Not to mention my dazzling personality, and my dashing good looks.” Dan snuggled closer beneath the monochrome sheets (his suggestion), proving his point.

Phil hummed. “Is that really such a loss, though?” His lips puckered in a terrible attempt to stave off a massive grin. Dan reveled in being the only one to break through Phil’s poker face.

He stared Phil down, his own lips quivering, until Phil succumbed to a sputtering giggle. Dan followed suit, burying his head in Phil’s shoulder and pressing kisses all up his neck until the giggles became gasps.

This continued for a while, Dan savouring every taste of Phil like it was his last. That is, until Phil twisted his fingers amongst Dan’s and squeezed, finally tearing Dan’s lips away.

“Hey,” Phil whispered. “You never told me _who_ you’re gonna miss. And _what._ I know, I know, not as much as me but you’ve gotta miss something. Come on, Dan, it’ll help.”

That voice was dangerous. How could Dan say no to the softest wheedling he’d ever heard?

“Well, I guess it was nice having a little family on set there. Louise the mum friend, PJ the cool older brother, heck even Vanessa the bitchy little sister. And every single cast and crew member, the crazy aunts and uncles you couldn’t imagine your parties without. I may miss playing this part for a bit, but I know I’ll be getting something else before long so I’m not gonna miss filming that much.”

Maybe it was the shadow from the single lamp angling just right on his angel face, maybe it was a trick of the night, but Dan could swear Phil’s eyes grew softer if that was possible.

“Hell. Yes. You. Can.” Phil booped Dan’s nose with every word. “I’m so, so, so proud of you, Dan. Not only for the incredible job you did in this film but for the growth I’ve been seeing too. Not to sound too nerdy, but you pretty much hit your full evolution before my eyes. I’m thinking winter Phil made a good choice.”

“You _are_ a nerd, Phil. Anyway, I do believe we were in the middle of something?” He danced his fingers along Phil’s bare chest with a smirk.

Phil hummed softly, the noise driving Dan mere centimetres from insanity.

Oh, this was going to be a _very_ good night. Especially if Phil kept kissing Dan like _that_ , like he was the only person in the world.

Oh yeah. A very good night indeed.

 

\--

Phil’s London was a whole new world.

Maybe it was just the summer melting into autumn, rainy days now a cosy permanence, but this year was already proving to be a million times better than Dan’s last September.

Droning professors had now been replaced by Phil tinkering away on various instruments, the sizzling of a spicy pan, full body pounces from a Totoro ever-delighted by Dan’s permanent presence. Sure, it was quite rare that either of them left the house thanks to the paparazzi but Dan liked it that way. It gave him more XBOX time.

September curled into October and suddenly Dan was receiving several thick scripts from Tony, each one injecting a bit of sun into his overcast days. Phil flipped through each one with him, smacking Dan’s arms at the character bios, all roles that appeared perfect for him. All except one were lead roles, and even the supporting character looked incredible just from the story.

Of course, none were as well suited to him as Thomas from _Silent Song_. Dan was now spending his days at Phil’s piano, determined to reach his full potential in the next month and a half. Phil had taken to teasing about needing a new piano and headphones but all the times Dan caught him leaning in the doorway told him he didn’t mind, not really.

Before either of them knew it, the pavements were blankets of leaves, a whiff of snow hung in the air, and the eve of Dan’s big audition had arrived.

“Hey. No matter what happens, you’ve got this, Dan,” Phil said that night during a rare calm moment in _American Horror Story_ , shaking a forkful of spaghetti bolognese and dotting Dan’s nose with tomato sauce. “I believe in you.”

Somehow, those four words did more for Dan than his parents ever had.

Sure, he could only stomach two thirds of his dinner, but at least his heart rate had slowed a bit. He cuddled closer, a soft smile twisting up his lips.

A few hours later, after performing a flawless piano audition for Phil and running lines with himself for a final time, Dan was more than ready to slip beneath Phil’s thousand thread-count sheets when a far too cheery ringtone pierced the silence.

Why the hell was his mum calling him this late? She had wished him good luck earlier today--was everything alright?

Dan snatched his phone and darted to the bathroom, careful not to wake Phil up, wishing for his T shirt again so he could have something to twist between his hands.

“Mum? Hey, what’s up?”

“Dan, I’m so sorry to call you this late,” Dan could hear her voice shaking and every muscle froze, steeling himself for the news that his grandma was no longer with them, or his brother, or Dodie, or someone, “you know I wouldn’t do this unless it was urgent. But, well...I--I think Adrian’s gone missing. He must have slipped out of the house after dinner or something and your father and I haven’t heard a peep from him since. Do you, do you think you could try calling him or something, see if he’ll respond to you? Don’t bother yourself coming here, we’ll call the police if he’s not back by morning, you know how teenagers are.”

But Dan was already snatching his T shirt from the bedroom floor, hopping on one foot to pull on his jeans and keep his phone at his ear. “Mum. I’m on my way over. I think I know where he is.”

“Oh, Dan, please don’t! You need to focus on your audition, I’m sure Adrian will be back before morning, I’m just being silly.”

“No, you’re not. I’m on my way. Besides, my audition isn’t till 3 tomorrow anyway. It’s nothing,” Dan hissed as, Phil stirred out of the corner of his eye.

“Dan. You’re sure about this?”

“Yes, I’m sure. See you in an hour.” He hung up, pulling his jeans over his nonexistent ass and dashing over to the shoe rack in the far corner.

“Dan? Babe? Is everything alright?” Phil slurred, blinking open eyes still sticky with sleep.

“I’m on my way to Wokingham. Adrian’s run off and he’s not answering Mum and Dad. I’ll see you in the morning, okay?” He moved to press a kiss to Phil’s feathery hair but Phil had already sat straight up, eyes no longer bleary but hard and set.

“No, Dan. I’m coming with.”

“Phil. No.  _The Wokingham Times_ will be all over you, not to mention the whole of the internet. I’m not ready for that yet. Please, it’s for both of our benefits.”

“I’ll wear a disguise. Hat and sunglasses or a balaclava or something, I don’t care.” Phil was already at Dan’s side of the wardrobe, throwing on Dan’s grey cowl necked shirt, his voice hard enough to cut glass. “I’m not letting you drive through London at one in the morning alone.”

“Okay, fine, fine.” Dan’s heart filled and he had to bite his lip to keep the inappropriate smile from cutting across his face.

And that’s how he ended up in his car, a nearly unrecognisable Phil beside him and GPS directions pulled up on his dying iPhone in front of them, jaw set and knuckles white against the wheel.

Who the fuck cared about an audition at this point? Adrian needed him, and Dan couldn’t shake the feeling that Charlie’s snakey face was behind this in some way. All he could hope was that he hadn’t given that dick enough information to truly do him harm.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Tumblr: [@phloridas](http://phloridas.tumblr.com)
> 
> Thanks so much for reading and I hope you enjoyed! Keep your eyes peeled for Chapter 16, which should be coming pretty soon! As always, you can click the little subscribe button if you'd like to be emailed when it's posted. I hope you're doing well wherever you are, and if not, that this (maybe) made your day/night a tiny bit better! <3


	16. Chapter 16

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you guys so much for your patience with this chapter! I know I left you for quite a while on a cliffhanger and I'm so SO sorry. I hope a meaty 5k can make it up to you, though!
> 
> Also, a (slightly) sad update: I'm officially putting this fic on hold until November, just so I can focus on my phaniversary and PRB fics. I'm super excited about them, though, and I hope you will be too, if you choose to read them! I appreciate your patience so, so much, so I'm just asking you guys to hold out a little longer--I really want to finish this by the end of the year, and if not, by February at the very latest. We're in the home stretch, y'all!
> 
> Without further ado, I hope you enjoy!
> 
> TW for anxiety/panic attack (I marked the scene with a line so you can skip it if you need to. Stay safe! <3)

The car was silent for a long time.

Dan’s breathing felt surprisingly steady, despite the voices screaming in his head. They all said the same thing: he should have paid more attention, he should have showed how much he cared, he shouldn’t have gone away to school and left Adrian at home, he should have _called_ him more at least.

What had his parents done to him? What had they said that night? Dan knew the feeling of being trapped inside that house. What he wouldn’t have given to run away somewhere, anywhere, away from those endless rules for just a night--if he had a place to run to. Where were Adrian’s places?

Phil spoke up somewhere just outside of London.

“Dan? I mean this in the best way possible, don’t get me wrong, but...why do _you_ feel the need to drive all the way home at one in the morning when the police could do just as good a job? I know he’s your brother and all, but you’ve been preparing for this audition for months. I’m not letting you miss it, no matter how long this takes.”

The words took a few moments to travel to Dan’s brain. He blinked a few times, headlights tattooed to the backs of his eyes.

“You might not understand since you’re the little brother but I...well, I’ve never really told anyone this before, but uh,” Dan tightened his hold on the steering wheel, his eyes fixed on the black pavement before him, heart flipping over and over in his chest, “I kind of went through a rough time as a teenager. I mean, yeah, sure, everyone does but I went to some...dark places. And, well, pretty much the only thing keeping me going was watching Adrian grow up and graduate uni.

“I had to stick around for him at least because who else was going to guide him through our secondary school? Who else was going to kick his bullies in the ass? Sure, I couldn’t stand him as a kid because he was always the ‘perfect child’ but we’re in this together, aren’t we? I think the world put him in my life to give me some sort of purpose. Plus, he’s really turning into a great guy and I’d hate to see that go to waste, you know?” Dan let out a long breath.

Well. That felt a lot better than he expected. His insides shifted rather painfully, though. Was it right of him to bare his soul to an international superstar, no matter how long he had known him? Did he _really_ know Phil like Phil now knew him?

Phil was silent for a moment. Dan had half a mind to open the door and tumble into the street, regardless of how far they still were from Wokingham.

“I...Dan, I’m so _so_ glad you told me,” Phil replied in barely more than a whisper. A note in his tone told Dan he wasn’t just saying it.

A knot loosened in Dan’s gut.

“I hate that it had to come to that,” Phil continued, “but I really couldn’t be prouder that you had something to pull you out of yourself. I may not know that feeling myself, you’re right, but I can imagine it. You do know that there are so many more things to live for now, right? I mean...myself, for one.” A flat laugh tumbled from Phil’s throat.

Dan wanted to hug him, or force him out of the car and back safe to his home, where he wouldn’t have to deal with Dan’s baggage. He could never, of course.

“Yes, absolutely. And the audition tomorrow, and countless auditions after that. Don’t worry, I’m fine now. Adolescence just fucks us all up, you know?”

A hook latched on his stomach and pulled. Adrian was fourteen. How had he fared this past year?

Phil let out a long breath. “I feel you there.”

The car fell silent again.

Where could Adrian have run off to? Where were his special places? The steering wheel dug into Dan’s palms.

His love of photography often drew him to nature-filled areas. Would that be reasonable at night, though?

What about their grandma’s garden? He did seem to enjoy spending time there as a kid.

He rode his bike all the time too. Where would you go on a bike, though? An empty car park? Perhaps the one at their primary school? He had enjoyed those years far more than Dan. Was it enough for him to turn there for solace, though?

It didn’t hurt to try, Dan supposed.

Few words passed between the two through the long span of twisty turny motorways. Dan barely had the energy to point out Wokingham’s main attractions.

Well, he may as well try their grandparents’ house first. Sure, it wasn’t the most likely option but at least it would be the quickest to check.

He pulled into the driveway of a small brown house, identical to the rest of the street save for the petunias flourishing all down the front walkway.

Dan turned to Phil for the first time since starting the car. “So, this is my grandparents’ house. Me and Adrian spent a lot of time here as kids. Well, me mostly, since our parents kind of got their acts together by the time he came around. Anyway, the garden was one of our favourite places and it’s small enough that I won’t have to look too long. Can I ask you to stay in the car just for a few minutes? Maybe lie down in the backseat so nobody sees you?”

Phil’s jaw twitched for a split second, or maybe it was a trick of the street lamps. He reached for Dan’s hands, squeezing for the briefest of seconds before swinging his giraffe legs over the console and onto the back seats.

“I’m sorry, hon. You know I don’t want to do this, but…” Dan shrugged and pressed a kiss to Phil’s cashmere-soft hair.

Then he was swinging the door shut and marching to the garden gates, heart in his throat.

It occurred to Dan that even his presence would be a hot news item here. His name hadn’t left the gossip sites last he checked. That in mind, he chose his steps carefully, shaking his hands out so they wouldn’t tremble when he did the latch.

He had to slap a hand over his mouth to keep the gasp from escaping once he stepped into the lush wonderland. It had been years since he was last here but almost nothing had changed. His heart threatened to twist out of his chest.

_Alright Dan, come on. No time for reminiscing. You’ve got a job to do._

Thank goodness for the lamps lining the edges, no matter how little light they gave off. Dan peered behind bushes, up through the tallest tree branches, even behind a few large rocks--but the absence of Adrian’s bike against the gates hadn’t given him much hope, and he had to admit defeat to his searing chest once he tiptoed his way to the grey back door.

It was agony to traipse back through the reds and blues and greens, still rich in the November chill, home to some of his happiest childhood memories. He saw himself, six years old, hair a blond bushley mess, singing and prancing around to Britney Spears and the Spice Girls, scaling the trees with monkey-like agility, running to his grandma with a shining face and a basketful of Easter eggs.

Those times were long gone now. He had a different life, one that included Phil for starters.

And _oh_ , how good it felt the second Phil pulled him close upon his re-entering the car alone. Those meaty arms, sliding up and down Dan’s back, that wonderful sweet but tangy smell, were the only things tethering him to reality at that moment.

It took everything in him to pull away, but Dan knew he had to return to the wheel sometime that night.

“Alright. So.” Dan sucked in a shaky breath. So, next I’m gonna try this nature trail near our church. He’s taken photos there a few times, usually spends the whole day there. It’s not too long too, shouldn’t take me much longer than ten or fifteen minutes.” Dan’s voice was strange to his own ears, flat and far steadier than he expected.

Phil just nodded, catching Dan’s eye in the rearview and snaking his hand up to Dan’s own. The short squeeze he gave was enough to get Dan’s foot on the pedal and his brain in (semi-forward) motion.

It was incredible Dan even managed to pilot them the few kilometres to the trail with his tunnel vision and all. Phil stretched out in the backseat the second the engine was cut, Dan kissing the hint of jawline visible beneath the beanie pulled low over his face.

“I’ll be back as soon as I can. Promise,” he whispered.

Again, no bikes lay at the mouth of the trail but Dan forced himself in anyway.

With no homes or pretty much any civilisation in sight, Dan figured it was safe to flip on his phone’s flashlight. He wouldn’t find anything in the pitch black anyway.

Why had he chosen this place again? The November cold had all but killed the wildflowers, the trees now skeletons of their vivid summer selves. Still, maybe Adrian could have come in search of wildlife or just the peace brought from the empty atmosphere.

Dan should have worn a thicker jumper. Wind hitting his chest only sharpened the knives driving into every inch of his skin. Halfway through the dead grass and crunchy leaves Dan knew his mission was fruitless. Still, though, something propelled his near-frozen legs forward.

_Just a bit more...he could be at the end...keep going, come_ on.

Not that he really believed himself, but the lack of a gangly, brunet teenager at the foot of the trail still sent Dan’s heart plummeting, short breaths ripping at his throat and pushing out puffs of white air in front of him.

The empty-handed walk was almost too much for Dan to take. Adrian could be anywhere this time of night, even--no, Dan couldn’t allow himself to think it.

His brother _was_ alive out there somewhere, perhaps hurting inside but otherwise okay. Why, _why_ hadn’t Dan given him the attention he deserved when he had the chance?

Between the bleak night and his expert disguise, Phil’s expression may have been unreadable, but his arms did all the talking as they slid around Dan for a second time. His warmth, and the soft shushes he offered when Dan’s near-silent sobs took over, made Dan’s heart twist and squeeze and fill all at once.

It was a while before Dan could speak again. “Alright, it’s kind of a long shot but I think I’m gonna try our primary school next. He really liked it and rode his bike round the car park all the time as a kid. You ready?”

Those last two words were more for himself than anything but he caught Phil nodding in the rearview anyway.

Pulling into his primary school gave Dan the strangest sense of deja vu.

No, not that. He was inhabiting two versions of himself at once: the one who ran up to his teachers, eager to flash the ever-growing piles of books he was reading, his fellow students scoffing behind him; and his current self, wondering just who Adrian was at this school and if it really meant as much to him as Dan thought it did.

Not a single car sat in the front car park--but neither did a bike, the revelation hitting Dan with the force of a boulder.

Dan forced his features into something resembling composure. “Well, the good thing about this place is it’s gonna be fast. Problem is, I’m out of places after this. We can do some thinking when I get back, yeah?”

Phil just nodded and squeezed his hand, and then Dan was hit with freezing air all over again.

His quick scan in the car revealed no teenage boys on the black pavement or on the shitty wooden playground to his left, so he headed for the grassy fields just behind.

Frost cracked beneath his toes, every empty metre a punch to the gut. Wisps of breath scratched at Dan’s throat, urging him to scream his brother’s name, call out for help, just do _something_. He couldn’t bring his lips to part, though, mostly due to the fear of being recognised, but also from the primal desire to keep every bit of warmth inside.

The football pitch was bare too, save for the fraying nets of the goals, as well as the back car park and the opposite side of the grey-bricked school.

* * *

 

Where the hell could Adrian _be_? Dan’s chest was closing in on itself, every fear he ever had manifesting themselves right in front of him. Wokingham was massive, full of dark alleys and who knew what at night. What if someone took his brother somewhere far away? Dan couldn’t imagine what someone may want to do to a fourteen year old boy. Just the thought sent a wave of nausea coursing through him.

What if he didn’t find his brother in time? What if morning came, then afternoon, his audition creeping ever closer, and still nothing? Would Jeff allow a postponement? Was Dan special enough for that kind of treatment? Was he about to blow his one chance to well and truly make a name for himself?

Waves of terror crashed over him, again and again until Dan was nothing but a child rocking back and forth deep in the grass, heart rocketing out of control and breaths hardly making their way out of his lungs.

If Adrian wasn’t dead, he was about to be, at this rate. Everything before him was dark, dark, dark, he couldn’t see two feet in front of him. Breathing came quicker and quicker, his hands tingled from the lack of oxygen, he was sure he would pass out or die, what would Adrian think of that if he was even still here, and Phil…

_Phil._ Phil was waiting in the car just metres away, unrecognisable at first glance but still Phil. He needed Dan to be okay, to get him back home safe from paparazzi. Dan could kiss every inch of skin back there, if he could just get up and move himself.

His breathing may have slowed a little but every muscle was trembling and near-frozen tears trickled down his cheeks, only contributing more to the cold that had now settled inside and out.

_Come on. Get up. Get off your damn_ ass! _One foot in front of the other, go on._

It took a few starts but finally Dan was up and moving, every step agony but he still pushed himself forward anyway.

Phil could _never know_ about this.

No. No need for him to be confronted with Dan’s true insanity. Dan could pull himself together for him. He had to.

* * *

 

Upon pulling the driver’s side door shut, Phil spoke his first words since they had entered Dan’s hometown.

“Dan. I’ve been thinking a lot in here and I think you’re only brushing the surface. You need to go deeper. Really get into your brother’s brain. I know he’s here somewhere, waiting for you to find him. You can do this, Dan, I know you can. Just treat him as a character you’re playing.”

Treat him as a character...a character Dan was playing…

It wasn't easy amidst the cacophony of screams rocketing around his mind, but eventually Dan slipped into the brown and white walls of his parents’ house. Here he was, a fourteen year old fed up with the rules his parents were forcing on him, even more upset at his older brother for promising to keep in touch and then abandoning him...his heart squeezed again but Dan pushed on...he was losing touch of his brother, his old room devoid of any personal belongings, he could barely remember what it was like to live with him anymore...he needed somewhere that was just _Dan’s_ , maybe then he could feel a bit of him again…

“The old warehouse!” Dan gasped, the slightly cramped car interior swimming back into focus. “The abandoned warehouse by the ASDA. That’s where I sometimes went when I needed a moment to myself, I’m sure that’s where he is!”

Phil broke into his first grin since Dan had woken him up, what felt like so long ago now. “You’re sure? One hundred percent?”

“Yes. He’s scared of losing me, he needed somewhere he could sense me again. Oh god, I _hope_ he’s warm enough in there.” Dan couldn’t start his car fast enough, not even fastening his seatbelt until he had already turned onto the road.

In sharp contrast to the biting cold he had been fighting just minutes before, every cell in Dan’s body was now on fire.

Why did that damn warehouse have to be on the other side of town? Why, _why_ hadn’t he realised this sooner? The numbers blinking on the dashboard mocked him, every minute passing another minute that he hadn’t found Adrian, another lost minute of rest before his audition. Each red light felt like a personal vendetta against Dan and he came so damn close to running some of them but caught himself just in time. The press would have a field day knowing _Dan Howell_ had gotten a ticket in his hometown, complete with a large shape in the back seat that suspiciously resembled one Phil Lester.

It took an eternity but finally they reached the warehouse, its rear entrance blessedly blocked from the fluorescent ASDA lights. Again, no bikes leaned against the peeling white sides but Dan knew by now this meant nothing. Even he had been smart enough to park his own bicycle deep inside as a kid.

Something felt different this time. A strange sense of calm, of knowing, flowed through his veins, lighting up the grassy area behind them. “He’s here. I know he is.”

“You’re sure?”

“Call it older brother’s intuition, but yes. I might be a while. I don’t know how long it’ll take to get him back here but I’ll text you if anything’s wrong, alright? Keep your phone on silent just in case.”

Phil nodded, face breaking into the glowing smile Dan had never truly appreciated until now. “I’m so, so proud of you, babe. I know you’ve got this.”

The sincerity in his tone brought tears to Dan’s eyes. “Thank you, Phil. I love you,” he whispered before reentering the tundra.

From his first step in the warehouse, a pitch darkness engulfed him, deeper than anything he had dealt with that night. He couldn’t even see his hands, so he flicked on his phone flashlight again, running it over the few metres of grey wood before him.

From the corner of his eye--was that a shadowy figure stiffening against the wall? And next to it...were those...gleaming metal handlebars?

“A--Adrian? It’s Dan. Mum and Dad are worried sick about you. Is everything alright, bud?”

No answer. Dan proceeded to the far right side of the empty building anyway, pace quickening until he was face to face with not the child he was expecting but someone on their way to manhood. He still had the round face of Dan’s brother, though, and a hint of his sandy hair (even if it had grown a bit dark) and...were those tiny whiskers poking above his lip?

Well, he had to have grown a bit in the last year. So had Dan, although you couldn’t see most of it.

“Hey, dude,” Dan said, bum instantly chilling as he eased himself onto the frozen grass in front of his brother, voice just above a whisper. He set his phone flashlight-side up a few feet away so it wouldn’t blind either of them but he could still see Adrian.

“You’re--you’re actually here? This isn’t a 3 AM hallucination?” Adrian’s voice was deeper even than what Dan had heard on the phone a few months ago. It sounded a bit like Dan’s, actually, before uni and film work had softened his articulation.

“Yes, I’m really here. Go ahead and poke me if you want,” Dan laughed, but his brother kept his arms wrapped around himself. The tan jacket he wore was actually kind of cool. Was Adrian subconsciously mimicking his fashion sense?

“Where the hell have you been this past _year_? Hell, even the last two months! I know you wrapped _Worlds Away_ in September, you told me. What, are you too cool to come home now?”

Dan sighed. He should have known it would come to this. “Well, to tell you the truth...you’re kind of right. It wouldn’t be the best idea to show my face around here anymore. I’m so sorry, I should have told you before. You’ve seen how often my name pops up online, though, haven’t you?”

“Yeah, I guess,” Adrian muttered. He pulled his gloves off finger by finger so he wouldn’t have to look back up at Dan.

“Hey, let’s start with something small. Can I ask what pushed you here tonight?” Now it was Dan’s turn to glance down. Were those random zips on Adrian’s black shoes? Dan might have tried to steal them if they were his size.

“It’s really stupid, honestly. I...well, I was on Facebook when this random girl messages me. And then about ten more. They’re all asking things about...about _you_. Trying to see if I had ‘insider info’ on you and Phil, if I knew when his next album was coming, if you guys really were a thing.” Fear seized Dan’s heart and rendered him as stiff as the ground beneath them, but Adrian trundled forward with a strange flatness to his tone. I told them I didn’t know anything, they should just fuck off, but they just kept pushing no matter how many of them I blocked. Finally I asked one of them how she had found me. Said someone named Theo told her I might know some things.” Adrian’s dark brown eyes flashed. “You know anyone called Theo?”

Theo? Who the hell…

_Charles Theodore Andrews_ , a voice spoke up in the back of Dan’s mind.

Heat flooded Dan’s entire being. His brother’s words hurt far more than the rocks once thrown at him in his teenage years. What the _fuck_ was that dude thinking, messing with Dan’s family? Had Dan’s rejection screwed him over that badly? Dan dug his fingers into his freezing, gloveless hand, feeling next to nothing.

“Sorta. Middle name Theodore. And that dickhead is _so_ going to get it,” Dan growled.

His voice grew softer as he fixed his eyes on Adrian’s, a near mirror image of his own. “Dude. You don’t deserve that shit. None of us Howells do, and I’m so _so_ sorry you had to deal with that. I should’ve told you how hard it would be, being the brother of someone who’s famous. I’m sorry I haven’t been around, and that I’ve been even shittier at keeping in touch. You think we can figure something out? I know I’ve been a shit brother recently but I’m…” Dan swallowed. I’m willing to work at it if you are.”

He could feel the judgement radiating from Adrian’s hunched figure. “Look, you can cut the feelings crap, I’m not gay like you, you know.” Adrian had shifted his gaze to the ground again, now pulling up big chunks of grass with his bare hands and ripping them into tiny pieces.

His words hurt but Dan ignored it. It was just the raging teenager inside of him. Goodness knows Dan had fired his share of hurtful comments.

“We’ve both been dicks, alright?” Adrian continued. “You’ve got your shit, I’ve got mine. It’s whatever. Can we just put this year behind us? It might be nice to get back to actually talking again.”

Dan smirked for just a second. So Adrian _did_ miss him, even if he’d jump into a volcano before he’d ever admit it.

“Deal,” Dan said. “Hey, is it alright if I take you back to the house? Like I said, Mum and Dad are worried sick. There’s room for your bike and you might be able to sketch a bit if you can handle the roads. Oh yeah. Phil’s in there too but I promise he’s harmless. He’s really excited to meet you, actually.”

Dan could see the wheels turning in Adrian’s head. His hands drifted from his elbows to the ground but he made no more moves to get up. Finally he said, “Actually, you know what, is it alright if I just bike home? It helps my mind clear a bit. Plus I kinda sorta don’t wanna face Mum and Dad yet.”

“Dude. In this weather? Are you insane?”

Adrian just shrugged. “I mean, I’ve been sitting here all night and I’m fine.”

“You’re one hundred percent sure. Dude, it’s a free ride.” Dan reached out his arm to help his brother up. Adrian was heavier than Dan had anticipated but he bounced up with relative ease anyway.

“Yep. You can follow me back if you want, whatever. That is, if you even give a shit about coming back there,” Adrian muttered.

Dan shook his head. “Of course I do, don’t be ridiculous. It’s just these stupid schedules. I’ll see what I can do, though. Trust me when I say I want to be around more, alright?” He held out his hand, which Adrian took with the vestiges of a frown still hanging on his lips.

Dan held his gaze, though, and after a long moment saw the tiniest something melt behind his eyes, like the first hint of spring in early March air. Just as quickly as it came, though, the curtain fell back across his face.

Well, it was something.

When they returned a few moments later, Phil’s megawatt smile was enough to power the entire car. “Oh Dan, I knew you’d find him!”

“I mean, it’s all thanks to you, really. I guess I do know him better than I expected.” Dan had one eye on the windshield, watching his little brother throw a leg over his green bike, hitch up his black backpack straps, and lean forward, riding his problems away for the night.

Phil leaned forward to press a kiss to Dan’s cheek as Dan started slowly after Adrian.

It was weird, driving back home that night for the first time in over a year. Dan handled the route with ease, allowing his muscle memory to guide him.

Adrian was fast, backpack whipping along behind him like a cape. In his mind’s eye, Dan could see his brother begging to break away from his training wheels at four years old, younger than any other kid in the neighbourhood. Later, other parents would giggle about his bicycle attachment over cocktails, and their parents would brag about him joining the Tour de France. Dan knew plain old biking meant far more to his little brother than racing, though.

For Adrian, that bike was a symbol of freedom. As long as he could ride somewhere, life had a shred of purpose and he could have some peace of mind. The world was Adrian’s empty warehouse. Something about keeping his legs in motion allowed his brain to travel all kinds of places that sitting still wouldn’t allow him.

Dan may not share his feelings, but that didn’t make them warm his heart any less.

Pulling up to his parents’ house sent a jolt through his heart. Nothing had changed about the murky brown exterior, the neighbours’ houses were still identical, and yet everything had changed. Had the house grown even smaller? Or was Dan just used to bigger things, perhaps a bit bigger himself?

“I’m gonna say one last goodbye to Adrian, if that’s alright.”

Phil nodded, his supportive smile smoothing out the nerves that had resumed their jig in Dan’s stomach.

“Hey, man,” Dan said. “You gonna be alright in there?”

“You dork.” Adrian slugged his arm. “It’s fine. They’re not monsters. Plus, I’m gonna block anyone who asks a single thing about you.” His crooked grin flashed in the dim porch light, a sun breaking through the clouds that had obscured his face for so long.

Dan had to take a step back at those words. At that age, their parents had revealed some of their most monsterish traits to him. Then again, Adrian had always been the favourite.

“Good. I’ll call you tomorrow night, alright? You’re gonna get so sick of me, you’ll wish I was ignoring you again.”

Adrian just shook his head as he leaned his bike up against the garage door, dark green paint sparkling under the street lamps. “Sure you’re not coming inside? Mum and Dad would probably be chuffed to see you. They _do_ miss you, you know.” A whisper of a laugh hung off Adrian’s twitching grin.

“Nah, I’ve got a super important audition in,” Dan clicked his phone on then made a face, “eleven hours. So yeah, sleep might be a good idea. Same goes for you, buddy. Take the day off, sleep in a bit. Turn off Facebook notifications too, that might help. I’m sure everything will look better after a nice rest.”

“Who are you, the Dalai Lama?” Adrian scoffed but he was smiling still. “But hey, good look on your audition. If I know anything about you, you’re gonna smash it regardless of how rested you are.”

Dan just shook his head as Adrian stepped through the door, back tall and hand raised in a salute. Somehow, his brother’s belief in him filled Dan with a fire he hadn’t felt from anyone else, licking and snapping at his veins so that he wished more than anything he could be in that room right now. He knew in his bones that he would have given the best audition of his life.

For now, though, Dan strode back to his car with an energy foreign to this hour, only intensified by Phil running a playful hand through his hair as he hopped inside.

“Hey, Dan?” Phil asked once the engine began its low purr. His eyes were soft in the rearview mirror.

“Yeah?”

“Let’s go home.”

Dan had to bite back the smile that was now threatening to overtake his face. In just a couple months, Phil’s London house had become more of a home than Wokingham ever was.

And wasn’t that a beautiful thing?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Tumblr: [@phloridas](http://phloridas.tumblr.com)
> 
> Thank you so much for all your support on this fic! It means the world to me if you've stuck with my horrendous update schedule for so long, and I really hope you can hang in there for just a little longer! 4 more chapters--gosh, where has the time gone? I hope you're having a wonderful day/night wherever you are, and if not, maybe this made it a little bit better. <3


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